Yet Another Accusation Of rape Against The Son Of God The number of woman Jesus Christ has reportedly sexually abused continues to increase as attorney Gloria Allred brought forth three more alleged victims, who each shared disturbing details of their encounters with the 2000 year old deity.
  Brenda Standish, Kelly Nash, and Sally Leland sat down with the lawyer and recounted to reporters their frightening encounters with Christ which took place in the early eighty's.

  According to Standish, who was studying to be a nun at the time, Jesus allegedly came to her for consolation after the Pope was shot and wounded by Mehmet Ali Agca. "He had been out drinking  the night before and felt terribly guilty about sleeping through the assassination attempt. I consoled him for several hours before his crying fit slowed, at which point he offered me a glass of water he seemed to produce from thin air. Halfway through the drink I realized it had turned into wine, I remember the strange smirk on his face just before the world went dark." Standish says she woke several hours later to find her clothing piled on the floor beside the bed, seamen had been splattered on her chest, back, feet and face, along with a photograph of the Pope at her bedside. "Jesus obviously didn't use a condom," she said.
  Allred, who represents the three woman as well as 42 other accusers, explained why it has taken so long for the victims to tell their stories. "We're not talking about some actor or musician here, this is the son of God, he holds the power to burn them in a lake of fire for all eternity. These woman have nowhere to hide from a predator that can walk thru walls and send your whole family to Hell."
  Nash, now 55, said she ran into Christ again years after her alleged attack and confronted him. "I told him flat out that I knew what he did and that it took me ten years of therapy to wash that image of him pushing his flaccid penis through the hole in his hand, out of my mind. He laughed about it and clamed most girls enjoyed that trick, then he asked if I had told anyone about it. I told him, your Jesus Christ, who would believe me?"
  Leland, now 57, ran into Christ at a local pub in 1983, "He seemed like a pretty decent guy. I remembered my Grandma calling him 'The Prince Of Peace,' so when he invited me back to his house for a late nigh drink, I figured it was safe. We talked for about twenty minutes before he disappeared into the bedroom only to return a few minutes later wearing a patchwork robe and carrying a bong. I had never smoked marijuana before, but when the son of God tells you do something, you do it, the next thing I remember he was on top of me. I can still rembember those giant beads of sweat rolling off his greasy nose and landing on my face. When I tried to push him off  I realized my arms were being held firmly by fat little cherubs smoking cigarettes and batting their tattered wings. I tried to scream but a ball-gag appeared in my mouth the moment I opened it." 
  Allred also represents Vivian Rutledge, another alleged victim, who filed a civil suit last February against the deity, claiming Jesus molested her at the Playboy Mansion in '94. Christ was ordered to give a deposition on April 25th of this year regarding this accusation but neglected to show because he was needed in Kathmandu to console victims of the devastating 7.8 magnitude earthquake. Allred has expressed concern it was Jesus himself that caused the quake in order to avoid being questioned.
  Renown physicist Stephen Hawking, who also filed a lawsuit against the son of God, was the first to come forward with accusations against the king of the Jews. Jesus' lawyers have continued to deny the allegations stating, "There's no way he slept with a dude, haven't you read his book? He hates that shit."   

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Comment by SteveInCO on November 2, 2015 at 9:58pm

Jesus' lawyers have continued to deny the allegations stating, "There's no way he slept with a dude, haven't you read his book? He hates that shit."  

If this article were serious, I'd just have to laugh out loud at that line anyway.

There's no way Ted Haggard slept with a dude.  Haven't you heard his sermons?  He hates that shit.


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