In the beginning there was nothing except a grumpy old deity with a God complex, which is ironic because in this case He happens to be God. After an eternity of doing nothing, God decides to built a universe populated with billions of galaxies and trillions of stars only to ignore all that so he can focus his attention on what bipedal apes are doing with their genitalia.

  And thus begins The Holy Bible, a collection of 66 short stories filled with unicorns and dragons the likes of which Tolkien himself must have admired. Apocalyptic disasters, an angry dictator, zombies out for forgiveness, this book has everything one could want in an action story with a little redemption and love thrown in to keep the girls interested.
 Our antagonist, Yahweh, runs his territory with an iron fist, ready to squash the least uprising with the maximum vengeance. However, his brutality is not overshadowed by his playfully silly sense of humor. In a tale called "Genesis" we find a (probably drunk) God leaping from the bushes (probably naked) to wrestle with his good friend Jacob. The two roll about the grass in joyous fun, laughing and joking as they tussle long into the night, probably bumping penises as they go.
 There are ups and downs in the complex life of Yahweh. He puts six whole days into creating a beautiful planet, only to destroy it a short time later because monkey people are screwing angles and making giants. Yet he still manages to keep his droll sense of humor by obligating a 500 year old drunk to repopulate the planet without Viagra.
 My biggest criticism with the first part of the book is that we don't learn enough about the God character. He shows up fully developed with little to no back story or explanation as to what He'd been doing for the eternity before making everything. Was He an accountant tired of sitting at a desk? Did He sell pool cleaner door to door on the weekends to make a little extra cash? Had He ever had an uncomfortable sexual encounter in a sauna with another deity? These questions, and so many more, are curiously left unanswered.
 Nor do we hear about His childhood and the lessons instilled by his parents that would later allow him to be comfortable with creating bone cancer in babies and parasites that give you diarrhea 'till you die. The original editors of the bible should clearly have removed some of the repetitive references about killing homosexuals and replaced them with a few childhood experience involving Yahweh and his favorite teddy bear, or the fun that occurs when you try to make the creator of the universe eat his vegetables when he doesn't want to.             
 The second half of The Bible introduces us to a new character named Jesus Christ. Jesus is the son of Yahweh, yet decides to forgo all of daddy's money and influence to spend his days as a lowly carpenter living in the desert. Here, he makes friends, tells some stories and cures a few blind people along the way, all to reach his ultimate goal.
 It's not long before our hero is betrayed and sentenced to death by crucifixion. His friends must have been busy that day, because they just let him die without bothering to organize a rescue. But have no fear, Jesus is magic, and much like the scene in E.T. where that lovable alien died, only to rise again, so too does Jesus return to enjoy Reese's pieces with Elliot. He's not even pissed when he comes back, which made the character feel unrealistic to me. I would like to have seen Jesus slapping at least one of his disciples for not coming to his rescue, but maybe they're saving that for the sequel.  
 From here the authors get bogged down with telling us how super-duper Jesus is. We learn at nausea how much he loves us and how much we should love him back, which is all well and good, but if you want to hold a readers attention you need to put some explosions or giant robots in the mix.
 Surprisingly absent from the narrative is the lack of any romantic encounter between Jesus and a female lead. Several woman pop up throughout the stories, but they have minor rolls with little importance. Instead, Jesus prefers to spend his days with a group of men, prancing through the desert, healing the sick and shopping for sandals. In one humorous tale, Jesus finds himself nailed to a piece of wood while a man in the same predicament attempts to ask him on a date after they die. Jesus laughingly agrees to dinner, but only if the man will accept him as Lord and pay for the meal, including drinks.        
 After more boring chapters about how super Jesus is and why you should follow him, we reach my favorite story contained within the bible, Revelations.
 Best enjoyed on peyote, DMT, or any other of a dozen psychoactive drugs, Revelations is a tour de force in freaky shit. Dragons and demons crawl from the pits of Hell to tear the flesh from those who refuse to hate gays and stone adulterers. Cries of the damned are described with vivid clarity as we watch them writhe in agony for looking at a girls cleavage once in high school.
  Satan himself makes an appearance in the form of a multi-headed dragon, which is meant to scare the readers so intensely they drop the book and run to the nearest church. But, once again I find fault with the editors for allowing the authors to tell us, way back in Genesis, that Yahweh is all powerful, thereby informing us in advance, who the victor will be. 
 All in all, the bible is worthy of it's place on the shelf next to Harry Potter and the many adventures in Narnia. It's filled with wizards, and talking snakes, it deals with destruction and redemption, love and hate, lust and greed, you simply wont find another book filled with so much excitement, yet so tedious to read. I would definitely recommend The Holy Bible to anyone without Netflix, it's a wonderful way to pass the time while on death row, and also makes a great stopper for that one wobbly leg of the kitchen table.      

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Comment by Simon Mathews on November 12, 2015 at 3:10pm
Comment by Reg The Fronkey Farmer on November 12, 2015 at 4:18pm

I was a little upset that it did not say "and they all lived happily forever after". Unlikely as it may seem, I think there may be a few versions of it so I will keep an eye out for the "Director's Cut". I also think it needs a "Parental Guidance" sticker like films do. Do you know if a follow-up book is in the pipeline?


Comment by Belle Rose on November 14, 2015 at 5:27am


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