I enjoyed my recent conversation with wingnut Kirk Cameron so much I decided to see if I could get his business partner and fellow loon, Ray Comfort, to grant me an interview. Mr. Comfort immediately responded to my email and graciously agreed to speak with me briefly by phone the next time he sat down to use the toilet. The next afternoon I received his call and recorded this 5-7 minute interview with him on my iPhone. The following is a transcript of that conversation.
ME: Thank You so much for agreeing to speak with me Mr. Comfort, I know how busy you must be misunderstanding evolution.
RAY: Your very welcome. I'm always happy to make time for someone looking to speak about my faith and the Gospel.
ME: Oh, I'm sorry Ray, we must have a bad connection. You sound as if all your teeth are loose.
RAY: I think maybe that's my accent your hearing. I'm originally from New Zealand.
ME: Really? Where's that?
RAY: Where's New Zealand?
Ray: It's in the southwestern Pacific Ocean.
ME: Oh, I've never heard of it. Is it new?
Ray: New? No. As far as I can tell it's been around since the beginning.
ME: Wow. So it been around for millions of years?
RAY: Yes. Wait, I meant No. It's only been around about six to ten thousand years.
ME: Oh, that was so close. I was just trying to get you to say the earth was millions of years old, but it looks like your too smart to fall for my shenanigans.
Ray: Yes, well, thanks, I think.
ME: Okay, Mr. Comfort, why don't you tell me a little bit about yourself and what it is you do for a living. But, do me a favour and try speaking like an American, so you don't sound so weird.
Ray: Well, I'm first and foremost a follower of Jesus Christ, He is the reason for everything I do in life. With His guidance I have created many books and videos on the art of evangelizing. My vision is to inspire in every Christian a God-glorifying passion to fulfill the Great Commission. My mission has been to accomplish this through television programs, training conferences, CDs, DVDs, books, and unique gospel tracts. I have also written and produced several movies that deal with different techniques involved in evangelizing.
ME: I'm glad you brought up the movies, Mr. Comfort. I recently wasted 55 minutes of my time watching one of your movies called 'Audacity'. How exactly do I go about getting my money back and what sort of drugs should I use to wash its memory from my mind?
RAY: Your money back? That movie was released free of charge. It shouldn't have cost you anything.
ME: True, but I still feel like I should be compensated in some way for the time I spent watching it.
RAY: I'm sorry you feel that way.
ME: But not sorry enough to send me money?
ME: Fine, be like that. You know, If you put the 'adult movies' you made on your website, you'd probably have less complaints.
RAY: Adult movies? I'm not sure what your referring to.
ME: Oh, don't play naïve with me Mr. Comfort. I'm talking about the pornographic movies you make.
RAY: Don't be ridiculous, I've never made a pornographic film in my life.
ME: Oh, really? Then why is it every time I google "Ray Comfort" your adult movie pseudonym, "The Banana Man" comes up?
RAY: The banana man has nothing to do with x rated movies. It's a reference to a comment I once made involving evolution.
ME: Oh, that's too bad, I thought Banana Man was a cool porn name. I was imagining you got it because you had a banana like curve to your penis. Or maybe it was a yellowish color because you had jaundice. Oh well, lets move on.
RAY: Please do.
ME: Reading your website I've noticed that homosexuality is something that comes up again and again. There are videos and essays, movies and books, all devoted to how you would go about talking friends or coworkers that are gay, off of team Dance Party, and on to team Jesus. Do you spend so much time on this subject because you are secretly repressing the desire to lock mustaches with a hunky gay heathen, or are you just a dick?
Ray: Well, homosexuality is wrong for many reasons. We find God clearly condemning it throughout the old and new testament, but the more important point here is that I do not hate or despise the gay's for their sinful choices. I want to help them come to Jesus so they can see the error of their ways.
ME: Which errors are you referring to?
RAY: The practice of homosexuality itself is an error. It's unnatural and goes against God's teaching.
ME: But homosexual behaviour has been observed in hundreds of species like, bears, bison, dogs, cats, goats, different types of birds, reptiles, and fish. So how can you call something so obviously natural, "unnatural?"
RAY: If it were natural God would not have condemned it. You know, when I was a kid, homosexuality was just weird, I mean really weird and even illegal. But because of the ungodly influence of Hollywood and the media, our youth has been brainwashed into thinking it's an appropriate life style for them to choose. I want desperately for them to be with Jesus in the kingdom of heaven, but their not going to get there if they pursue sinful behaviours.
ME: Oh, I'm sorry could you repeat that, I was listening to my stomach growl.
RAY: I was just saying how important it is to obey God's word if you want to enter the kingdom of heaven. The Gospels are clear about....
ME: I'm sorry to cut you off Ray, but I just need to put you on hold for a minute so I can order a pizza.
ME: Great, thanks.
ME: Hi. I'd like to place an order for delivery.
DOMINOS: Sure, what can we get you?
ME: I'll take a large peperoni and mushroom on thin crust, please. And do you have booze? I really feel like I'm going to need a drink when I get done with this guy on the other line.
DOMINOS: Sorry, we don't sell alcohol.
ME: What about weed?
ME: Okay, just send the pizza. Do you still have my address in the computer?
DOMINOS: We do. It should be there in about 35-40 minutes.
ME: Yeah, right.
ME: Nothing, thanks. Hi Ray, you still there?
RAY: I'm here. What was that about?
ME: Sorry, uh, that was my grandma, she said she just died.
RAY: You said something about ordering a pizza.
ME: No I didn't.
RAY: Yes you did.
ME: No I didn't.
RAY: Look, I clearly heard you say the word "pizza" before you put me on hold.
ME: I have a head injury.
ME: I have a head injury. It makes me say strange things.
RAY: Are we almost done here, because I'm about ready to wipe.
ME: Yes, just one more quick question.
RAY: I think I'm going to regret this, but go ahead.
ME: Okay. I've heard you discussing the topic of evolution with people on videos and podcasts. I've watched them explain the very basics to you as well as complex aspects of the theory and you've never been able to comprehend their explanations. I consider myself on the same intellectual level as a sea sponge, yet I managed to grasp the concepts right out of the box. So, my question is this; Are you unable to understand what's being explained to you because they are using too many big words, or are you just being distracted by shinny objects?
RAY: It's been nice talking to you, but I'm afraid I have to go.
ME: Oh, I really cant imagine you have anything better to do, but okay.
RAY: Its been nice talking to you.
ME: I wish I could say the same, but that would be a lie and I don't want to burn in Hell. Right, Ray? Ray? Hello, Ray. Ass-hole.