What no one told me about growing old

They say it beats the alternative, but sometimes I wonder.

Your eyes, around 40 they just quit working like they did, usually the first in a long list of body part failures. Then, in no particular order (and if it hasn’t happened yet you haven't lived long enough): You can no longer write your name in the snow when you pee (doesn't apply to women). Your penis starts a retreat into you body (in Japan some men become obsessed with the idea that it will invert and an erection will kill them). And speaking of erections, they become rarer, no longer do you have to fear the embarrassment of that unruly erection at an inopportune time. Which may be a blessing in that most ladies loose any interest in them at all.

Joints; those body hinges that worked so fluidly, suddenly start to hurt and stiffen. Memory; there's a reason you don't see old people on Jeopardy. Your heart; palpitations and arrhythmia (if you're lucky, blockages,and worse if you're not.) Never been in a hospital or had surgery? You will!  Ears; why does everyone keep mumbling? Body parts that you were barely aware of become significant concerns. Most of the discussions you have with your friends are about maladies, disease, medications and treatments.

There's an old joke about the four rules of getting older:

  1. never pass up a bathroom.

  2. Never waste an erection.

  3. Never trust a fart.

  4. And never forget to … never forget to .. ah, shit!

Views: 526

Comment by H3xx on September 16, 2013 at 9:20pm

Welcome to America. We can't cure diseases, but we've got four different pills, and twelve different operations that will make that penis come alive. No pun intended.

Comment by Doug Reardon on September 16, 2013 at 9:57pm

But then all those "sexy" ladies couldn't care less, so there isn't a whole lot to do with it.  Did you notice, in the picture, the scrotum and the glans are rotated 180 degrees?

Comment by _Robert_ on September 16, 2013 at 11:38pm

Work it, Mrs. Johnson, work it, faster, faster !

Comment by Unseen on September 17, 2013 at 1:06pm

That thing about the penis retreating into the body is sadly true. I helped my 92 y/o father during his last months and saw him nude many a time. His scrotum was longer than his penis, which sometimes looked more like a second navel than anything that could have produced three children.

Watching him die a "natural" death made me wonder if a death by misadventure might not be preferable. We like to think of death as going to sleep one night and simply not waking up.

Believe me, it's seldom like that, and even if you die in bed, you're probably in for a few minutes of panic, pain, and struggling for breath and realizing that you're alone, dying, and that nobody is going to come in time to help you.

Few go gentle into that good night.

Comment by Reg The Fronkey Farmer on September 17, 2013 at 3:03pm

...and even after I die the hair in my ears will still keep growing for a while.....WHY did I ever start with that damn trimmer!!!

Comment by MikeLong on September 17, 2013 at 7:09pm

Every year enduring a failing body makes death easier.

@Unseen - Sorry to hear about your father, but it doesn't have to be that way. I've known several, including my Mother, who have have peaceful AND CONSCIOUS deaths. For those who have trouble accepting it, there's always drugs. (Oh that's right. In The States they don't like using death-easing drugs. They're addictive.)

Comment by Unseen on September 17, 2013 at 7:11pm

@Mike Long - I'm quite aware that there are many ways to die.

Comment by Kairan Nierde on September 18, 2013 at 12:25am

My Great Grandmother was talking one second and dead the next. Stroke, I believe. Better than cancer. That's how my family members kick it. 

I'm hoping they plug me into the matrix before it's time I die. 


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