An absolute hilarious book review of the Bible. I only posted a couple of my favorite parts to whet your appetite. Worth the click.

From Cracked:

"First God made heaven & earth. The earth was without form and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep; and the Spirit of God was moving over the face of the waters. And God said, "Let there be light"; and there was light."

With possibly one of the strongest opening lines in history, the Holy Bible really starts off swinging. Here we're not only introduced to the main character, named God, but are also informed that he's some sort of magical being (whether that's a vampire or a wizard or something, we don't know yet--we just know he can fly and shoot laser beams).


The author takes this set-up time to explore the world thoroughly. But while even supporting characters are given their moment to shine, sometimes that gets distracting. For example, during Moses' adventures, we come to relate to him as a troubled sort of everyman. Sure, he was adopted by royalty, but he never really became complacent. He saw the mistreatment and suffering of the people around him, and he was moved into taking action. All good so far, right? It's kind of like Footloose or a Bruce Springsteen song: It's all about the plight of the working man. (And honestly, who exemplifies the working man more than slaves? All they do is work!)

It's a simple little story of class conflict and redemption, and then, almost without warning, everything suddenly gets magical: Oceans are parted, flaming shrubbery starts yelling at dudes and, in what is one of many disturbingly phallic metaphors littered throughout the book, Moses and the Pharaoh's magicians start slinging about their "snakes" and "staffs" to see whose is bigger. It's all quite exciting and imaginative, but it feels kind of like a bait and switch: We came into Moses' story reading The Grapes of Wrath, then wham! Moses finds out he's a Jew and shit goes totally Harry Potter.


I must say that overall, the Holy Bible is a story everybody should read at least once. Just keep in mind that though this may seem like your run of the mill fantasy adventure, there are a myriad of vicious maulings, explicit torture scenes, rape and prostitution, so it's definitely not for children!

Views: 17

Comment by Mike on July 31, 2009 at 4:24am
i'd love to see a true account of a "god"... it should go something like this...

"god's ppl are in trouble!! so god transports them to another solar system on the other side of the universe so all those who think alike, can get on with .. what ever it is they do"... oh look the Muslims have splat into Sunni and Shi'ite! beam them to planet Sunni and planet Shi'ite respectively ... each in their own galaxy ... at least two billion light years apart... and planet Catholic.. planet Jew.. planet Mormon and planet Church of England.. " rah rah rah

after all, we're talking about god, so why not?
Comment by DeSwiss on July 31, 2009 at 5:38am
Wonderful post!

And here's one of my own personal CRACKED favs:
Comment by Dave G on July 31, 2009 at 12:02pm
Mike, we'll probably be seeing something like that once we get sufficient technology to get colony ships up and running. Some faction will want to take their dogma and go home, as it were.
Comment by Reggie on July 31, 2009 at 1:01pm
@ DeSwiss - To borrow from Mel Brooks; it's good to be the Pope!


You need to be a member of Think Atheist to add comments!

Join Think Atheist

© 2021   Created by Rebel.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service