I posted this a while back but then my JAWS software mangled my last TA ID and I lost all my original blog posts. I am posting it back while as I am commenting on the subject again.

 

So once more....................

 

“What Is Rape To A Woman?"

 

Rape is death in so many ways. Rape is the death of safety, rape is the death of self, rape is the death of security and power and control over ones destiny. Rape is the metaphorical destruction of a woman who existed before a rape and the birth of a woman who exists after a rape. Women who have been raped look back to a person who existed before the violation of self and they see themselves in a hazy, ill-defined half-light of memory. That hazy figure becomes an icon to them, like a perpetual gravestone, chiseled, inscribed, and planted by the sadist who attacked her. The greater the degree of physical injury, the greater the mutilation, the greater the physical scars left, the deeper the depth of the words chiseled into the stone. The day a woman is raped is the day a woman dies.  
 
I am not talking about a physical death, though that does happen all to often,  I am talking about a metaphorical death, but make no mistake about it, rape is
 
I am not talking about a physical death, though that does happen all to often,  I am talking about a metaphorical death, but make no mistake about it, rape is still a death. Rape is a revelation, an epiphany, rape is pain, rape is change, rape is destruction and horror and nightmares. Rape is the memory seared into a woman’s brain that will forever hearken her back to-- the face,-- the smell, of her attacker, as he leaves his mark on her soul,. It can be a mark that for too many  takes years to overcome, if it is ever conquered at all because a part of ourselves exists forever in that moment. Rape is our sex, our sexuality, being used as a weapon to destroy our sense of self.  
 
Law defines rape so simplistically as “forced intercourse or penetration” but make no mistake about it; the scars of rape do not label themselves as ‘forced intercourse or penetration’. The scars of rape are seen in mutilated bodies, disabilities, eating disorders, depression, dissociative disorders, flashbacks, screams that can cut steel plate, nightmares that can congeal blood, stress related disorders, addiction, and self harming. 
 
Rape creates a most profound wound. 
 
Law defines rape so simplistically as “forced intercourse or penetration” but make no mistake about it; the scars of rape do not label themselves as ‘forced intercourse or penetration’. The scars of rape are seen in mutilated bodies, disabilities, eating disorders, depression, dissociative disorders, flashbacks, screams that can cut steel plate, nightmares that can congeal blood, stress related disorders, addiction, and self harming. 
 
Rape creates a most profound wound. It is a wound that cuts so deeply that the victim can and will have a lifetime trying to apply whatever they can find to force it to heal. When a rape survivor cuts herself she is trying to bleed the filth of her rapist from her body, but there is never enough blood inside us to wash it away though many will try for decades. When we have flashbacks and nightmares our brain is trying to bleed the memories from our minds but our memories are with us for life. 
 
 
The Hours Of The Wolf

Survivor Suicide
 
How many people would question or argue at a someone who was paralyzed from the neck down if they stated that they wished they had died? Would any of us be surprised if they wanted assistance in ending their own lives? How many of us would be self-righteous enough to stand there before that person, with our fully function body and tell him that he was overreacting by wishing the whole of his body had died as well?
Many of women, do manage to move past it. We look down at our grave while throwing a handful of dirt and placing flowers and with the help of family and loved ones we move forward with hesitant steps into the rest of our lives, but make no mistake, we are forever changed.  

 
Rape doesn’t ‘just’ affect the victim of such a crime. Rape ripples outwards, waves in a sick and perverted misogynistic pond. It affects her entire family, her children both alive and those to come, it affects friends, it affects lovers/husbands/wives/mothers/fathers/grandmothers/grandfathers. Rape ripples out to touch family, loved ones and friends. Never ever declare that death is worse than rape, anyone who thinks otherwise is extreme ignorant or disturbed. Rape victims ARE disturbed, so stop telling us we shouldn’t be. 
 
So please do not try to bluster your way out of it, it is a situation of your own making, the blood dripping down from between our legs proves it.

 

After the rape we are irrevocably changed, but we start a new life. In this new life we realize just how precarious safety is, we know just what vulnerabilities lay just underneath societies surface for our sex in a way we never knew before. We carry scars both physical and mental and sometimes they even heal, but scars are scars, they are always there. Even when we move on, many will always harbour secret hopes of death, especially in the darkest hours of the night when we wake from a nightmare of the breaking bones, and tearing flesh of rape. When we wake with the taste of our attacker on our lips and the feel of his weapons, both flesh and steel, inside of us. When we wake it is to find that the dark corners of our room contain the terrifying form of our rapist. As our hearts pound and cold sweat freezes on our skin we fight a mental battle to regain our minds and understand that we are safe in our bed, our loved one struggling to reassure us we are safe and that it was only the same nightmare, the nightmare that has consumed us nightly for months, and on and off periodically for years. The same nightmares that leave us  awake during those long night time hours over the years and decades that we survivors call ‘The Hours Of The Wolf’’.


I believe that a woman who has been marked by sexual violence and who contemplates or attempts suicide is never acting ‘irrationally’, to her it is an entirely rational decision based upon circumstances. It is because her secret wishes for physical death are never out of place or overreacting because to her half of her is already dead. Half of her was killed by the man who assaulted her body, who ripped and tore his way through her flesh and left his filthy seed within her, who marked her forever.


Rape is a death and if a woman desires death for her physical body to match the death of her spiritual body, it is in no way an ‘overreaction’. A woman, her body ripped, and bleeding internally as her soul cries out in agony for someone, anyone, to destroy her completely, to end her torment and in this torment yet more torment is added. Men who are the almost the sole perpetrators of rape (99%) telling women, who are the primary victims of their violence (20% of ALL women will be raped), to “stop overreacting”. Men tell women “You will get over it, your still alive”, men actually TELL women how to feel about a violation so fierce that some of them actually loose internal organs, have senses completely destroyed and go on to kill themselves! Men who are telling women how to feel about a loss that, for the most part, a man will never experience. I find it interesting and quite telling that men claim to be ‘experts’ on what a woman should be feeling. They claim to be authorities; they comment as to how appropriate a woman’s emotions are over violations of her body and soul, over violations that they will most likely never, ever be concerned with.


Rape is an invasion that most men can afford to be entirely ignorant to, never having to even think about it unless they live with a victim. It makes me angry beyond incandescence that some men have the gall to suggest a woman should feel whatever way they [the man] think is appropriate about a crime which they will most likely never have to face (men stand more chance of facing it as a rapist than as the raped), which targets women as its primary victims. It is staggering arrogance beyond my ability to express, but then it is no new phenomenon for men to assume they can tell women what they should or should not feel. It is any wonder therefore that men feel they have a right to our bodies as well as how we think! 

 

Rape Ripples 


If you doubt what I say ask the partner or parents of a survivor, each one will have an account; finding their wife still in the shower after six hours, washing her vulva with bleach, using a scrubbing brush until they are removing skin to clean away the filth of sodomy. The parents coming home to find their daughter has squeezed herself into a kitchen unit when she heard the front door open and fearing another rapist is coming. The husband finding his wife cowering in a dark loft space, her children clutched tightly to her shaking body. Few spouses are left unaffected on seeing their love fighting her rapist once again in her sleep, her pitiful screams and cries waking the rest of the household. Making love becomes a minefield, one false move and emotion detonates with a blast big enough to wipe out a marriage. Friends who have had to watch helpless as their best friend stands rooted to a spot in the shopping mall because a man with the same cologne as her tormentor has just walked past and triggers a flashback of the attack and her body immediately begins to tremble as she fights with herself to keep reality in focus and her sanity gripped. Speak to a survivor’s siblings whose sister is vanishing in front of them because she is determined to kill off the old, vulnerable ‘her’ who was raped so that she completely changes her personality, in an attempt to distance herself from someone she may view as being weak and ineffective. I have worked in ER departments, seen the disgust and disdain with which most staff treat survivors who have taken a knife and started gouging deep grooves into their own body in an effort to bleed out the filth they feel is still inside them. Most marriages end in divorce within a year of rape. Husbands left confused and feeling guilty, children cast adrift as their mother comes apart and tries to cope with the world while half dead inside.  


Just remember that rape victims are a direct product of YOUR husbands, YOUR sons , YOUR brothers, YOUR grandsons, they are the ones raping 20% of all women, forever altering our lives.  


You Could Rape Us Too


So maybe as you read this you are of the opinion that rape is not something we have a right to have these feelings over. Whether you realise it or not if you do think this way it means you could, maybe even would, do it to us too. It means you don’t think we have a right to our feelings over anything. and that you think you do have that right. This tells us just how dangerous you really are.


Don’t call us frigid or cold when we treat you like a possible criminal, because we of all people have been given that right by the actions of those of the male sex. When one in five of every woman in the western world will be raped at some point in her life at least once, when the most likely rapist is a husband, boyfriend or family member - that makes men inherently untrustworthy.  


So.......?


“What Is Rape To A Woman?" - if you have read all I have written perhaps you should tell me.

 

Views: 547

Tags: Rape

Comment by Ed on November 6, 2011 at 7:03pm

Rape is an emotional transgression that remains with the victim long after the physical aspects have healed. Sexual abuse is a lifelong torment that lies just under the surface of one's being. I have loved ones in my immediate family that still cope with it decades later. Don't expect someone "to get over it."

 

In prison rape is not uncommon. Predatory male heterosexuals will look for young weak individuals. It doesn't matter if they (the victim) are straight or gay. If you ask the predatory individual he will deny being homosexual himself. They use the excuse of incarceration for there actions. These predators after more than one or two incidents with usually end up in permanent single cell confinement to protect the general population.

Comment by Judith van der Roos on November 6, 2011 at 7:08pm

Gregory, I wrote a piece called "What is a Rape to a WOMAN" not "What is Rape to a Man" for the simple reason that I am female and wrote this several years ago as I reflected on events that I as a WOMAN had experienced.

I did not say that rape is a "fate worse than death", I suggest that you read it again after you have removed your head from where ever you currently have it wedged because your vision appears to be obscured.

If you would like to write a piece called  "What is Rape to a Man" then by all means go for it, I will be very interested in reading it.

Kind regards,

Judith vd R

Comment by StarStuff on November 6, 2011 at 9:20pm

Most blog posts are relevant to ones own experience.  Obviously, Gregory, she's not talking about your lack of experience.

 

I smell troll.

Comment by Bob MacVay on November 6, 2011 at 11:05pm

Who is Gregory and where is his post?

Comment by Nathan Hevenstone on November 7, 2011 at 1:54am

I remember reading this initially and it it was one of the first blogs I read that forced me to seriously think how I view human beings in general. I have to admit (and I apologize for it) that it's hard as a man (in no small part because straight men like me are supposed to misogynistic assholes who love their beer and football more than their women), but this blog was one of the reasons I decided I wanted to be seen as a Feminist. I was rather sad when it disappeared, and I'm quite glad to see it back.

Comment by Galen on November 7, 2011 at 4:30am

I'm sorry, but what was wrong with Gregory's post?  Yeah, it takes a skewed angle by going into the whole male/male prison rape thing, but I would hardly call it off topic or "troll" like behavior.  The negative reaction to his post seems inordinately disproportionate to the post itself.  Everyone is reacting as if the man were defending rape.  Quite the contrary, what I took from his post was that rapists are predators whose main goal is the victimization and dominance over those they see as "weaker" than themselves and that the target of their power-hunger can be both men and women, or anyone really.  Whether that's a valid point to bring up in this discussion is certainly worth debating, but most certainly NOT a reason to attack him for what he posted.  I found the RESPONSE to his post to be entirely inappropriate and uncalled for.

Comment by Judith van der Roos on November 7, 2011 at 9:43am

Galen, I wrote a piece called "What is a Rape to a WOMAN" not "What is Rape to a Man" for the simple reason that I am female and wrote this several years ago as I reflected on events that I as a WOMAN had experienced. I am not male so I cannot write "What Is Rape To A Man".

Gregory then tried to say I had said something I had not. Combined his comments showed me that he failed to grasp the message of the piece, if he had bothered to read it properly at all. I stand by how I dealt with him, I would have been a great deal more harsh if he had been standing in front of me.

If you wish to write what rape is to a man, or to a male child of sexual abuse, I would be interested to read it I can assure you and I would even post a link to it from my post.

 

All forms of rape on both sexes are awful, no question. What annoys so many women is that when ever the issue of rape is raised our outrage at the dis proportionally vast numbers of women who are attacked undergoes efforts by men to dilute the issue by :

1. Citing the incredibly tiny numbers of males assulated by women

2. Rape of males by males

Both are dreadful but set against the vast, truly vast, numbers of women raped they are (and I mean no disrespect to the victims) insignificant. I suspect (I hope) these tactics are an effort to hide their shame of the males of the species.

 

Regards

Judith vd R

 

Comment by Freek on November 7, 2011 at 2:43pm

May I ask where you got the 20% statistics from? 

I am in no way criticizing the point you are bringing across, as even one case is one case too many, but in the past few years I started to resent getting thrown false statistics at, so I try to verify wherever I can.

Also, you said:

Just remember that rape victims are a direct product of YOUR husbands, YOUR sons , YOUR brothers, YOUR grandsons, they are the ones raping 20% of all women, forever altering our lives.

Who are you speaking to there? (since you mention 'YOUR husbands').

And lastly: you mentioned spouses, friends an family feeling unable to help. Is there anything they -we- can do?

Comment by Judith van der Roos on November 8, 2011 at 6:13am

hello Freek,

 

At the time I wrote this, about three years ago the global statistics for women as quoted by a UN report (UN Survey On Crime Trends) at the time  showed that 20% of all women would experience rape at some point in their life spans. Of course that figure varied considerably across the globe, and even in the intervening time some countries have made big progress in reducing their figures, the USA for one where Sexual assault has fallen by more than 60% in recent years and is now 17.6% (http://www.rainn.org/get-information/statistics/frequency-of-sexual...). Here in Holland the figures are pretty good on the surface of it, low for Europe, however hidden underneath them is a lot of sexual abuse and assault in the muslim community that goes unreported (this is borne out from what we see in our women's group). Some countries like the Congo and South Africa have rape rates that make your eyes water, with SA having rates of one third.

 

Who was I addressing - anyone reading the piece. I wrote it in Dutch originally, so some of the translation to English may not be as correct as it could be, I did my best.

 

What can spouses do: The greatest help you can give is endless patience and tolerance. Speak to a support group like RAINN in the US. There is no template as each person is different and as varied as the injuries they will have. Sorry I cannot give a straight forward answer.

 

Regards

Judith vd R 

Comment by Judith van der Roos on November 8, 2011 at 3:19pm

I had never seen Gregory before his comment. As far as I am aware I had not had any other exchange with him and in all fairness to him he was not rude to me, I was annoyed because his response was.................well I have already gone down that road. 

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