Twilight: New Moon - Yeah, like, whatever

Twilight: New Moon is a 14 year old girl’s dream movie. It reminded me of the romances I had as a teenager – a wreck.

Something happened before Twilight: New Moon began, what that was, the audience doesn’t know. It’s obvious there is a romance between Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) and Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) and they really love each other. Oh yeah, and Edward is a vampire but we never actually see him chew on anyone so we know that because…they told us so. All of the sudden, Edward leaves Bella unprotected from Victoria (Rachelle Lefevre) but it’s not clear why. The whole Cullen family is there, but I don’t know why they matter. Then Edward get sad. There is Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner) who Bella leads on for most of the movie. He has a dark secret. Then Bella, Jacob and Edward do some stuff and get ready for the next movie. Uhm, that’s like…pretty much it.

Now before you ask me, “Didn’t you see the original?”, no I didn’t and that shouldn’t matter. I have a ten buck rule. If I have to pay ten bucks, it better be worth ten bucks. If I have to pay to rent the movie before, and then pay to see the movie, it’s not worth it. Each movie, even a sequel, has to have a beginning, middle, and an end. Twilight is one hundred percent middle. It’s insulting to the audience that they can’t be bothered to put together an entire movie.

The one plus side is there is a pack of half naked hunky-boys that run around the forest. Unfortunately for me, they are playing teenaged kids, so it’s hard to think of them of as sexy little beef cakes without feeling dirty.

What they do put together is a slapdash bit of soap opera drama. There is no real drama, no real romance, no tension, no real danger, not much of anything. The only thing is has in spades is intense eye contact.

They stare at each other from afar. They stare at each other up close. Their eyes dart back and forth. Their eyes melt. They go cold. They open wide. They close. In extreme cases, they turn away. I’m going to watch the out-takes on the DVD because I will bet dollars to doughnuts there are moments where the actors couldn’t hold it together when they were close and staring at each other and started to break up laughing. It will probably be the most entertaining part of the DVD.

There’s just nothing to Twilight: New Moon. There’s no plot and horrible acting. There is certainly nothing worth watching.

Views: 35

Comment by Prazzie on November 20, 2009 at 4:34am
Lol! Great review, thanks LaRae. Loved the part about the staring. My younger sister made my mom and I watch Twilight, the staring thing started in the first movie. I can tell you, nothing much happened in part one, either. They met, some vamps started hunting Bella, the Cullens protected her, lost her, saved her, the end.

I wasn't planning on watching this, but it's always nice to have my choices validated.
Comment by Andy on November 20, 2009 at 5:50am
LOL, excellent review.

I did watch Twilight one, dragged along with the kids, who thankfully were pretty unimpressed so Twaddlelight two is not on the family social agenda.

Can’t be bothered to find out, but I presume it was written by creative committee then validated by focus groups composed of angst ridden teenagers.

Good Vampires, that struggle with their lust for blood and their desire to um… for that um… cool deep relationship?

Bad Vampires, that just want to chow down like they always have, and are sooooo lame…

Let’s have lots of running around, special effects and eye contact until the franchise finally gets a well deserved steak through its budget.

I guess the only upside is that I hear the Pope hates it.
Comment by Daley on November 20, 2009 at 8:10am
It's not so bad.
I don't see how people can put such passion into hating something as simple as a movie or book, but that's just me.

I haven't seen the movie, but I read the book and it was very, very slow and drawn out. From the points that you said, they are basically sticking with the book, so it's probably not incredible. The 2nd book (movie) is the worst of them all. The 3rd and 4th are incredible in comparison. I'm sure they'll go on to make those and I will probably be excited about them, but not this one.

We must remember that you cannot expect deep adult relationships and drama from a book written for Young Adults. If you want something more deep and serious, you'll have to look at another genre. It is perfect for what is was made for and that shows in it's popularity.

It's better than another jesus movie.
Comment by Pitabred on November 20, 2009 at 4:37pm
I posted the following comment on my blog, but it is relevant... the gist: if the Cullens are the good vampires and they eat animals instead of people, is a forest full of blood-sucking deer and rabbits really an improvement?
Comment by LaRae Meadows on November 20, 2009 at 4:52pm
Oh Daley. You silly thing. How can you tell me it isn't that bad, if you haven't seen it? Tsk Tsk.
Comment by Reggie on November 20, 2009 at 7:27pm
Nice! Were there an hunky babes running around?
Comment by Dan on November 22, 2009 at 3:47am

Comment by Reggie on November 22, 2009 at 12:41pm
I laugh every time I see that photo.
Comment by Prazzie on December 15, 2009 at 6:42pm
I thought this article was funny.

"If you've suspected that there's something unhealthy about the relationship between Bella and Edward in the phenomenally successful Twilight series, then it turns out that you're exactly right. In fact, there are fifteen examples of unhealthiness.

According to the National Domestic Violence hotline, these are some signs that you may be in an emotionally or physically abusive relationship.

Does your partner:
* Look at you or act in ways that scare you?

* Control what you do, who you see or talk to or where you go?
"Stay away from the werewolves. I love you."

* Make all of the decisions?

It goes on in that vein. Also, linked from a comment on that page, I found this brilliant blog post. I have to watch that.
Comment by Reggie on December 15, 2009 at 7:45pm


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