My mother would give alcohol to us, and my older brother’s many young teenage friends, often. This went on for years. My mother, by the way, should have gone to prison for this, as this is contributing to the delinquency of minors, which is a felony. But, thanks to lazy cops and apathetic neighbors, this never happened.
However,I blame myself for my alcohol addiction, and no other. Like many other recovering drug addicts, I have a very addictive personality. That personality contributed to my abuse of substances such as alcohol.
My drinking continued to be heavy until the age of 37 or so. It was then I broke my back, sleigh riding with my daughter. And it was then, a doctor prescribed me Vicodin.
Vicodin is known as an opioid analgesic. Opiates have been abused and used by many, for thousands of years. The effect Vicodin had on me was amazing.
Because, at least in my case, Vicodin not only takes care of physical pain, but emotional pain as well. The drug provided a much wanted and welcomed euphoria in my life.
For those of you who are familiar with the T.V. show, “House”. This is what Dr. House abuses, throughout the show.
So, while on Vicodin, I stopped drinking, and started exercising intensely. I was able to do this, because I was pain free on Vicodin. In fact, I got in the best shape of my life, while I continuously consumed more and more Vicodin.
But, within two years, I was a full blown opiate addict. My tolerance increased with that drug, rapidly, so it seemed. I was taking between 10 and 20 high dose tablets a day, at the height of my addiction to this drug.
And, the euphoria I initially experienced with Vicodin also faded to the point where it was unnoticeable. But, I kept taking Vicodin, because withdrawals were not welcome, when I did not have Vicodin in my system.
So, in the year of 2004 now, and I’m at a doctor convention with work. For many years, I did pharmaceutical sales, for very large pharmaceutical corporations. I’m at work with a younger guy, who noticed the tiredness and boredom of myself, and a couple of others, at this convention. This younger guy had some adderall on him, and offered a tablet to me, and a couple of others at this meeting.
Adderall is basically long acting amphetamines, used to treat ADD and narcolepsy. I had heard of the drug before, but never chose to take it. But, since I was a Vicodin addict at this point in my life, I thought I would give it a try, and took the Adderall pill at that doctor convention.
The effects of Adderall were amazing. That night, my mind was at maximum efficiency, I felt. I began to write, and I wrote all night. It was as if Adderall awakened these dormant neurons in my brain. I absolutely loved this drug.
It also initially increased my sex drive. While I had a high sex drive already, adderall initially intensified my orgasms. That combined with what I preceived to be maximum cognitive efficiency, I had found a new drug to love.
As with Vicodin, I began to increase my intake of Adderall as tolerance developed, while high on this drug. Also, with my Adderall use, I did not sleep. In time, I started to experience hallucinations.
So I went to my favorite doctor who had been prescribing Vicodin and Adderall to me, and asked him for some benzodiazapines, better known as tranquilizers.
Benzos, as they are called, work on the GABA inhibitors in the brain- the same area of the brain that is affected by alchohol intake. So while on benzos, not only did I sleep, but I felt like I was drunk on this drug, on this class of drugs, which I also ended up abusing aggressively, of course.
Memory loss was a problem at this point in my life, and benzos made my memory problems much worse.
I’d say, from the years 2006 to 2009, my life is a blur. I recall very little, during this period in my life. This is all do to my enormous drug intake, from these drugs in particular.
My lovely wife at the time wanted me high on drugs all the time. We had marital issues she did not want to address. While high on drugs, I did not address these rather significant issues in our marriage. Because while high on drugs, I stopped caring about anyone, or anything.
She wanted me that way, completely full of these drugs I ended up abusing so badly, so she would go to her own doctor, and get me these drugs I was addicted to quite badly. So, I was high all the time, the last 3 years of our marriage in particular. She finally ended our marriage, my wife at the time, in the year 2009, by falsely accusing me of violently abusing her.
The law was on her side, with her false accusations, because when she did falsely accuse me of violently abusing her, I was this unemployed drug addict. Little does the law know that when I was high on these drugs, I could barely move.
I became almost completely dysfuctional, as I existed with toxic levels of the drugs Vicodin, Adderal, and the benzodiazapine. So abusing anyone was almost impossible, due to my toxic state, with all of these drugs in my system, almost constantly.
I also became isolated. I did not socialize with live people often. I’d just hang out at my house all day, and pop pills. The last year of my drug addiction, I was not the father to my daughter, I had been the years before this one.
Of all the destruction that has happened in my life due to my drug addiction, failing my daughter as a father the last year I was with her, will pain me for the rest of my life.
When my drug addiction finally ended, I was abusing Vicodin, Adderall, and a benzodiazapine, washing those pills down with about a case of beer a day. I re-acquired my alcohol intake, when Vicodin stopped working for me. I was a complete train wreck, when I stopped abusing drugs, and I was also impotent, at times.
I entered drug rehab in the Spring of 2010, and I’ve never been compelled to use again. I was well aware I was a drug addict, when I was using these drugs Ive mentioned to you. But, I reached a point during my drug addiction where I was afraid I’d never be able to stop taking these drugs.
My addiction to them was that intense. I thought I’d be a full blown drug addict for the rest of my life. So once I stopped abusing these drugs, I never wanted to take them, ever again. And I don’t miss the high from these drugs, either. I get high from other things in life now, instead of poisoning myself.
My health is remarkably well, considering what I abused for so long. There is no physical damage, from these drugs I took. Any damage I did to my brain from these drugs has been repaired, I believe.
Adderall, Vicodin, alcohol, and whatever benzodiazapine I could get my hands on- I don’t miss you one bit. My experience with you was enjoyable and regrettable at the same time. You made me more aware, but you also almost killed me. You should not exist, but you do, and that saddens me, because that means you are harming many others now. It is my hope you are not used, by anyone, ever.