Things I Learned From a Christian at a Funeral

  • Death is not natural
  • Death is the punishment for sins and everybody sins
  • Einstein wasn't Christian but he said something about God doesn't do random things, and that is relevant for some reason.
  • The laws of thermodynamics prove that only God can create new matter or energy.
  • My dead grandmother would not tell us to worry about taxes or vacations.
  • My dead grandmother would not tell us to worry about retirement, she would tell us she has met Jesus and he will somehow fund us when we retire.
  • Atheists suck (at this point I was staring at the window)
  • Let us pray (still staring at the window)

Views: 27

Comment by Todd on November 27, 2010 at 10:37pm
Actually, thermodynamics is evil. Apparently, there was this guy named Maxwell who had some kind of demon working for him, and they came up with it together.

It all works out though. Thermodynamics is a really big word that believers can use to argue against evolution without having to actually understand what it means. Just say ENTROPY whenever some atheist mentions evolution, and watch their horrified expressions.

Sure, they'll try to come up with "reasons" why the second law of thermodynamics doesn't contradict evolution, but nothing they say matters. I mean, the whole thing was created by a demon. A DEMON. I feel kind of scared just talking about it.

And, btw, Einstein actually said that god doesn't play dice. I mean, duh, gambling is a SIN, and god doesn't sin. Even a scientist like Einstein knew that. Although, he probably said it before the demons got to him. After that, he was just another one of Satan's minions.
Comment by Samuel H. Kenyon on November 28, 2010 at 4:10pm
What makes this pastor's service even worse than normal Christian bullshit, is that a funeral service should give the function of consolation, not to promote mythological creatures and attack atheism.
Comment by Matt Coulthurst on November 28, 2010 at 5:46pm
Tony Danza wouldn't have put up with it - that's why he's the boss.
Comment by M on November 28, 2010 at 6:20pm
I have gone to two Catholic funeral masses, which I found particularly depressing. They don't speak about the dead person at all except for using their name. I learned a lot about how the church is the lord's bride and how death is not really a time of grief because the deceased is now going to heaven to be with God and Jesus and Mary. Whee! I found the whole church-as-a-bride concept strangely lewd. I'm always wondering if the devoutly religious are so sexually suppressed that they have to either allude to or outright discuss love/sexual topics in nearly everything. Of course then they always claim it's not how it sounds. Really? Then why is it written that way? Why is it written at all?

Christian services are just another way to bring people to the "light" with layers and layers of guilt to be added to your grief. Gotta love it.


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