The Story of Easter as Told By the Reverend Hargus Langdon

Jesus was crucified and died on the cross. His loving followers took the body from the cross and placed it in a cave like tomb sealed with a large rock.

 

On the third day when they returned, they were surprised when an angel caused a violent shaking of the earth and rolled back the stone. The angel perched on the rock and told the followers that the tomb was empty. He told them that Jesus had risen, and to gather the disciples for Jesus will appear before them on the shores of Galilee.

 

The disciples gathered on the shore and were frightened and overjoyed when they spied Jesus shooting the curl of a fifty foot wave on foot alone without surfboard. “Gnarly Be-ith He” they shouted as Jesus approached them.

 

Jesus stood before his disciples and one by one embraced them. “Behold, I have arisen from the dead.” Jesus proclaimed. After anointing each with his embrace, Jesus bit into their skulls and ate their brains, turning each disciple into a brain eating zombie.

 

“Go forth, my disciples, and devour the minds of the multitude and spread the disease of Christianity until no corner of the earth is capable of rational thought and the millions will blindly follow any charlatan or huckster who covers his idiocy in the language of Jesus.”

 

And the disciples went forth and spread the disease Christianity to the four corners of the earth and the multitudes were swindled and exploited by Frauds and Pharisees and made to bring forth unspeakable horrors upon each other in the name of Jesus.

 

And so it continues until the Judgment Day, when the Great Swindler shall convince all mankind that breathing is of the Devil, and mankind shall cease to exist.

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