I love to write. But for some reason I have not been able to put these words on paper until now. It has been a writer's block of the most magnificent (and frustrating) kind because I always knew a day would come when I can articulate my journey from devout Christian, to anti-theist. I just didn't know when it would happen.
Becoming an atheist for me happened so quickly, what seemed like overnight. Realistically it took about 3 months of reading and pondering the atheist stance and perspective. It was really very simple. If evolution was true (it is) and we have evolved (we have) then the Bible is not true.
If A then not B...
Or something like that...I vaguely paid attention in philosophy class.
The implications of what this meant for me in my life, when the rubber hits the road has been Earth shattering, and life changing, to the point where I do not even recognize myself!
So If not A then B, but also...if B then not A....what did this mean for me?
Well...if there is no God, then how do I handle my abusive husband?
I leave him...and I did.
If I am not created to be "man's helper" as a "submissive wife" then what the hell am I?
After all my entire identity was wrapped up in what my ex-husband wanted. After slaving away to fight for him and make him happy, and failing to do so, What now?
I'm just starting to figure that out.
If it's not "sinful" to have sex with without being married, how do I do this safely in a healthy way? And how do I let go of the guilt of my own unhealthy ideas of what it means to be in a sexual relationship as a servant, not an equal?
If my "calling" in life is not just to raise babies and be a wife, then how do I begin to find myself?
If it is not "ungodly" to be bold, assertive, and strong, how do I become that, when all I know is the shame of being a dirty rotten sinner?
If this is my only life, how do I live to the fullest?
These questions have been answered, and some of them are still in progress, but what it has meant for me has been a total transformation. I am fortunate to have wonderful girlfriends who have been there for me since childhood and they love me no matter what. I am fortunate that my family has always been secular, so they could care less one way or the other what I believe. So it hasn't been difficult to reconcile my new approach to life. What has been difficult is learning and understanding what a healthy, whole woman really is and how I should act without using the word "should." Because an atheist woman doesn't have to answer protocol nor does she have to care what others think of her...but I've ALWAYS cared what people think of me!!! And that's the real problem isn't it? I gained my self-worth through the validation of other people, and those who I thought were supposed to build me up have tried to tear me down. And my "faith" in God and my belief that I am so unworthy (insert Wayne's world bow here) only added insult to injury.
I have had to make some very hard choices lately. I've chosen to forgive and forget the wrongs that have been done to me. I forgave my ex-husband's back child support in full, and I decided not to press charges and go after a man that has put me in grave danger. Instead I'm moving forward and moving on. The past really doesn't matter, and analyzing it all to death isn't necessary. So it's just me, and my son against the world. I am excited that this Friday, I am moving, and my stalker will not be able to find me (I hope!!!!)...so I can finally breath a huge sigh of relief!!!!!!.....and forget this horrible nightmare I've been living in.
Once I am safe, I am going to continue....after all, I am always work in progress. So I will continue to learn about myself without the indoctrination of preset expectations, and I will continue to live my live, striving for happiness. I do wonder if we're ever really meant to be happy. I really hope so.
Happiness to me means giving my son a good, safe, healthy life. Happiness means being treated with respect, not tolerating abuse. Happiness means enjoying the good things in life. And happiness means loving people well, without expecting something in particular in return. I want a simple life. That is what it means to me to be happy. So instead of living to please a God, I live to give back, and be a good friend, mother....and to enjoy the wonders of the universe. I am excited to be free from abuse once and for all!!!!! I am excited to turn a new chapter in this beautiful life.