So, inspired by CaraColeen's post of her old journal, I went and found some of MY old journal entries.
My father (biology teacher/devout Catholic) was very surprised to hear of my budding atheism in the past few years. His memory of me in high school is as a Bible-thumper, youth minister wannabe. He likes to tell himself that I stopped believing because I absorbed my husband's perspective.
Not so. Even when I was very much mired in the depths of religiosity, I had doubt, and it killed me. This was written 11 years ago, when I was 17. I was in Paris for World Youth Day, at the Sacre Coeur Basillica, listening to various speakers.
It's chapels with glorious art & sculptures & paintings dedicated to God that just fill me with awe. Just thinking of what inspired these artists almost makes me jealous of their faith.
This young woman says "Jesus loves you. All you have to do is believe." That's all. For me, that's almost like saying "You can touch the stars. All you have to do is fly." I've been searching for my faith, actively, for more than two years. And still, I can't believe. I WANT to, with all that I am. I want to welcome God into my heart, but something always stops me. I have sacrificed so much to get here, and still it isn't enough.
Now this guy says to give all you are to Christ. I guess I want to want to. There's a saying "Let go & let God." But I cannot. I feel almost like a baby bird that can't believe that he can fly. That first step out of the nest is the worst. I don't know if, as I step off the edge, I'll be disappointed, and plummet to the earth below, or if I'll soar with God.
To be able to let go & let God is the greatest gift. I wonder if the people who say that realize that it isn't that easy.
I WANT TRUE FAITH!!!
I have to say, I mourn my loss of faith. I *liked* the idea of a benevolent being who was looking out for me, and loved me unconditionally. However, something being "warm & fuzzy" doesn't make it real. While I think most believers are self-deluded, they have comfort in their delusions.