It is kinda weird for me to talk about my feelings because I always considered it a weak thing to do....but right now I am feeling VERY weak,pathetic and helpless. The people who read my previous blogs might have thought that I am that brave rebel who is against his society and is willing to fight for his freedom...That is sadly not true. Everyday I discover more that I am a big coward, I am always scared and I am always worried about everything in my life. I am living in CONTINUOUS fear, I can not sleep without being scared of the other day.. Today in college, I heard some guys talking trash about atheists and I.....did nothing, I was too scared of them..I am just a sheep... Being forced to do everything in life because I was too scared to say "No I do not want this". 

Everyday I lose respect towards myself because I am just there....doing nothing and being controlled and being unable to say what I really want to say. The funny part is that I convince myself that I am brave because I write blogs in a site that most of it's members think like me LOL... I mean really..How am I that stupid? If I post such blogs on another Islamic websites and someone just opposed my point of view, I think I might run and hide under my bed like a rat! True I am not even exaggerating, I can be scared of my own shadow.

Fear is the main factor of my failure in life in general. I know it is not a mental disorder website but I needed to get these things off my chest so sorry about that. One more thing, please do not ever be like me. Never be fake,never be a sheep, never surrender to the society.   

Views: 220

Comment by Pope Beanie on February 21, 2016 at 6:27pm

No worries man, you're still maturing. (Even I'm still maturing at over 60 years old, but unfortunately we can't say the same thing about everyone.)

I'll describe my first take on your posts, but remember that I'm not big on first impressions, and even after several impressions, I think I do a fair job of keeping my mind pretty wide open.

I mentioned that I can't blame people for succumbing to mass peer pressure, like they do when succumbing to locally-traditional religion. You replied that "it's their choice". I'll re-highlight here that I don't believe it's as much as a free choice as perhaps you do.

Don't blame yourself for feeling like a coward in the battle. It's not easy. Honestly, as soon as I learned of you as another atheist in the Arab world, my first thought (and still there) is that you're a brave misfit, doing the best you can do. I commend you for taking on that incredible task, and journey!

I believe strongly that perhaps the most effective way we'll be able to overcome religion and other peer-pressured traditions is to have enough confidence in other people to find ways to help them overcome their insecurities in their own culture-space. Sometimes that strategy is just a dream, but sometimes it really works.

Comment by Belle Rose on February 22, 2016 at 3:39am
You are probably (if You are college age) still developing your sense of self. 18 or 19 is the age that generally happens. You cannot "stand up and be brave" until you fully know and accept who you are. This is not you being a coward. At all. It is just you are still learning who you are and that is based on lifecycle psychology. This is really what I think. It is OK.

So give yourself a break. In another 10 years you can be fighting on the front lines, lol...
Comment by TJ on February 22, 2016 at 7:43am

Bravery can be misapplied.

For example, if what you want is to be able to believe what you want to, or not want to...dying for that cause will not allow you to meet those objectives.

A battle where brave men fight to the death but accomplishes nothing was simply a waste of many brave men,

A brave man fighting for what he he believes in, in a battle where victory is possible, is a lot different than a man merely sacrificing himself as a martyr.

You can lose almost every battle, and win the war for example.

So, if you live where atheists are simply executed when found, and where stepping out into the light as "a proud atheist" is simply the end of the proud atheist...it makes no sense to do so, yet.

Strength is in numbers, and, repressive regimes know that preventing numbers prevents uprisings/dissent.

IE: If everyone thinks everyone ELSE is against them...they feel alone, and, powerless.  If everyone knows that everyone else would rat them out, they cannot go around and do consensus building, as that would expose them, etc.

Without the ability to feel out others as to their true feelings, to see who ELSE feels as you do, you become trapped.

THIS IS AN UNFAIR POSITION, BUT, IF THE ALTERNATE IS DEATH, IT IS TYPICALLY PREFERABLE TO DEATH.

From those who have escaped the middle east, and communist regimes where the same type of repression is common, etc, I know that you are NOT ALONE...but, you are surrounded by others who feel as you do, but who also fear persecution if exposed.

All you can do in your current environment is plant subtle seeds of thought that are one day able to sprout into freedom....or escape to a place where you will not be repressed.

You are in school, and, one day, will probably be looking for a job.  MAJOR IN SOMETHING NEEDED SOMEWHERE USEFUL TO YOUR OBJECTIVES.

:d

Comment by Simon Paynton on February 22, 2016 at 9:48am

There's nothing wrong with being scared to get killed.  In your society, that's what happens to atheists, and it's right and proper if you are scared, loll    :-)    Damn, don't be ashamed of that.  I'd be scared shitless if I was an atheist in Egypt, or otherwise, I'd accept I'm going to be tortured or killed for standing up what I believe in.  Just don't be ashamed of feeling scared, it's appropriate. 

There's no need for you to prove your courage.  Just don't bother.  It's more important that you're alive. 

Comment by Simon Paynton on February 22, 2016 at 9:51am

Being vulnerable = being real = being strong. 

Comment by Simon Paynton on February 22, 2016 at 9:53am

Hey, you've impressed me, and that isn't easy.  Give yourself a break.  You're OK. 

Comment by Simon Paynton on February 22, 2016 at 9:57am

I'll face fuckin anything in the world, don't necessarily follow my example. 

Comment by SteveInCO on February 22, 2016 at 10:25am

Bravery can be misapplied.

For example, if what you want is to be able to believe what you want to, or not want to...dying for that cause will not allow you to meet those objectives.

Don't exclude the possibility that someone may prefer death over living in a world that won't him believe what he wants to.  In that case fighting is the right and proper thing to do regardless of the odds.

No, I'm not saying proudAtheist should be thinking that way.  (That's a decision only he/she can make, and as long as it's done carefully, it's the right decision.)  I'm just pointing out that someone might think that way.

Comment by proudAthiest on February 22, 2016 at 12:45pm

I would like to thank you all for your advice. Do not worry about me at all because I FULLY understand that it is absolutely normal to be scared about living in a place where atheists are killed for being so. The thing is I am just feel tired of being scared all the time, that is why I kinda feel bad for my self...I mean...This is not the life I always wanted to live in...It is boring and pointless,but I understand...I am not alone in this situation...That is why I am still alive and haven't took my own life yet :)  Maybe things may get better in the future and here I am....still waiting for this day to come and start being ME.. Thanks again for your concern, I love you all :)

Comment by Simon Paynton on February 23, 2016 at 6:31am

Things will get better in the long term if you take steps in that direction. 

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