I caught a little bit of a call in radio show this afternoon where a gentleman had called in to say that he was dating a girl who wished to remain a virgin until marriage. And though he cared for her, he felt that sex was an important part of a relationship. He told his girlfriend that he respected her decision to not have sex, however he could not be chaste and would continue to see other women for sexual gratification. The fallout on the radio show was scores of women calling him an asshole because “all he wanted from her was sex.”

I had the immediate urge to call and tell the young man to run away, run quickly away. This woman’s desire to hold on to her virtue like some sort of magical shield spoke volumes to the kind of woman she was…a deluded one. I am sure I will get a lot of flak for this stance, especially from women, but bear with me and open your mind.

Female purity is a patriarchal construct that has one purpose and one purpose only, to subjugate women. We are sexual beings. As with any species, it is hardwired into our DNA to reproduce, to continue our genetic code. In order to ensure this happens, we have evolved to enjoy sexual intercourse. It is pleasurable for us, increasing our desire to copulate and therefore increasing the opportunity for reproduction.

By vilifying one half of the population for following our very nature, those who demand women remain sexually pure gain control over them. Women’s purity becomes a bargaining chip in the selling of daughters and sisters to men with money and power. These men see virginity as a virtue because that makes them the only sexual partner, increasing the likelihood that their DNA is passed and decreasing any chance that the inexperienced bride can question their virility or expertise.

As long as women continue to buy into this crap, we will continue to see the horrors of honor killings and female circumcision. I will not respect any religion that demands female purity. I can tolerate a lot of what I consider “misguided delusions” from Christians, Muslims, Jews, etc., but I refuse to hand over the control of my own body.

Women, when religious leaders demand that you remain pure, ask “WHY?” When your political leaders demand that you be virtuous, ask “WHY?” When your fathers, uncles, and brothers demand that you remain a virgin until they can marry you to a man twice your age, ask “WHY?”

Any answer that ties your sexual purity to your morality or your worth as a human being is the WRONG ANSWER.

Views: 59

Comment by Dan on February 14, 2010 at 8:34pm
Dark font is dark.
Comment by Assassin Grrl on February 14, 2010 at 8:40pm
I noticed as soon as it posted & changed it.
Comment by Misty: Baytheist Living! on February 14, 2010 at 9:37pm
The idea of sexual purity is the single most misogynistic tool on the planet, I do believe.
Great blog. Thanks for sharing.
Comment by Maria Myrback on February 14, 2010 at 9:48pm
The idea that a woman is supposed to remain "pure" until marriage is just a misogynistic load of crap. I see absolutely nothing wrong with what that guy on the radio did. He's looking out for his own needs. He's also looking for a healthy, adult relationship. Part of that is sexual relations and intimacy with the person you love. This, of course, presumes that both parties are adults.
If she wants to hang on to her virginity then she needs to be dating a celibate man. She also needs to be up front about that when she first starts dating someone. It will save lots of time and pain down the road.
Comment by Skycomet the Fallen Angel on February 14, 2010 at 10:44pm
I agree with your statements. I am a 21 year old virgin, but not for moral reasons. I have not, as of yet, had a steady partner, a lover who will stay with me for a while [and by a while, I mean at least a year or two... my ex stayed with me 1 month - that's not enough for me.] I believe ppl should have the choice to do whatever they want with regards to sex.
For me, however, I have a couple of GROUND RULES that I want to put out there for any future potential love interests.

I AM open to sex before marriage... but I have a few [completely reasonable] rules regarding my health and safety and my emotional needs. I did not have sex with my only ex-boyfriend b/c he refused to abide by one of these rules.

I don't put a value on virginity. That's not what I'm saying. I don't think purity is sacred, I think sex is sacred. Sex is the process that was designed by nature to create life. I don't care what other ppl do. It's not my business to get involved, but as for me... I don't wish to get into casual sex. Not because I think that doing so would degrade me... but b/c it's not safe and it isn't [from what I've heard] as emotionally powerful as sex with someone you actually care about. SO.. I set my own limits... and they are these....
1. If my partner has had sex before, he MUST be tested for STDs and HIV before I will consider sex [this is simply for health reasons - no offense meant] if it makes him feel better I will get tested with him, if it is requested.
2. If we are not going to be in a life-time commitment [due to my lack of funds for childrearing] contraception [protection] must be used [this is NOT a negotiable option].
3. We must be at least 3 months into a relationship. - I want the relationship to be stable when we decide this kind of thing, and an early relationship is full of turbulence.
4. I must care about him deeply and he must care about me deeply as well.
- I'm not interested in the "empty" sex of "friends with benefits" or "hooking up." If you want to do it... that's fine... just count me out.

I may be a virgin, but I want to bring up a point you failed to mention... we MUST not assume that because an adult is a virgin, it means that she is doing it on purpose for PURITY reasons.. for me the reasons are emotional and health related. In fact... at present I'm not even interested in marriage. - So my point is... not all virgins are like that!
Comment by prudentia on February 14, 2010 at 11:14pm
I like this story and commentary, very well done. So well done that i only have one thing to comment on: “all he wanted from her was sex.” What a dumb and completely wrong statement. Obviously he didn't care about getting sex from her. If all he wanted from her was sex he would have left her. come on ignorant bitches, put it together.
Comment by prudentia on February 15, 2010 at 12:35am
ive seen a few comments saying he doesnt respect her, and sex is to important to him. I think he respects her greatly, thats why he isnt leaving her, he still loves her, sex to him, is simply biological. Its, for lack of better terms, a hobby. He physically enjoys it. what i think alot of people dont realize when we talk about no religion and no spirituality, is that sex is biological. yes sex creates life, but with a condom it wont (most of the time). I just dont like how sacred it is seen to be. for me its physical.
Comment by Doug Reardon on February 15, 2010 at 12:41am
Hoggamus higgamus, man is polygamous, higgamus hoggamus, woman is monogamous.
Comment by B. on February 15, 2010 at 6:27pm
Great post, I wholeheartedly agree!

As long as you're protecting yourself against STI's and unwanted pregnancy, there's no reason to forego sex.

I can understand waiting a month or three or longer (depending on your personality, I guess) to form a deeper relationship without physical intimacy at first (I myself insist will always insist on monogamy, if only to reduce the risk of contracting an STI which booms exponentially the more partners you -- or your partner -- has), but there's no reason to delay it indifinitely, or for the archaic institution of christian marriage.
Sex is a great part of a relationship, enjoy it!
Comment by B. on February 15, 2010 at 6:34pm
Cynthia, I will teach my children that sex is just physical. It's certainly not sacred, and the lines you draw for morality & self-respect can be hard to place. A person can have numerous partners seeking self-esteem, or they can have none because they don't feel worthy.

The ONLY reason to limit yourself as far as partners go is the risk of pregnancy and disease. The moral barrier is arbitrary, and should be abandoned entirely. It's horrific that we're still lugging it around this long. Humans are of a very small group of mammals that have sex for pleasure -- and there is nothing wrong with that. The goal of sex SHOULD be pleasure -- primarily physical, but potentially also for connecting with your partner. But if that latter goal is missing, it doesn't mean it's bad or immoral sex.

Are we going to teach our children that eating too much dessert is immoral? That having too many different kinds of desserts means they have low self-esteem?
No, we're going to teach them that over-indulging in sweets can put them at risk of obesity, heart disease and diabetes. Because dessert is really good, but choose wisely for your health!

And likewise we're going to teach them that over-indulging in sex can put them at risk of STDs and pregnancy. Because hey, sex is really good, but choose wisely for your health!


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