The Incredulity of Saint Thomas (1601-02): Michelangelo Merisi da Caravaggio

John 20:24-30: Jesus Appears to Thomas


24 Now Thomas, also known as Didymus, not to be confused with P.Diddy, or Dino (pronounced dee-no) from Hanna-Barbera’s beloved The Flintstones---was one of the twelve.  He wasn’t hanging out with the other eleven when Jesus came.  Jesus, had been having a hard time getting into town, what with no reservation and it already being like 5 in the afternoon & nobody this side of the Red Sea serving blueberry pancakes (Jesus’ favorite).


25 So the eleven let Tommy know, “We have seen the Lord!  He found a Red Carpet Inn seated right next to a Denny’s and after he stuff’s himself & takes a shit, he said he’d be right over!  But Thomas, he was a stickler.  He wasn’t fooled by the magicians when he was a kid and his mom had em’ at those cheesy McDonald’s birthday parties---he certainly wasn’t gonna fall for it now.  He said to the other eleven (who at this point were standing in a formation not too unlike when bowling ball pins come down for that first throw---with an extra douchebag on the side), “Unless I see the leftover blueberry sauce or filling from those pancakes he is supposed to have wolfed down at Denny’s, and I stick my finger in the newly caked-on blueberry sauce or filling, I won’t believe he had some.  Hell, I don’t even know if the Denny’s around here are open 24 hours anyway.”


26 A week later his disciples were in the house again---whose house they were in is anybody’s guess…probably Marc’s, as he often had kick-ass get-together’s where J-Lo would invite some of her female friends over.  As jealous as the others got of Marc’s situation, they all let that pass during such events.  Thomas was hanging with them anyway, and the house was rockin’ so much that apparently all the doors were locked.  Jesus, ever the attention whore, came from somewhere, even though all the doors to the place were locked---and he jumped into the middle of the main room where all the dancing was going on and said, with arms spread out like he was doing the “Y” in YMCA, “Peace be with you!” The whole thing brought everybody back to Molly Shannon’s characterization of Mary Katherine Gallagher on Saturday Night Live.


27 Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here---right here where the big blue spot is on my shirt.  Ya see it?  See my hands?  They are still sticky too, covered in that blueberry goo!  Reach out your hand and put it in the goo.  Stop doubting that I found a half-way decent blueberry pancake at this hour, and believe.”


28 Thomas said to him, “Wow, I’m impressed.  But you know, nobody specified as to whether you could get pancakes with real blueberries at this time of the day here, in this town.”


29 Then Jesus looked down at his shirt and then back up at Thomas. “But I ate them.  I ate blueberry pancakes!  And, because you have touched the sticky mess left by their blue goo, you believe I did, don’t you?  Can I go as far as to say that those who would have believed I ate em’ without even touching the mess I left, are to be blessed?  I mean, I don’t know how I am gonna get these stains out of my shirt.  Shit, if I knew you were gonna be that anal, I would have skipped the whole thing.”


30 Thomas looked at Jesus with a face bearing something between pity and disappointment. “Man, I just think you flaked on the whole thing.  That’s all I’m sayin’.  Anyway, whatever, I got to go see one of J-Lo’s buds over there.  Marc’s hooking me up.”


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Comment by Heather Spoonheim on March 21, 2011 at 11:32am
Once again some good chuckles, although this time I think you swerved away from Guido Sarducci and heavily towards Kerouac.
Comment by delapruch on March 22, 2011 at 3:24am
thanks again for reading my piece!  not a fan of kerouac myself, but i respect him as a prolific writer and never pass up the chance to be thrown in the same boat : ) much obliged.


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