Reasonable, intelligent individuals view homeopathy as pseudoscience easily dismissed by high school chemistry and simple mathematics, but since I am neither reasonable nor intelligent I consider it to be the greatest medical marvel since the tongue depressor.

 The genius of a homeopathic remedy lies in its simplicity of construction, so anyone with an empty bottle, some tap water, and too much time on their hands can create their own medication for everything from vaginal dryness to Andromeda strain.
  It works on the principle of 'like' cures 'like', which means, if you contracted salmonella from biting the head off a chicken (which you would almost never do), you could then take the thing that made you sick, in this case its raw chicken, dilute it in water several different times (remembering to shake it vigorously between dilutions), and create an antidote for your sickness.    
  Shills for the pharmaceutical industry have released copious videos and blogs in an attempt to discredit this process, but since I refuse to read anything that does not agree with my world view, I have no idea, nor do I care what their arguments are, and to be honest, even if they proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that homeopathy was as useless as my grandmother with an iPad, I still wouldn't change my mind.
  Skeptics of homeopathy will claim the dilution rate is so great that by the time the process is complete there is not a single molecule of active ingredient left in the water, which would be true if water did not contain 'memory'.
  Unlike jello-shooters or olive juice, water has the ability to remember any substance it once came in contact with, evidence for this can be found somewhere in a book, I think. This of course means that not only are you imbibing whatever compound you added, but also every other element that has come in contact with the water, such as bark from the hull of a long sunken Spanish galleon and shit.
  I know it sounds repulsive to think every time you drink a glass of water you're swallowing something that retains the memory of my uncle Johnny's urinary tract, but its still better than Mountain Dew.
  The techniques used to create homeopathic remedies are so useful they can also be applied to other aspects of life. Here is a quick experiment you can try at home using the principles of homeopathy.

  • get one ounce of your favorite hard liquor (in my case its scotch)
  • pour the scotch into a bottle of water (filtered is best) and bang it against your head 40 times
  • remove 90% of the mixture and refill with water
  • repeat this process 20-30 times
  • drink mixture
 
  As a man that has done this every Friday after work for the last three years I can tell you this process not only saves you money on booze, but gets you so incredibly drunk you feel like your sober.
  I have personally been producing and ingesting my own homeopathic remedies for many years now, as well as sharing them with friends and family, most of whom have had positive results.
  One recent example of this is my cousin Nick, who I would bring jars of homeopathic water to in hopes of curing him of a little known illness he acquired called "Foreign Accent Syndrome" (yes, its real), which caused him to unintentionally speak with a Hindi dialect.
  Nick was a skeptic of homeopathy who would happily accept the mason jars of medicine I would provide, only to dump them into the dying fern he kept in his living room, instead of taking it himself. Several weeks later, to Nicks astonishment, the wilting leaves of his wretched brown fern began to grow thick and green once more, obviously benefiting from the healing properties of my remedy. Nick's mind was immediately convinced of the power of homeopathy and he soon began taking it himself, and I believe it would have cured him of his malady had he not been shot dead by his wife, over his decision to vote for Trump.
  If you happen to be too lazy to get off your ass and make your own remedies, locating a competent Homeopath can be more difficult than finding a nude picture of Mother Teresa.
  Fakes and frauds who know very little about the intricacies of creating a medical grade homeopathic medicine, abound, which makes the possibility of crossing paths with a charlatan very high.
  I personally know of many people who were forced to go to several dozen different homeopaths because the remedies they were prescribed had no effect on their respective disorders. It has been suggested to me that the reason for this is that their ailments were more severe than anything the placebo effect could mitigate, which seems to make a lot of sense, but really hurts my feelings, so it must not be true.
  Homeopathy's ability to heal is well documented somewhere on the internet and has been scientifically tested by people with a GED and number two pencil.
 I have personally had enormous success with homeopathic medications. Just last summer I suffered a bout of dehydration after forgetting to wear my fez in the hot sun, which one glass of homeopathic water instantly relieved. I also suffer from sever dry-mouth, which only seems to be helped by using homeopathic mixtures.
  Like any drug, the possibility of side effects is a concern, and homeopathy is no different. These side effects consist of many things including, increased urination, a sloshing sound coming from the stomach, a feeling of stupidity, extra glasses in the sink, an inexplicable desire to hit yourself in the face with a shovel, and bloody stool.

NOTE* 'bloody stool' is not actually a side effect of homeopathy, but it seems to be in the 'side effects' section of every drug commercial I see on TV, so I just thought I'd go along with the pack.*

  If homeopathy is a legitimate alternative to main stream medicine why is it not practiced in hospitals or taught in the worlds leading medical schools? The answer is simple, and when you find out what that answer is, please let me know because I'm thoroughly confused. With the immense success rate of homeopathy among people that live in my condo unit, it seems to make little sense that the medical community would poo-poo the benefits of its power.
  Now, I don't want to suggest there's a mass conspiracy taking place, but there is a mass conspiracy taking place. Homeopathy offers a cheep, effective alternative to pharmaceuticals and the large drug corporations don't like it. The sale of stool softeners, antivenom, and Flintstones vitamins, would plummet if the population found out they could achieve the same effects with puddle water, that they could with costly medications, and this frightens the drug industry.
  If you're taking something prescribed by your doctor that's working for you, I don't want to suggest you stop and go over to homeopathy (yes I do), but you should at least give it a try.
 So, when the inevitable day comes that your doctor informs you, you have diabetes or brain cancer, don't just accept the treatments he provides without first sampling homeopathies many benefits, because as good as things like insulin and chemotherapy are, they're no match for a glass of water, shaken several times.

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Comment by Gregg RThomas on August 5, 2016 at 12:52am

I didn't like the smell of my piss, so to speed up the results I have been drinking it straight for several weeks now and to be honest it doesn't really smell that bad anymore.

Since this has worked I'm considering getting rid of the bad smell of my farts in the same manner because my girlfriend has been complaining every morning after I spend the night.  Or I could just start eating her.   What would you suggest???

Comment by TJ on August 5, 2016 at 11:06am

As with homeopathy, when you START eating her, do NOT finish....essentially, eat so little of her that no measurable amount of her flesh is missing.  

The first time I tried that with a GF, she really liked it, a lot.

Hence, huge fan of homeopathy.

:D

Comment by Beth on August 7, 2016 at 2:47pm

LOL.

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