My past lives in my hometown.  And the past is...

ignorant. humble. high. toilsome. joy. sorrow. purpose. embarrassing. prophetic. beautiful. raw. aching. sound. shameful. misled. honor. lonely. dead.

Devastating. Shameful disgrace. Leaving the love of my life! I grieve the loss of my Christ, my everything.

And it took all the courage in the world.

I'm disappointing the people I love the most and I'm learning to be okay with it. From being pushed away, I'm learning. Learning to not trust.

"I'm in love with a stripper"

No, I'm in lust with something I don't know. The future I don't know. The possibilities I don't know. And I'm DRAWN to stand out, destined to love that which my past won't love back. Floating in conformity with a secret that sets me apart. I fell in love. I fell in love with a world that doesn't love me back. And I feel cheated.

Cheated of a love story that I was never meant to find. Cheated of a heart that was destined for Holy yet found the sensations of death. Cheated for an understanding and knowledge, yet the mysteries remain. You see, we're all a little crazy. My demons haunt my every sober thought. If hell is what you make it, make it wisdom. Make it understanding.

Since, everything is speculation.

Make it chaos, inspired by the crazies. The crazies see hell differently. We see it beautiful and broken. We see it soft and loud. We see it peaceful and trippy. We see it intermingling with the Divine in intimate soundness.

I see tidal waves of insecurity. I see hope and destiny in the eyes of humanity. I see light in our hearts and the darkening of our minds.

So if hell is what you make it, make it chaos. It's the home we know best.

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