So, I'm watching The 19th Wife on LMN--a movie with murder and Mormons--when the doorbell rings and a couple of young Jehovah's Witness bible thumpers want to read me some scripture and give me a booklet. This isn't the first time this group has visited my house, but it was the first time I was home alone and the one to answer the door. As soon as I knew what was about to happen I regretted my decision to answer the door immediately. They were very young--I'm 22 and they were noticeably younger than me--which I'm assuming they think gives them an advantage as strangers are less inclined to tell a couple of preteens to fuck off than they are a couple of skeezy adults. Anyway, the boy was in a full suit and the girl had some kind of fur coat on, which really made it hard to stifle my laughter.

So, she started her spiel, pointing out things in what I guess is their magazine, The Watchtower--I'm sure I'm not the only one here who's come across this--and I was just trying not to look at them so I didn't laugh and wondering when she was going to stop talking so I could get back to my movie. After she finished going through whatever she wanted to show me in the magazine she says, "Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to read you 6 scriptures..."

*teeth clenched* "NO, THANKS"

It was hard, but I managed to remain polite by first keeping my mouth shut and then by just saying "no thanks." Of course she wanted to leave the magazine with me, and I figured that would be one less in circulation so I took it and headed straight to the trash after departing with my new friends.

But, right before I decided to blog about my encounter, I thought "Maybe I'll just see what I'm working with here. There's bound to be something in there that I can laugh at, right?" Naturally, the whole thing is a steaming pile of delusion that required more teeth clenching to get through, and I felt dirty just flipping through it. But, there's good news, folks. I found the funny, and would now like to share it with you. This excerpt comes from a section titled "Who is Jesus Christ?" There are 5 questions concerning THE Jesus and number 5 is my personal favorite:

"5. What is Jesus doing now? By curing the sick, raising the dead, and rescuing people in peril, Jesus demonstrated what he would eventually do for all obedient mankind. (Luke 18:35-42; John 5:28, 29) After Jesus died, God restored him to life as a spirit person. (1 Peter 3:18) Jesus then waited at God's right hand until Jehovah gave him power to rule as King over all the earth. (Hebrews 10:12, 13) Now Jesus is ruling as King in heaven, and his followers on earth are announcing the good news worldwide.--Read Daniel 7:13, 14; Matthew 24:14. Soon, Jesus will use his power as king to put an end to all suffering and those who cause it. Millions who exercise faith in Jesus and obey him will enjoy life in a paradise on earth--Read Psalm 37:9-11."

Apparently this is straight from his exclusive "Where Are They Now?" feature in US Weekly. But, that's not the best part, it's also followed by a very enticing preview of heaven:

Look how happy and diverse!

Surely I should take all this as a message straight from THE Jesus himself, but for now I think I'll just consider it as the irony that is my life and return the magazine to the circular file. Consider yourselves saved! You're welcome :)