The bible as written in a book report by a child (Yeah Right!)

I put my comments right after the lines to show some arguments against the logic of the stories to show just how stupid they really are. The bible makes sense if your 6 and willing to give up your free thought and just "Believe".

A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching.

Through the eyes of a child: The Children's Bible in a Nutshell (NOT written by a child!)

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that. (Your assuming facts not in evidence and IF there was a gOd before the Big Bang he/she/it sure has been quite despite so much shit going on in the world/universe and neary a peep. Also this brings up "Infinate Regression" and according to logic fundies bring, this puts gOd in a bind as he has to explain where he came from.)

Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did. (So he just snapped it into existance? That doesnt make any sense at all. Light space, time started to happen right after the big bang)
Then God made the world. (According to the bible, this is wrong. He supposedly made this all in the dark.)

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. (Cute pun there, but there is no evidence that woman was taken from a man's rib, and animals have been reproducing sexually for a long time and it makes sense with DNA/RNA to get genetic material from the parents as it makes diversity and thats what makes a species survive.)


Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars. (Ok here is the magic fruit from the talking snake.)

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. (ok, since there was only one woman, does this mean that Cain fucked his mom? Its says in the Bible that Lot's daughters got him drunk and had sex with him. Is that the fundie fail safe for sex? A close family member?)

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.(now life expectancy is the longest that its ever been with men in the us living to the late 70's and women to mid 80's and you want me to think that people lived several hundred years? YEAH...OK!!)

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.(OK, for one there hasnt been a world wide flood. This story is from Mesopatamia and its about a king who during a flash flood accomendeered a raft and rode it out. 2. There is no way that Noah could have had the Kangaroos, the Aligators, sheep, cats, dogs, praire dogs and everything else in the arc just on space issues alone, let alone the supplies to feed them all for 40 days of the rain then the weeks longer it took for "water to recede". the story just dosent make any sense.)

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.(not any proof anywhere that Isrealies were slaves in Egypt. Only mentioned in the Bible or Torah and NO WHERE ELSE!!)

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff. (of the 10 commandments only like 2 are really valid as things not to do in the real world as it is written. people intrepret it all kinds of ways and say things that they dont really say in them. im not even going to talk about "mannah from the "heavens" as thats just really stupid!!)

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother. (sure because if you dont they can stone you to death. yes thats in there, look it up for your own self. so much for loving gOd to command that.)

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town. (another in just stupid stories that make sense if your 6. that if you get enough people to scream at 20 foot thick stone walls they will collapse.)

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me. (sure and this is what xtians now say is "gOd commanded marriage"...300 wives and 500 raped whores stolen from conquired lands. :D. I have 1 wife and she is enough for me to deal with. OH wait...if he had a problem with one, he could just take her out to the edge of town and stone her raped ass but there are laws against that kind of shit now.)

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.(dont even get me started on this story. but a guy who lived in the stomach of a creature for 3 days and wasnt killed by stomach acid, no water, or air...yeah ok!)

There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them. (Sure lets turn to book of Nahum. Real exciting reading even when i was a fundie.)

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.') (i will just say 2 things. One the birth is only mentioned in 2 of the 4 Gospels and the genealogies dont match up. 2. If Jesus is decended from David how does the Virgin Birth, Joseph lineage even mater as Joseph didnt cum in Mary to make Jesus)

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats. (No where outside the Bible is the man even mentioned in historical records.)

Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.(Funny how only 4 of "Opossums" wrote and then it wasnt right away. It was YEARS later and some would say minimum 50 years later.)

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.(oh sure healing cataracts with some spit and dirt. That is just fucking stupid.)

But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.(See above answer for Jesus not found outside the Bible.)

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.(Sure! I can see that! HAHA! Is anyone else aware that this plot line was used by the Egyptians in thier lore as well? Gotta love the stolen plot devices when your writting a book to uneducated nomads living in the fucking desert thousands of years ago.)

I can give many other arguements at the veracity of the bible, but Im tired and MOH is calling my name. Laterz.

Views: 63

Tags: Arguments, Atheism, Bible, EMail, Theism

Comment by Galen on September 21, 2009 at 4:14am
As someone who works with kids every single day, I can verify that there is no way whatsoever that this piece of crap was written by a child. A child would've done MUCH better. An adult pretending to be a child, however, will give themselves away by showing their condescending, belittling, and insulting opinion of a child's intelligence while doing so. Any child smart enough to write this isn't going to make all the completely idiotic mistakes or add the asinine commentary. Whoever wrote this not only owes his religion an apology, but he owes his children one too.
Comment by Reggie on September 21, 2009 at 7:29pm
What Galen said....except I don't work with children. Icky little monsters, they are. ;)
Comment by Marome on November 1, 2009 at 3:21am
I'm sure a child would be much more critical than that (when I was 6 I learnt about the dinosaurs and I didn't think that both the bible and the dinosaurs could be true). And if you told a child to read the whole bible and make a book report on it I'm sure that they would just give him a kids version, like the Jehovas witness book for children, which is filled with falsities.

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