Humans have been living longer with each generation thanks to better healthcare and diets, but alas, the ability to live for hundreds of years has always been well beyond our grasp. That is, until now! I'm so happy to report the solution to the mortal problem is a special liquid I've discovered. Not one created in a lab, not one chemically altered in any way by humans. This liquid was under our noses the whole time. Water!

Rainwater, saltwater, tap water- it's all good. It not only sustains life, it can extend it beyond our wildest dreams! But what's that, I hear you say? You always drink water? Your great grandparents drank it but they still died? Yes, I understand your doubts. The thing is, we've been doing it all wrong. Drinking it is okay if we want to sustain life, but to extend it we have to either completely or partially immerse ourselves in it, pour it over the upper body, or sprinkle a bit on our heads.

But even then there are conditions that have to be followed. Can't just take a stroll in the rain or have a shower or go for a swim. We'd have noticed us all living longer a long time ago if it was that easy. Basically what you have to do is get someone to do it for you, maybe get a crowd of people to watch and really really believe it will work. For babies too young to believe, just believe for them and it'll still work. Then, if you do it right, you'll be overcome by extreme happiness; maybe even shed a happy tear or two. That's when you'll know for sure it's worked!

Wait a minute, you may be thinking. The world's just going to end up overpopulated if we're all getting our lives extended. Quite. Luckily though, the whole special life extending water system is foolproof! We die here like normal, but then we carry on living somewhere else where there's loaaaaads of room for everyone!

This is bound to catch on. How could it not? Everyone will be doing this around the world! In the dry areas, I predict the more wells are built, the greater the number of people who'll be taking advantage of this amazing opportunity. Just wait and see!

Tell everyone! Friends and family, strangers on their doorsteps, stand in town centres and spread the great news! Sure you'll get people who think you're just crazy, and that no one's ever come back from the bigger place to tell us it even exists, but you know better. All you require to know it's true is someone telling you it's true, and that extremely happy feeling I mentioned. What other reasons do you need?

Views: 5

Comment by Ian Brennan on July 20, 2010 at 12:49am
Ahmmm, who let you out?
Just add a wee drop to my whisky thanks.
Comment by Serotonin Wraith on July 20, 2010 at 3:50am
Lol, I don't get it. Previous blogs written in a similar style never had people thinking I was taking substances or mental. That's twice now.
Comment by Pesci on July 20, 2010 at 9:04am
I hear it tastes like coolaid....
Comment by Apple on July 20, 2010 at 10:36am
This sounds really good! But how do I know if I'm getting the right happy feeling? What if I'm just happy because I think it's working? I guess that's where I need faith, and lots of people around me to tell me that I'm correct. Then I don't have to question it, and I really don't want to question it anyway becuase I really want this to be true!
Comment by Misty: Baytheist Living! on July 20, 2010 at 3:52pm
How come we never hear back from our friends that go on to that special place with looooaaaads of room?
Seems a lot like they just die...
Comment by Reggie on July 20, 2010 at 9:15pm
Well, Misty, there is loooooaaads of room, but only one payphone. The line is really long and no one has a quarter.

Also, if someone is dunking you under water and you start feeling euphoric, you may want to be sure they are not drowning you.

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