Some of my best friends are christians

Lately, I've noticed something. I occasionally come across people on twitter making homophobic comments. Of course, these people all tend to be on the nuttier side of christianity. No surprise there. And, of course, I often call them out on it using a sprinkling of profanity, blasphemy, and personal insults. What can I say? It is my way.

Now, most of these people block me, but a few of them actually try to defend their nasty little statements. Amazingly enough, all of them seem to take a similar approach. First, they try to reassure me that they are in no way homophobic, and that they certainly have no dislike for gay people. An assertion which is, of course, completely at odds with the putrid little tweets that somehow appeared on their twitter feed. Hmmm, what to believe? Should I accept their declaration of innocence, or trust in the 140 character chunks of homophobic goodness that sit before me?

More surprising, though, is that they all claim to have gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender friends who would completely disagree with my perception of their alleged homophobia. My horribly wrong assessment of their previous tweets must simply be a failure of perception on my part. Maybe I'm simply too sensitive. Maybe I have anger issues, and could use a bit of counseling. Unlike all of their perfectly well adjusted gay friends. As should be obvious, said friendships are also offered as proof that they can not be the least bit homophobic. As they made perfectly clear to me, some of their best friends are gay.

Now, I in no way mean to imply that the LGBT community marches in lockstep, or that we all agree on the same things. That would be ridiculous. I am sure that many people within the community would disagree with me on a wide variety of topics. Certainly, many disagree with my assessment of religion and christianity, and I am sure some would describe me as a loudmouthed pretentious asshole. Which is as it should be.

However, what I find myself incapable of believing is that every raging homophobe I meet has enough gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender friends to populate a pride parade. It just seems a bit far fetched. Is there, perhaps, just the smallest possible chance that they could be, I don't know, really big fucking LIARS? You know, maybe, just a little? Ahh, but sorry. What was I thinking? Christians would never lie about something. Just ask the pope.

I, on the other hand, am an atheist. Of course, I have no morals, so there is nothing to prevent me from using such a tactic to win an argument. I can lie all I want. In fact, learning to lie while arguing with christians may be excellent practice for when I start to molest children. Hey, I'm queer. It's inevitable. If I were a good person, I would have been a priest or something. You know, someone who would never harm a child.

So, with the freedom that comes from complete moral depravity, I have decided to take this very same approach when arguing with christians. In fact, I have decided to test this approach here in the hope that my fellow depraved unbelievers will find it beneficial. So, here we go.

Let me try this one for starters.

Sure, I expressed a desire to rebuild the Colosseum, hunt down christians, and feed them to hungry lions. That does not make me anti-christian.
Some of my best friends are christians. Why would they be friends with me if they thought I hated them?

Or,
how about this one.

I know you think that what I said was
offensive, but some of my best friends
are christians
. Unlike you, they actually think it's funny when I
refer to Jesus as a brain sucking zombie. I mean, really, maybe you
should just lighten up a bit. It was just a joke, after all.

And, one for the catholics.

Yes. I made a joke that involved a donkey, the virgin Mary, oral sex, some Roman centurions, and the body of Christ, but I really don't understand what you're so upset about. Some of my best friends are catholics, and they thought it was hilarious.

And,

Just because I said that all christians should be in an asylum for constantly talking to themselves does not mean that I hate christians. I know that you believe you're talking to some invisible bearded friend in the sky. I also know you believe that your invisible friend loves you with an infinite love, and that you must talk to him on a regular basis to prevent him from torturing you for all eternity. See, I do understand your religion. Some of my best friends are christians, and I have never had any of them committed. You can talk to your invisible friend all you want in the privacy of your own home. I just don't see why you need to flaunt your insanity at my town council meetings, and please stop referring to it as "a personal relationship". How can it be a relationship when you are really all alone? That's just masturbation. Sorry, if you find the truth so offensive.

These are just a few ideas that I thought up in a pinch. Still a bit of a work in progress, you see. I'm sure that with time and effort, my days on twitter will be much more enjoyable now that I have found such a useful rhetorical tool. With that said, let me reassure all of my atheist friends here. The above statements contain a very big lie. I don't have any friends who are christians. Not even I would sink that low.

It's strange though. I've just noticed a slight twinge in my abdomen. I might even say some discomfort. I don't really feel sick, per se. It's more like, I feel somewhat dirty. Dirty deep down inside. Oh well, so much for my nefarious scheme. I guess the truth would be the better choice all around. Maybe we should simply drop the illusion of polite disagreement to express our true feelings. Christians should now refer to me as the evil perverted disease-ridden faggot who is destined for hell, and I will refer to them as the evil delusional stone-age fascist dumbfucks who worship a flying zombie.

Wow. That was refreshing. I feel better already.

Views: 13

Tags: christianity, deception, homophobia, lies, zombies

Comment by Jānis Ķimsis on May 31, 2010 at 3:52am
Good for you.
Comment by kelltrill on May 31, 2010 at 7:15am
Well done. Awesome rant. I like.
I've always wondered how people rationalise using statements like that in racial debates, for example, which are the most politically charged arguments in SA. "Some of my best friends are Black/White/Coloured/Indian." It's so retarded. As though that automatically exempts you from being a racist of any kind and gives you permission to make racist comments, regardless of the intention.
Back on topic: I retweeted this to my Twitter followers (which you might have seen). I had too much to say to this asshole, so I left the 140 character limit to other people hopefully more willing to destroy this tool. Note the hashtag spam.
RT @apiyor "Homosexuality is not a sexual orientation as much as murder is not a hobby or a chore." #atheism #religion #LGBTI #LGBT
I don't see any realistic way or arguing with people this close-minded. The problem is, what other option is there? It's not alright to just let these people stew in their own bigotry.
Comment by Todd on May 31, 2010 at 10:39am
Somehow, I've managed to miss out on @apiyor's delightful conversations, but I promise to keep him close to my heart in the days to come.

Yep. The "best friends" argument is certainly nothing new. There was a time in the US when a person could be a card carrying member of the KKK, and still be elected to public office. In some states, membership would have actually been a requirement. Fortunately, groups like the KKK were increasingly marginalized until they now consist of a few inbreds who, for some reason, refuse to have any dental work done. Of course, the racism in society didn't go away, but people now feel the need to distance themselves from the toothless white guys in linen by qualifying their racism with such magical phrases as "some of my best friends are ...."

It seems that blatant homophobia is now following the same path to marginalization. I guess Westboro baptist church would be the poster child here. Even the most die-hard conservative christians try to distance themselves from the Phelps clan. Christians in the US have realized that blatant homophobia no longer sells, so I guess it's time to start borrowing such rhetorical tools as the "best friends" argument. Tools which have a long established history of use by people who are, you know, not racist.

Whenever I call someone out on their homophobic or transphobic comments, I'm often surprised to find out that they know way more about same-sex attraction and gender issues than I do. Sure I've been queer/gender queer my entire life. Sure I lived with a great amount of shame and self-loathing as a child in the mormon church as I hid it away as though my life depended upon absolute secrecy. Sure I spent much of this childhood desperately struggling to change who I was, and who I was attracted too. All without success, of course. Not to mention that I've spent much of my adult life trying to overcome such an upbringing. Apparently, though, it has all been for nothing because homophobes understand all of these issues way better than I, and they are more than willing to share this wonderful knowledge with me.

Homophobes can quote bible verses, and they can quote scientific studies that involve the length of various fingers. They can even discuss, with absolute certainty, the level of female hormones that I was exposed to in my mother's womb, or the fact that I was simply not hugged enough by my father. More importantly, they can explain with skill and total clarity, how I can be free from such a horrible burden. It really is quite touching, but not in a priestly sort of way.

If all of these erudite arguments fail to convince me, they now have an even bigger weapon in their holy arsenal. They have TONS of gay friends, and all of these friends agree with them one hundred percent. How can I possibly argue with that?

Just as surprising, these same people also know way more about atheism than any actual atheist. As it turns out, we're all just angry at god. However, I have yet to meet any christians who claim to have tons of atheist friends in order to bolster an argument. Maybe atheists really are the most despised minority. When the day arrives that you hear a christian say that "some of their best friends are atheists", that's when you'll know that atheism has truly arrived.
Comment by Gerald Scott on May 31, 2010 at 11:41am
Has anyone ever called you "their atheist friend"? No one has ever said that to me. I don't know what I'd do. What would you do?
Comment by Todd on May 31, 2010 at 12:50pm
Never actually had that experience. Although, some have offered to pray for me. True friendship takes effort, but prayer is much easier. With prayer, they can experience the warm sensation that comes from friendship without having to take any risks or tolerate another person's foibles.

It also works great for poverty. By praying, they can achieve the satisfaction that comes from helping other people without having to actually help other people. Plus, they can do it from the comfort of their living room without having to, you know, be around poor people.

Maybe one day some intolerant religious nut will really feel like the lord is leading them to be friends with me. Won't that be grand? Sorry, but I have to stop now. I need to go check the locks on my doors.
Comment by kelltrill on May 31, 2010 at 5:25pm
I agree with pretty much everything you've said. Well said.
Regarding your "some of my best friends are atheists" comment, one of my close childhood friends, who is still one of my closest friends, is a (hectic, speaking in tongues, passing out, possible Creationist, definite I.D) Christian. Both of her parents are pastors and she's done mission work around Africa, yet we're still good friends. She refers to me as her Atheist friend in the same way that I refer to her as my Christian friend. It's a mutual agreement to disagree, if you will. It's been harder to maintain this delicate balance of late because anti-theism is a very large, outspoken part of me... online in any case (Twitter, TA, HappyAtheistForum etc) and I sometimes battle not to overstep a line.

Plus, they can do it from the comfort of their living room without having to, you know, be around poor people.
That sounds a lot like white liberals. I want to help the poor black people but keep them off my lawn.

Good luck with the barricading.
Comment by Todd on May 31, 2010 at 7:33pm
Good point. That characteristic is certainly not isolated to religious people. It's always easier to send a few dollars to a charity than it is to get involved. Even so, a few dollars may not accomplish much, but it still does more than prayer.

As for the barricading, I will leave off with that for now. Just kidding anyway. Although, I'd be lying if I said that I didn't wish I could sometimes. Life can get annoying that way. Usually, it builds up for awhile until I feel a strong urge to vent which is where this entire post came from. The occasional rant keeps me sane. I often use my twitter account for the same thing. Although, the 140 character limit can be absolutely infuriating when you're already too pissed off to see straight. Still, it's cheaper than counseling.

For me, atheism and skepticism is much less of an obstacle to having religious friends than being queer. I have friends who are wiccan and neo-pagan, and we get along just fine. I've studied the history of wicca and the occult, and I find it to be pretty ridiculous. Even so, I'm very capable of biting my tongue whenever the healing properties of crystals are mentioned.

The big difference with neo-paganism is that they are queer friendly. There are even queer oriented pagan groups such as the radical faeries. Of course, that is not the case with the hardcore christians.

Conservative christians will always look down on me for being queer no matter how loving they claim to be, and I had enough of that growing up. I have a very strong hatred of christianity, and a great deal of anger. It's good that there are atheists who can reach out, and act as ambassadors. Not sure that I will ever be capable of that. I was silent for too long, and it nearly killed me. When it comes to being queer, I will never be silent again.
Comment by kelltrill on May 31, 2010 at 8:18pm
Strange that you should mention queer-friendly pagans... at university I attended some pagan society get-togethers out of curiosity and found the majority of the society fitted somewhere into the LGBTIQ spectrum, which was interesting. However, I've had a wide range of experiences with wiccans. My first boyfriend was a wiccan, and is now an agnostic who does not think gay people have a right to marry (oh and is dating that very Christian friend of mine). Another wiccan I knew was homophobic when I met him but came out as bisexual, and then later gay a couple of years later. I have several friends who also consider themselves "straight but still proud to be queer" in the sense that they make out with people of the same sex on occasion (some of them) and attend gay pride festivals like Pink Loerie in Knysna and MCQP (the Mother City Queer Project) in Cape Town annually, both of which are awesome.

Conservative Christians will always look down on anyone who is not exactly like them. If you are pro-choice, not heterosexual, not male, not white, not rich, and just not Christian, they will find a reason to ostracise you, look down on you, or walk all over you to get what they want, using their religion as an excuse.

Anyway, I should head to bed. Keep venting, I enjoy reading them, and if it keeps you sane/from imploding I like being a part of the remedy, lol. Never hide who you really are. It's unhealthy and unnecessary.
Oh, and thanks for the 'radical faeries' link. Very interesting :)

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