So the holidays are over, the kids are tired of feeding me green play dough pork chops and are off doing a little something of their own, so I thought now was a good time to bore those of you with why I am who I am. Why I am here. What changed my mind to choose logic and reasoning over religion.
Well lets see here these are the things that happened that had nothing to do with it.
-Both parents alcoholics, both abusive and angry individuals.
-causing me to live with my grandparents most of my life.
-Then being raised in what could be justified to be nothing less than what I would consider as a cult.
This is where the story truly begins on a journey of craziness. Lots of people say something really bad must have happened to you, for you not to believe in god. Truth is my life story is a series of stories that in its self would make the most religious person in the world believe even greater than they already do. This is why I try to not share much of it.
Although I have died twice and come back thanks to SCIENCE and CODE BLUE! I am here to tell you I seen no angels during that time, and nothing that could be called god!
Now on to the story. So my grandmother my mothers mother, was also an alcoholic, however she was always kind to my sister and I. She did the best she could with us, and the emotional trauma of our mother never wanting to be there. She comforted us in time of need, she fed us and clothed us and for the most part was the one person that I loved almost more than anyone else.
My grandfather I adored. It was through him, I grew to know god, what was right what was wrong, I learned morals, as to why women should never cut their hair, why they should never wear Make up, why they should never wear jewelry, except a watch, why we were to be submissive to our husbands. Why tv was a product of the devil as was science and the theory of evolution.(this I always questioned because I found science and history amazing. The story of the dinosaurs being planted there by satan through me for a loop too but alas I worshiped my grandfather, so I never questioned him.)
Yes I worshiped my grandfather, as any daughter worships her father, when he is a true father to her. He could have told me that he was the reincarnated jesus and I would have certainly believed him.
After back surgery, my grandmother could no longer work, she took her disability and became a stay at home parent figure to us. She worked grave yards though, so I always seen her before retiring to bed at night, She always tucked me in, helped with home work you know the stuff that a mother should be doing for her kids.
Well I was strong in the religion of my grandfathers. I was taught to never try to convert, that my example alone would be enough to make people see the way to god.
Well one day I remember it clearly, my grandmother announced she was going to return going to church at the church of god. My grandfather and she would fight till all hours of the night over her decision.
In six months time my grandmother stopped smoking, and stopped drinking she put down 3 packs of ciggy's a day and a gallon of vodka a day, over night because she was convinced she had found god. So she announced to the family she was going to be baptized, and wanted us all there.
She was making positive changes, she had the hell scared out of her by her doctor, and so she did what she thought would help to make the health changes she needed to, in order to be healthy.
I rode to the church with my grandmother, my grandfather followed, my mom and both my uncles were there and sober all at the same time. This was something that I found rather relieving they were all sober! All four of them Mother and her children, 4 individuals who I had never seen in my life in one room together not drunk, raising hell, tipping over christmas trees, not screaming and raising hell.I had never seen these people together where it did not end in a massive knock down drag out of drunkenness and anger for some reason. Yet to day they were all smiling and rejoicing and sober, and I even seen my uncle cry there for a minute when my grandmother was baptized. I remember him saying he wish there was forgiveness for some one as himself.
We walked out into the parking lot afterward, and this was where what small amount of faith I managed to have because I didn't want to be disowned would be destroyed. This was where I would see first hand the very evil of religion, what god and jesus wanted you to do.
As my grand mother climbed into her car, I took my place in the passenger seat and buckled my seat belt. My grandfather paused walking on to his car, She rolled her window down and he rested his arm against the car ducked his head inside and said,"Shorty, what you are feeling in that church is that of the devil, there is no god here, and if you continue to go to church here and partake you will in fact go to hell any ways.. There is NO GOD IN THERE!!!" My hear sank in that moment, my faith was shattered, as my grandmother drove home which was 3 blocks away from the church, she instead went directly to the ABC store, and bought a gallon of vodka, and a carton of smokes.
In one horrid action 6 months of good whether it came from god or not, I know it was just a psychological feeling but it helped her to cope, he undone all the good that she had worked so hard to accomplish. and in that moment I lost my faith in him, in humanity, and in this so called god that was supposed to be good, but could not be anywhere except in the eye of the beholders church.
I refused to go to church any longer, I called my grand father a hypocrite, I soon moved in with my mother because my grandmothers health got worse, and my life was to get harder at that point. Not because i didn't have a god. This was the moment I would truly learn to define myself by my own-self, not by someone Else's titles. So the journey began, with many mistakes to be made, but logic and reasoning becoming more clear to be the right way to live my life. It took many years to finally declare that I did not believe in any kind of god.
I have often struggled with faith in myself. However, if I can't have that what on earth can I have faith in.
That is my story of leaving god. For those of you who wanted to know. I hope you are not all asleep now.