I feel like I am about to boil over and burn.
Some back story...because I don't know if I've mentioned this before, though I'm certain I have.
I was molested by my grandfather when I hit puberty, so was my older cousin...so were many of our friends before it happened to us, and after. My grandfather felt up a little girl at my grandmother's memorial service.
When he died I was thrilled. Not relieved, not filled with the urge to forgive, not at peace...
I rejoiced in the fact that the hands that had hurt me so much would be rotting in the dirt.
If he weren't buried next to my beloved grandmother I would salt the earth where he is interned.
I have not forgiven him, I will never forgive him. I will not because my family kept all of his victims from justice because the son-of-a-bitch went to confession.
He is dead and the world is better for it.
And then there was news.
In my family there is a crossing of branches, my grandfather's sister married my grandmother's brother and those kids and their kids all grew up along side us.
One of the kids I grew up with was just sentenced to 60 years in prison...for repeatedly sexually assaulting a girl under the age of 14.
How the fuck do I make my brain stop screaming?
There is no one I can talk to about this with in my family. The people who know what happened to me are the ones who let it go. The ones who don't know wouldn't understand the seething hatred I feel towards this genetic connection to these perverted men.
There are family members looking for excuses for his behavior, there is a lawyer trying to get him a deal for parole after 20 years...
I feel like I am going to wretch.
There is a damaged girl in my psyche snarling.
He has a daughter, and I'm scared she'll be like me. Feral towards the men in our family. Scanning their behavior just in case...
Just in case there is another sick bastard masquerading as someone who loves us.
Just in case we are close enough to stop it.
Just in case we are ready to go for the throat before another one of us is damaged for life.
I feel sick.