I have come to realize that not everything about me can be changed. I had hopes that I would one day be "healed"......I will never be healed. But I will be self-aware.
I have given up the notion that my brain will heal and go back to a pre-trauma state. I suppose it could happen if I continue down my road to recovery, but I can no longer "wait" to be "healed" before I start living life again. I have lost precious years of my life. I have blocks of my life that I do not remember, but I can not reverse time to undo my many mistakes, and I cannot change what has happened to me. If I were a Christian, the many emotions that I am currently facing would be prayed away, choked down, and avoided. Christianity teaches avoidance through submission, and slavery though self- depricating and self loathing beliefs. You must believe you are a sinner. Well..........I believed it. I believed it so well that I still believe it. I have not been able to forgive myself.
Last week we learned in support group an exercise that begins the road to self forgiveness. It starts with examining ones own part in a particular scenario, and taking ownership of it, but also saying, "that may be true, but I am worthy of forgiveness." This is incredibly hard for me. I do not fully buy into the notion that I am "forgiveable." But I do believe that from this day forward, from this moment forward, I can take baby steps, a moment at a time, and through self awareness, change my future.
So, self- awareness is the answer...a day at a time, a moment at a time. Living with self-awareness is the only thing I know how to do, now that I no longer pray to a god.