Reasons Why Richard Simmons Would Make a Better Christ Than Jesus

I'm not even kidding.


  • Richard Simmons is real; Jesus (specifically the biblical version)... not so much

  • Richard Simmons seems to accept people for who they are and show them genuine compassion; feel free to disagree, but Jesus always struck me as a condescending prick

  • Richard Simmons' message is about fitness and good health, not religion/ daddy issues

  • Richard Simmons' message makes its own profits from willing payers; Jesus' message is spread with the aid of fear, guilt trips, and tax exemptions

  • Richard Simmons himself actually recorded and clearly demonstrated his message in an unambiguous way; Jesus... not so much.

  • When I picture Richard Simmons, I picture a man full of life energy and joy; when I picture Jesus I picture a man beaten down and dying on the cross (sorry Jesus, but your PR firm sucks imo)

  • Dolfin shorts and Swarovski crystal tank tops? Hells yeah! That's the outfit of a man who knows who he is!

  • Richard Simmons has a great sense of humor

  • Jesus can walk on water, and that's pretty cool, but Richard Simmons can fly



    I rest my case. Richard Simmons ftw.

Views: 133

Comment by kris feenstra on October 16, 2010 at 7:22pm
there are probably millions of people in history who would make a better Jesus than the limited person described in the Bible.

That's the main point. That, and I got bored waiting for laundry to be done. Although, if an election for a new Christ is ever held, I am nominating Richard Simmons specifically. After all, Richard Simmons wants us to eat healthy; Jesus wants us to eat his flesh. Jesus leaves so many prayers unanswered; Richard Simmons goes to great lengths to respond to fan mail.

You would think that having just died his disciples could remember more about what he did.

Perhaps it was just a puff piece. Who knows what got cut?

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