A narrative essay by – Heather Spoonheim

It is now 6 P.M., May 21, 2011 in Kiribati (Time zone UTC +14:00) and the rapture has begun, according to imminently-debunked, eschatological-prophet Harold Camping. One must wonder when the failure of the faithful to evaporate will become conspicuous to those in the Camping camp. For those not sharing in the delusion propagated by this repeatedly prophetic pie-eyed piper, the real questions might be when the disciple himself will disappear and whether or not he is stuffing his bindle with bundles of donations at this very moment.

On the other hand, he may choose to stick around for one last hoot and holler as his devotees praise their messiah in a final grand hurrah before sending themselves into the great hereafter. Alternatively, he may not even be done with his milking and bilking for there may yet be money to be made before breaking out the Flavor Aid. Many a modern religion seems to be based on humiliating adherents and what could be more humiliating than failing to be faithful enough to be raked up by the rapture?

The failure of Camping devotees to sell their homes, liquidate their assets, and give themselves over completely to their master belies their doubt. Surely Camping could weave their mutual failures into some sort of second chance, a great revival, and a giant paycheque. By playing off the elusiveness of the rapture as a heavenly check-raise, Camping could cash-in like never before; but would his devotees push all their chips to the middle of the table? Only time will tell, and we have plenty of it - because the end of the world isn't arriving anytime soon.

Astoundingly, even though Camping has joined a long list of failed end-times prognosticators for a second time, he isn't the first to accomplish this feat - Benny Hinn is actually listed three times! Although Camping could easily match Benny by resetting his countdown timer, it is difficult to imagine the 89 year old will last long enough to have a fourth go at the apocalypse. Perhaps the old man can still secure himself a legacy in the extraordinarily audacious claims department by taking a stab at joining the long list of messiah claimants. It would be difficult for him to outperform David Icke, but then again, Mr. Icke has at least never humiliated anyone other than himself. The audacity displayed by Camping in turning his devotees out into the streets to spread his bullshit has surely got to be taken into account.

In closing, the final question that remains is: when will mankind evolve past the level of gullibility it takes to entertain the ravings of these self-deluded snake charmers?

Views: 37

Comment by Dan on May 21, 2011 at 1:12am
Let's try our own prophecy: what will be the most likely excuse in the morning when these oddly specific and absolute claims are refuted by the fact that no one disappeared?
Comment by Heather Spoonheim on May 21, 2011 at 1:17am
I'm going with plan C - he'll tell people the rupture didn't come because they didn't have enough faith and therefore need to send him more money.
Comment by Natalie on May 21, 2011 at 3:04am
I just read something about it being 6pm Eastern time. So wonder if he'll push it to pacific time when eastern doesn't happen.
Comment by Akshay Bist on May 21, 2011 at 3:12am
He predicted the rapture will happen in 1994 & even wrote a book about it. Later he said there had been some calculation errors. I'm guessing he'll stick to the same excuse.
Comment by Heather Spoonheim on May 21, 2011 at 3:23am
This one is supposed to use the 'rolling rapture' template - starting at 6 pm in timezone UTC+14 and working it's way around to this side of the globe just in time for the evening news in each country along the way; just in case he couldn't have done a better job of making himself out to be a fool on his own.
Comment by MikeLong on May 21, 2011 at 3:56am

Well, it's almost 8:00PM in Christchurch. Not even an aftershock here.

What IIIiii think is happening is that he's actually having a 1-on-1 with God himself. We know it's time for Jesus' arrival. What is yet to be revealed is that Camping is, in fact, the son of God. He and Dad have decided to put off Gathering souls just long enough to gather a bit more currency. We all need to get our revenge on those evil bankers by transferring our assets to the Bank of Jesus (c/o Harold Camping).

Comment by Heather Spoonheim on May 21, 2011 at 4:13am
Cool!  So he check-raises and as his raise he pushes a messiah claim onto the table.  That's brilliant!
Comment by Heather Spoonheim on May 21, 2011 at 7:12am
Thanks, Flower!  I'm sort of waiting to see if anything comes up on the news website this morning, LOL!
Comment by IEatDinosaurMeat on May 21, 2011 at 8:00am
I would like to point out that you had an excellent use of the word eschatological. It's a pretty esoteric word, and I thought only Xians knew it :P
Comment by Heather Spoonheim on May 21, 2011 at 8:02am
Even a blind squirrel finds a nut once in a while. :D

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