Post: The First

I live in Indiana, and have all my life, in a town no bigger than a postage stamp, but somehow has four churches. I have never attended church, and I have not read the Bible as a whole, despite efforts over the years. I was raised by a pair of people that didn't fit in with other people in the community, let alone belong together.

My mother is a self-proclaimed Christian. I still don't know what my father is, but I figure he is probably Atheist, Agnostic, maybe he is his own brand of hateful and nothing else. I wasn't taught religion because my mother was too frightened of my father, and I wasn't taught Atheism, because my father never thought I was smart enough to understand.

I remember as a small, thoughtful child, none of the religious concepts stuck. When my mother brought them up, it was more like a game of make-believe to me. As though she were saying 'We're going to pretend we're in the land of Oz, today. Then tomorrow God will make a rainbow and angels will guard you while you sleep and the Devil will stay far away.' This was only on a very fleeting occasion.

I played along for years until I just couldn't anymore. I explored Paganism and Wicca. I kept them a secret, which at 13 as an only child is incredibly easy, unless you are me. Of course I got caught and all Hell broke loose (pardon the pun). My parents were furious. Mom because she was left standing confused going 'But that stuff is make believe... I don't understand how you could even begin to consider that rubbish as real.' And my father was going ' Uhg, no. This is just as dumb as what your mother believes in. Just stop, stop it all.' So I got a lot of mixes signals. My friends had similar experiences, looking for their own answers. The problem was they felt make believe, too. Eventually I just said 'Why can't I just be honest and say I think all this is crap?' So that is what I did.

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Comment by Adam on March 24, 2013 at 9:31pm: Hey glad to see you are looking at the world from a more rational perspective. Why is your mother afraid of your father? Have you ever talked to your father about being a rational thinker or about what he thinks of organized religion and/or god? Perhaps your dad actually may agree with you. Sounds like you are still young and new to all of this. The way to go is take one small approach at a time and start to explore the world rationally and logically. Good luck on your journey

Comment by Unseen on March 24, 2013 at 10:53pm: This is a bit off-topic, Lydia, but I must say you are an unusually talented writer. Welcome to TA.

Comment by MikeLong on March 24, 2013 at 11:07pm: Great introduction. Welcome.

Comment by kOrsan on March 25, 2013 at 1:51am: I still don't know what my father is, but I figure he is probably Atheist, Agnostic, maybe he is his own brand of hateful and nothing else. I wasn't taught religion because my mother was too frightened of my father, and I wasn't taught Atheism, because my father never thought I was smart enough to understand.

Your dad sounds like a cool guy.

Comment by Unseen on March 25, 2013 at 10:38am: He sounds abusive to me. Being atheist doesn't redeem that flaw.

Comment by Dale Headley on March 25, 2013 at 7:47pm: You seem to be an intelligent young lady, Lydia. It IS all crap, Christianity, Paganism, Wicca - ALL of it. Just trust in your native intelligence and everything will work out just fine. My childhood was not unlike yours. I suspected by age 8 that it was all crap; but it wasn't till I was in my early 20's that I KNEW it was all crap. I trusted in the same thing that you seem to be relying upon: your awareness that you're just smarter than most people. I know I am.

Comment by Lydia Hickman on April 20, 2013 at 12:13am: Angela, I am very thankful for our life and times for that reason. Adam, I avoided talking to my father whenever possible. Unseen, thank you very much. I enjoy writing and believe that if we are to clearly convey our points of view, supporting clear communication is the first step. Mike, thanks! kOrsan, despite my accurate description, my father was rather cool in his own interests. And yes, he was abusive, mentally/emotionally. We have many things in common, making his rejection all the more difficult. Dale, thank you, I have cultivated a firm confidence in my own judgement and reasoning.