Ugh, so it's been an entire month of holiday garbage. From the passive aggressive nature of my family during their meal time prayers or my parents trying to shove their Catholic bullshit down my young son's throat.

I want to scream at them, but I don't. I keep the peace and don't respond to their faces how angry they make me. So here it is, every response I have kept in my head.

"No mom, I may not believe in Jesus but I still like celebration because it is time I get to spend with my family. If you haven't noticed everyone in your generation is in their 50's now and all but one of my grandparents are dead."

"Really Dad? None of us deserve presents because we don't go to church? I pulled your depressed alcoholic son out of his funk by moving him back to his familial support system. He has a job, a truck and is back in school because of what I manage to do with my life...but please, tell me how bad of a person you think I am."

"Oh my uncle found Jesus a week ago? Jesus told him it wasn't his time? What a miracle, because to me it seems like he's dying from three different infections after numerous invasive surgeries. Oh wait, lets talk about this in the lobby, because the doctor is here to remove his breathing tube."

"Mom, please tell me you are just pretending to be so ignorant as to compare homosexuality to pedophilia. One is consenting adults trying to have the basic human rights as everyone else, and the other is someone who lusts after and molests CHILDREN."

"No I will not be teaching this Catholic garbage to my son, because even though my childhood was mostly not miserable 100% of all of the most horrible things in my life are connected to this religious bullshit. From being molested by my grandfather and being told that his sins were washed away by some imaginary sky dad to the terrifying fear of hell that kept me in an abusive relationship for the better part of a decade. I also won't be baptizing my second child."

"No, I do not want to go to church with you, I am not confused, I am not angry at god, I am not lost. I am an atheist."

"Oh? The Jahovah witnesses are cruel for not believing in blood transfusions? Tell me again how you support the Pope's anti-condom stance in Africa? Oh! Because if you are only having sex with your spouse you won't spread AIDS? You do know that you are still putting someone you love at risk of catching fucking AIDS right? If you have kids they could have it, and then spread it to their spouses... but what the fuck do I know right?"

"No, not agnostic. Atheist."

Views: 367

Comment by kvnvk on January 19, 2013 at 7:52pm

Sorry to hear this is what family gatherings are like for you and apparently quite a few others.  They would probably be the same for me if I even bothered, but with working nights and not not being very social to begin with dealing with my extended, mostly catholic, family just has not been much of a priority for me the last two decades.  I did get to see a few aunts and uncles at my grandmother's funeral last January and a couple (from my father's side) started on me about how I should go to church with them.  I simply said it wasn't something I was interested in doing and preferred not to discuss the issue.

Comment by Sarah Jane Hall on January 20, 2013 at 1:39am

LOL really Strega.....if you were a Catholic wouldn't you be afraid to eat that for fear it was sacrilegious

Comment by James Cox on January 20, 2013 at 2:15am

"Here's a pic of the crucifix...."

I think I would have shared this with friends as sort of an atheist sacrement, but with a good brandy. Melting it over a nice icecream does come to mind also.

Would atheists ever make something like this, like something for Darwin's birthday? Little chocolate primates, with little chocolate stone knives. Seems rather tacky.... 

Comment by James Cox on January 20, 2013 at 9:37am

"Last year my friend told me that she and her husband survive the holidays with Christian culture family members by making a game out of it. They call it Bug-Me Bucks. It’s kind of like fantasy football and it’s kind of brilliant. "

I'll refer this over to my wife and OCCUPY friends. This could be a fund raiser idea, but I expect that it could be a disincentive to feel so unhappy with crazy people.

On christmas day,  I went to my mother's family gathering.  Lots of food, more stuff, and family I generally do not see. We where showing off the new kids, and one new husband. During this, the conversation went to 'gun control', 'killing animals is good', 'Obama bad', 'the world is mostly waste', 'ignorance as a growth industry', and 'letting your children beat each other up while playing, and if they cry or show blood, they are sissys. You will not play football if you cry son'. I had to lay down to reduce my dosing to the pile of crap, it was making me ill, along with the excess suger and fat! Telling Mom that I was leaving, and would call back latter, was a relief.

Mom calling back latter asking, 'are you ok?', 'yes Mom, but who were thoughs people, I can't relate to them at all, damn!' No wonder my wife can't tolerate it, Mom and I just put a presence in because of 'family'. If I say something to them, it would be an ugly scene...I think $43 is hardly enough compensation...LOL 

Comment by Strega on January 20, 2013 at 11:06am

@ Sarah - the crucifix and fish went to a Christian chocoholic, and that was the dilemma he was faced with :)  He so desperately wanted to eat the chocolate, yet there was that sacrilege issue for him.  It was the funniest "thank you" email I think I've seen.

Comment by Strega on January 21, 2013 at 9:25am

@Karl  You'd have thought so, wouldn't you?  At the very least, it is tasteless commercialism.  You should have seen my jaw drop when I found them.  I didn't know whether to laugh or cry!

The Jesus fish picture didn't come out as clear, because I was using my cellphone as a camera, but it has the fish shape, and then JESUS in raised chocolate lettering across it.

Comment by James Cox on January 21, 2013 at 7:27pm

Would it be ok to have a little tartar sauce with your meal?

You know, if the church would offer chocolate fish, in place of the rather tasteless cracker, say on Easter, I might show up more often for the circus..LOL. 

Comment by Strega on January 21, 2013 at 7:58pm

Ooh James, a perfect excuse for my next pictorial offering!

And yes, this one IS a spoof :)


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