|Ehud and Deborah
Judges 1:1 to 5:26
1:1 The Israelite tribes each were given their own territory to live in, but occasionally they continued to kill remaining Canaanites indiscriminately, or run them off their land, or tax them severely and cut off their kings' thumbs and big toes and such. Because so many of the Canaanites were still allowed to live and influence the Yahvist culture in positive ways, The Lord became smoking hot with anger. "No More Mr. Nice Guy!" was the Lord's new motto.
2:16 During this time period the Israelite tribes were ruled by a series of very strict Yahvistic judges, but the Israelites continued to flirt with other religions and cute Canaanite girls.
3:7 The Israelites were being just plain evil in the eyes of the Lord. Some of Israelites even still worshipped the old traditional gods and goddesses, like Asherah, which is Yahweh’s ex-wife.
3:15 A repetitive cycle developed whereby the Lord would first help the Israelites punish their enemies and then help the enemies punish the Israelites. This happened over and over again in a seemingly pointless effort, as though the Lord and the Israelites were co-dependents in a circle of domestic violence. One such punitive enemy of Israel used by the Lord was Eglon, the big fat king of Moab. Eglon was so fat, he had several smaller guys orbiting around him. The Lord allowed Eglon to conquer and subjugate the Israelites for a while.
One day the Lord decided that he was through using Eglon the big fat king of Moab to punish the Israelites. The current judge of Israel at that time was a left handed guy named Ehud. The honorable judge Ehud made himself a long dagger and hid it under his clothing on the right side. He gained a private audience with the big fat king by insisting that he had a secret message for him from the Lord, a message for his ears only. Something to do with eating less carbs maybe.
When they were alone, Ehud approached the king with an open right hand, showing that he carried no weapon. But then suddenly, AHA! The dagger was drawn from Ehud’s right thigh by Ehud’s left hand, Ehud being left handed and all. See what he did there? The honorable judge Ehud killed the big fat king of Moab by completely burying the dagger in his big fat belly. The massive belly fat rolled over the handle of the long blade so that the knife was completely buried and hidden inside the fat.
3:24 Ehud locked the door, escaped out the back, and ran off. Meanwhile king Eglon’s servants knocked on his chamber door and got no response, but assumed he was taking a shit and didn’t want to be disturbed. When they finally got up the gumption to break in, they found the big fat dead body, and Ehud was long gone.
3:28 Ehud immediately ran and rallied the Israelite troops to attack the Moabite troops at a pinch point, a popular ford of the Jordan River, and they killed about 10,000 Moabites give or take. The Israelites then conquered Moab and enjoyed about 80 years of peace, give or take.
3:31 After Ehud’s reign there was another judge in charge of the tribes named Shamgar son of Anath. The honorable "kung fu" judge Shamgar killed six hundred Philistines with one of those long sticks that are used to beat oxen.
4:1 As usual the Lord eventually sold out the Israelites to another Canaanite king. His name was Sisera and he had lots of high tech weapons like bad ass iron chariots. It's just hard to win a war any more without lots of bad ass iron chariots.
4:4 The next honorable judge to rule the Israelite confederacy was a woman named Deborah. She and a guy named Barak led a revolt against king Sisera and his fancy iron chariot army. But first Deborah belittled Barak for refusing to go to war against king Sisera unless she, a mere woman, came along to help.
The battle was going well for Debbie and Barak, and not going well for king Sisera. Towards the end of the battle Sisera found himself being rapidly surrounded so he bailed from his chariot and fled for his life on foot. He ran and hid out at his friend Heber’s place. Heber wasn’t home but Heber’s wife Jael invited him in and said "don’t be afraid your highness, I’ll hide you from those crazy rebels."
Jael gave Sisera some milk and cookies and then covered him up with a nice warm blanket so he could take a little nap. Before he fell asleep he asked Jael to please tell anyone who came by that no one was home but her. As he napped quietly, Jael snuck in, took careful aim with a tent spike, and drove it through his head with a well-aimed swing of a big hammer. Once again a powerful man was brought down by the treachery of a conniving woman.
5:1 After the glorious victory over Sisera, Deborah wrote a brand new song and taught it to the tribes. It's called...
"The Lord's Glory and Better Tribal Cooperation."
When the leaders all come forward,
And finally take the lead,
The Lord is strong, he’ll tag along,
And help to do the deed.
The mountains quake and shimmy,
And bow before a Lord,
Who has the grit, to swear and spit,
And bring along his sword.
You villagers in Israel,
Just stared at one another,
The greatest babe, since the days of Abe
Came along to be your mother.
God chose new leaders wisely,
When war was coming near,
But what the people did, was ran and hid,
And shunned both shield and spear.
Oh you who ride on donkeys,
Or walk along the road,
Should sing and croon, to Deborah’s tune,
And the Lord will share your load.
Wake up, oh mommy Deborah.
Wake up and sing a song.
So many sleep, like a bunch of sheep,
And refuse to sing along.
Now y'all can carry a tune,
And y'all can carry a grudge.
But you can't carry on, asleep past dawn,
Cuz look out, here come da judge.
Remember our blessed Jael,
The quick thinking wife,
With a blanket of silk, and a bottle of milk,
She said I’ll save your life.
Her right hand grabbed a hammer,
Her left hand grabbed a nail,
She pinned his head, to the rail of the bed,
And lived to tell the tale.
The Israelites lived in relative peace for the next forty years, give or take.
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