In my last blog, I updated that my life was settling down, and I would be back to contributing on my usual schedule.
I haven't lived up to that statement, and for that I apologize.
Life has become all at once much more relaxed, but much more frantic, too. I suppose that means that stress has just shifted into new areas of life.
In the last few months, we did manage to find our own place. It is beautiful and comforting and feels like a home. I moved from a graveyard job to an early-if-not-normal place of work, that affords free weekends and closes for holidays. It's much more pay, the people are lovely, and I'm good at it.
On the downside, it's also between two and three hours of commuting a day, and the days are anything from half an hour more, up to two hours, depending on work load. That means that sometimes during the week, there are five hours missing from my usual life. That's a lot for a 24 hour period.
Really, it isn't all bad. I'm just now starting to learn how vital it is to organize my existence. Weekends are spent batch cooking or doing prep work for five nights worth of dinner. Clothes get laid out the night before. It's a casual dress office, so I save half an hour a day by not having to put on make up. (My skin loves me for this!) and I'm finding little ways to cut precious minutes off of doing the things that don't make our lives better.
I'm still the only provider, but the stress of getting my husband's green card has worn away now that we've got the paperwork in order and all the money saved up. It is just a matter of reaching a few other personal goals before we send away for it.
All in all, it seems like I should be carving out a bit more time for my writing, -which I have.
Just not here.
Seriously, I'm struggling with some major guilt issues over that fact.
When I do post, it's curt and abrupt. The tone is impatient and sometimes rude. Reading back, even I can see that now. I'm sorry, dear community. I will endeavor to be nicer in the future. You are great people, and you deserve at least basic respect (with very few exceptions.) It's obvious that I need to get a hold of myself. The feeling of overwhelming frustration is starting to border on panic. TA has grown so rapidly that I know many of the other mods are starting to feel the strain of it all, too. We are working hard to find a way to keep the interface user friendly, less cluttered and more organized. In some ways, it is wonderful, because it is a testament to how much free thought and critical thinking is catching on in mainstream society.
On the other hand, we are starting to see lengthy discussions reposted by new members who might not have survived the old flame wars and troll bait, the controversial discussions that encompass battles of temper, emotions and passion.
I find myself worn out, tired and disappointed when such profound subjects are re-wrapped and plastered across the front page. It's like drinking nothing but tequila for three nights in a row. When you can taste it in your vomit, and smell it on your skin. It is that nausea, that intense wave of discomfort when you confront the very same brand and bottle a weekend in the future when someone offers you a shot.
I can't face it. I don't physically have the time, and that shames me. A lot of these topics are so integral to our lives, I hate to see them just sitting there, but I don't have the motivation to participate. It kills me a little, and makes me feel jaded. I think it also does a disservice to the topic in specific, because as they get posted again and again, other people that passionately participated in the first or second wave of discussion don't bother with the third or forth or fifth. That means that genuinely curious, enthusiastic new comers are missing out on huge swaths of intelligent ideas and conclusions. (You know, the whole reason most of us are here..) We are working on this issue, I assure you. All the mods are diligently thinking about our options within the frames of our website abilities.
But until it's hashed out, I'm probably going to be a more moody, sullen bitch than I like to be.
However, I have become aware of this behavior, and I will do my best to reign it in. I promise you that. I do apologize to anyone that I've bruised in the journey, though. Sincerely. I'm sorry.