I remember being 9 or 10, doubting during the Xmas service at church...asking God to give me a sign. I saw one bulb on the Xmas tree moving furiously back and forth. I got so excited to have my sign that God existed...until I saw the heating vent positioned directly to the side of that section of tree.

 

I remember visiting my aunt's church around the same age and attending Sunday school there. The lesson was on Judas betraying Jesus. On the worksheet, we were to circle the correct answers to the questions. The question was, "How did Judas betray Jesus?" a)with a kiss b)with a hug c)with a handshake. I, of course, circled with a kiss. When the teacher went through the answers and said Judas betrayed Jesus with a hug, I about peed my pants. I started to argue with her, and she and the rest of the class looked at me dumbfounded. She said "Jesus would never kiss another man."

 

I remember being 6 or 7 at an Easter service wondering how the hell Jesus dying on the cross would make God forgive our sins.

 

I remember being 15 when my 2 year old cousin drowned. I remember staring at my favorite picture of Jesus, carrying a black sheep, praying with all my heart for God to save her. I bargained, I threatened, I promised "If you let her live, I'll never doubt again." She died. I was shaken to my core, and I never regained my faith after that.

 

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Comment by Nathan Palo on June 9, 2011 at 12:34am

I never doubted the existence of God while I was a Christian. I took it quite seriously, and tried to pray on my own every night, but I never liked the church services, Sunday school, or family prayers. I was quite dedicated to my on personal prayers, but one night I forgot them. When I realized this, I made sure to rectify the mistake by telling God that if I ever forgot, he should just pretend that I hadn't. Then I stopped enumerating prayers, and just prayed for 'everyone who needed something to get what they needed.' Then I told God to just think of that prayer as running on a loop.

 

I always felt more of a 'connection' when I was on my own, especially out in nature. So I drifted away from Christianity in favor of a personal God of nature. I stayed like this for a couple of years, still going to church because my family wanted me to. I don't think they realized how little I cared for it.

 

It was a couple years still before I realized that all the natural beauty could be explained perfectly well without a god, and that I had no good reason to believe.

Comment by Raven on June 9, 2011 at 12:45am
I was the same. I wanted to fit in with my family and friends. I wanted to believe and kept thinking if I just waited I would get a sign. Never happened (duh!).
Comment by Cat on June 9, 2011 at 12:47am

Andrea,

 

Your post was riveting. You made me feel as if I was that little girl, wanting to believe God cared for and listened to me. Beautiful. Thank you.

 

 

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