Not too long ago I was lucky enough to bump into part time actor and full time Jesus freak, Kirk Cameron, at the Denver International Airport. Mr. Cameron was on his way home to southern California after a brief speaking engagement at a local 7-11. Knowing I would probably never meet Mr. Cameron again I asked if he would grant me a short interview as he waited to board his plane, which he graciously agreed to. The following is a transcript of our conversation as recorded on my iPhone.
ME: Tell me a little about your conversion to Christianity. How did it happen? When did it happen? Were you drinking at the time? And if so, was it a manly drink like Bourbon? Or are you more of a two umbrella, one curly straw, kind of guy?
Kirk: Well, I was only about 15 at the time, so alcohol wasn't a part of my life. Nor is it now, for that matter.
ME: Sorry to hear that. Please, continue.
KIRK: Anyway, I had it all. I was rich and famous. My image was on billboards and busses. Girls cut my picture out of "Teen Beat" magazine to hang on their walls. I had the life every kid at that age dreamed of.
ME: And this fame and fortune was because you played Jonathan Bower on the hit show "Who's the boss?"
KIRK: No. I played Mike Seaver on the award winning series "Growing Pains."
ME: Are you sure about that? Because I seem to remember you being on Who's the Boss.
KIRK: Yes, I'm fairly sure I know what show I was on.
ME: You said "fairly sure." Does that mean your not completely sure.
KIRK: No. I'm sure.
ME: Oh, now your sure?
KIRK: No, I was always sure. Anyway, the father of a girl that I liked was a minister, one day he took me aside and told me that even though I believed I had everything, I was missing the most important thing of all.
ME: A Segway?
KIRK: Jesus Christ.
ME: Oh, that was going to be my next guess.
KIRK: He asked that I accompany his daughter to church the following Sunday so that I could hear the gospel and experience its power first hand. He spoke about sin and how it takes hold of people when they are at their most vulnerable. And then he began to speak about Hell.
ME: Hell? Is that near Detroit?
KIRK: No. Hell is a horrendous place where the wicked are cast because they disobeyed the word of God.
ME: Which God?
KIRK: The one true God.
ME: Mbombo of Bakuba?
ME: How about Viracocha?
KIRK: No. Where are you getting these names from? I'm talking about the God of the bible and his only begotten son, Jesus Christ.
ME: Oh. Is he the one they stapled to a post?
ME: Okay, I've heard of him. Now, what were we talking about?
KIRK: I was recounting my conversion experience.
ME: You were? Well, that sounds boring, how about we move on to something else. Can you tell me a little about the Kung Fu show you do called "Way Of The Master?"
KIRK: Way Of The Master is not a Kung Fu show, its a new look at reality TV. Each program is a half-hour of myself and Ray Comfort teaching Christians how to share their faith effectively and inoffensively. We teach people how to speak with unsaved family and friends, and then go onto the streets and demonstrate how to do it. We share the gospel with teenagers, intellectuals, atheists, Muslims, Jews, cults, backsliders, and the self-righteous.
ME: So there's no Kung Fu?
KIRK: No, sorry.
ME: Have you thought about changing the name? Personally, when I hear the title, "Way of the master" I think of an old Asian man with a long white beard teaching Jackie Chan how to fight so he can rid the streets of crime and win the heart of his one true love.
KIRK: Well, I'm sorry but that is not what we do. And to be honest, that sounded a little racist to me.
ME: Which part?
KIRK: All of it.
ME: Okay, lets pretend I never said it.
KIRK: (inaudible grunt)
ME: So, tell me Mr. Cameron, who exactly is "Crocoduck" and why are people photoshopping you in bed with him?
KIRK: In bed?
ME: Yeah, there are numerous pictures of you engaging in odd sexual activities with this Crocoduck person.
KIRK: I'm a little taken aback here. I've never seen those pictures.
ME: Well, that's probably because I haven't uploaded them yet, but they should be up early next week. Now, who is Crocoduck and why has no one made a movie about him?
KIRK: Crocoduck is a hybrid animal proposed by Ray Comfort and myself that is used to demonstrate the ridiculousness of evolution. If evolution were true we should see a transitional form in the fossil record that is half duck, half crocodile, but no such species exists.
ME: I see.
KIRK: Ray and I have been asking evolutionary biologists around the world to show us a Crocoduck for several years now and we have yet to be taken seriously. To me, this smacks of a global conspiracy to remove the word of God from our classrooms and replace it with weak hypothesis and shaky evidence.
ME: So, because you haven't been shown the fossils of a hypothetical animal you conceived with your buddy, you are going to throw out all the findings of biology, genetics, chemistry, palaeontology, anthropology, and a dozen other branches of science?
ME: I have another idea. If evolution were true it would mean Adam and Eve were not actual living people. If Adam and Eve never existed, the whole concept of original sin would be nothing more than an elaborate invention by its authors. If there was no original sin, there would be no reason for God to put on a skin suit, change his name to Jesus, and come down from heaven to save us. So, if you accept the fact of evolution, it puts doubt in the very existence of Jesus Christ.
KIRK: That's interesting, but what your forgetting is that God himself inspired the writings of the bible, and the bible clearly states that God can not lie. So because of this we can be certain that everything in the bible is true and Adam and Eve were real people who existed exactly as described in Genesis.
ME: If I was high right now, that might have been a good point, but I'm not, so lets move on. I was recently on your website and I noticed that you offer 'Way Of The Master, Training Courses' for sale. Can you please tell me a little about what I could expect were I to order one of your courses. And try not to be so boring this time.
KIRK: Sure. Our course is specially formatted to train believers to simply and confidently share the gospel with family, friends, and strangers. We teach you to overcome your fears by using proven and effective ways to make the gospel make sense. You learn the forgotten biblical principal of bypassing the intellect and speaking directly to the conscience, as Jesus did, this way you can....
ME: Whoa, hold on there partner. Did you just say you teach people how to"bypass the intellect?"
KIRK: Yes. The intellect is the place of argument and the conscience is the place where the knowledge of right and wrong reside. We teach how to speak directly to your sense of right and wrong, which is where the knowledge of God resides.
ME: Your a silly man.
KIRK: Pardon me?
ME: I, uh, I said, your a super man. So, what would it cost me to purchase this twisted logic?
KIRK: Well, the kit is around 90 dollars, which includes DVD's, CD's, a 120 page study book, some quick reference guides, and a rubber mask of Ray Comfort for you to use when witnessing to people.
ME: And by "witnessing to people" you mean approaching strangers on the street and pestering them about Jesus?
KIRK: I'm not sure I'd use the word "pester."
ME: You should, it fits perfectly. Lets play a game. I'll be a stranger on the street and you 'witness' to me, so I can get an idea of how it is you annoy people. Ready? Go.
KIRK: Um, I'm not sure I want to do that. I should really be getting back to my terminal.
ME: Oh, pretty please. Hey, you might convert me and then we can hang out in Heaven together.
KIRK: Um, well, I guess I'd first ask you if you consider yourself a good person.
ME: Who me? No, I'm a dick. Next question.
KIRK: You don't really mean that.
ME: Sure I do, ask anyone. I'm a dick.
KIRK: Okay, um, I didn't really expect that response. Usually people consider themselves to be fairly good.
ME: Okay, I'll play along. I'm a good person.
KIRK: Super. Now let me ask you if you have ever told a lie.
ME: Sure, all the time. I told you I was a fan when we met.
KIRK: And what do you call someone that tells lies?
KIRK: No, what word would you use to describe someone that tells lies?
KIRK: No. The word I was thinking of was "liar."
ME: Oh, shoot. I wasn't even close.
KIRK: Next question. Have you ever stolen anything in your life?
ME: Hum, let me think......I've not purchased a roll of toilet paper in nearly two years because I take them from work. Does that count?
KIRK: Yes, that counts. And what word would you use to describe someone that steals?
ME: Yahoo! What did I win?
KIRK: No, no, no, you didn't win anything. This is just a series of questions I use to show people that no matter how good they think they are, they are actually sinful and need the guidance of Jesus in their life.
ME: So you approach total strangers on the street and try to get them to call themselves a thief and a liar?
ME: Your a bigger dick than me.
At this point, Mr. Cameron's plane began to board and he was forced to leave. All in all I think our talk went very well and I was thrilled to have met him. We had a great conversation that nobody will care about and I truly feel like I learned a lot about how not to act toward strangers on the street. He was generous with his time and very honest, except for that bullshit about not being on Who's The Boss.