My first post, discussion with my believer husband.

Yesterday I told my husband he does not look at both sides of issues.  He gives money to a group that "helps Christians who have been hurt by other people".  He gets requests for money for Christian Martyrs all over the World.  I told him there are Christians killing others, recently in Africa.  Our news  seems to never cover it if Christians are doing the looting and killing.  He told me they "are not true Christians".  I told him "the KKK say they are true Christians."  Some White Supremacists say they are true Christians.  I told him people in power will use religion to promote violence agains others so the people in power will gain money, land, crops, whatever.  My husband's voice became loud, he started to speed (we were in the car), He hit the dash board of the car with his hand and turned the Christian music on LOUD.  Little ole me put in ear buds and tried to listen to an atheist podcast to keep my mind calm because I get so upset I can not think to talk back to him.  I'm proud because this is one of the first time's I've mentioned to him that Christians also kill others.  I'm proud I was able to talk without hesitation.  I did not say too much.  I did not show anger, I continued to repeat my position.  There are two sides of issues.  He needs to read "other" articles than church recommended literature.  

Views: 280

Comment by Reg The Fronkey Farmer on June 21, 2015 at 3:18pm

That must have made for an interesting “are we there yet” moment in the car :-). It is worth bearing in mind that while you are trying to discuss religion on an intellectual level, the theist will generally respond at an emotional one. I debate many different types of theists, mainly Christians. I tend to ask them to keep explaining what they mean to me rather than telling them how I see it. A very basic Socratic Method approach I suppose. It is to get them to question what they believe themselves by encouraging them to start thinking more critically. One approach I use when the “debate” reaches a frustrated stalemate is to ask the theist to do me a favour:

Can you write down your Top 3 beliefs about your faith for me on a single sheet of paper and explain WHY you believe them (without saying “because the Bible says so”). Then suggest that you will dedicate time to fully understand them. This forces the theist into a process of critically thinking about their beliefs which they want to convince you of.  Let them know that if they spend quality time putting them down on paper that you will give them your complete and honest attention and then you can both discuss them together. I have often witnessed the theist “de-convert” themselves by doing this. Because they really want to convince you with their arguments they must first analyse their own convictions. Try it and see as it is non-confrontational.

Comment by Judi S. on June 21, 2015 at 3:56pm
Thanks Reg, I needed your comment. It helps me see it differently. Like you said discussing religion at two different levels.
I am too emotional, I can barely talk about it.
Comment by Ed on June 21, 2015 at 7:02pm

Is your husband aware of your atheistic viewpoint? If not, you have to ask yourself if you're being honest with him about your atheism might jeopardize the stability of your relationship. If you feel he spends an inordinate amount of time devoted to his church are you willing to let this continue? There are others whom you can reach out to for advice. You're not alone, remember that.

Comment by Judi S. on June 21, 2015 at 8:33pm
No, my husband is not aware of my atheistic view point. I am not honest because he has anger and I "clam up" and can not communicate well when he is angry. Yes, he is a church elder and gives money, time and effort to church. I believe he puts church before family. He will continue without caring about my thoughts. Early in our marriage we were partners in decision making. He is now programmed with church doctrine. My goal is to come out of the closet to friends and him. My daughter, daughter-in-law and sister know. My daughter loves and supports me but is married to a believer, they live in The Bible Belt.
Thanks for your response.
Comment by Marianne on June 21, 2015 at 10:08pm
It's not civil to act or like that, and getting emotional when driving is highly dangerous as he is putting you and others at great risk..
Do you have mixed economy? If so, it looks to me like he is diverting your money away from you. It's a kind of betrayal in my view.

Do you fear for your health when he gets angry?
I could be wrong but I smell emotional abuse. Should you put up with it? I think you know the answer to that. I guess the important question is, do you feel happy and content despite his character flaws? Also, do you feel you are being true to your self?
Comment by Marianne on June 21, 2015 at 10:10pm
Also, I should add that I don't require an answer, I just want to be here and help sort through questions. Talking with someone helps. Just know you can find us for support.
Comment by Judi S. on June 22, 2015 at 12:28am
Thanks Marianne. I appreciate your responses. I have to think a bit.
Comment by Becky Long on June 22, 2015 at 2:45am

I no longer attempt any kind of deep discussion regarding religion or my lack thereof with my husband.  He doesn't explode over it.  Instead he withdraws and stops talking altogether.  Occasionally, he says things like, "Heaven is going to be so lonely without you."  *sigh*

Comment by Davis Goodman on June 22, 2015 at 5:26am

It shows how easily we can live in a sacred bubble never having our delusinos challenged. It also shows you how fragile and mostly empty people's faith really is. If you have no doubt about the truth of your truly wouldn't mind if people claim the certainly wouldn't get angry to the point of speeding a car putting both people in danger or showing the first signs of violence. If after repeated attempts to get my partner to listen and discuss and have a dialogue ended up with shutting down and ignoring me...then I do the very same myself. I refuse to listen to a single word of their faith and tell them to stop (absolutely everything). Even when they say grace I will leave the room. It's amazing how quickly they suddenly want to have a dialogue.

Comment by Judi S. on June 22, 2015 at 5:13pm

I am  deeply grateful for your messages.  I've been looking for a Secular Counselor and they are not easy to find where I live.  Your messages help me step out of the situation a little and examine behaviors differently.  I started to blog to really keep track of my thoughts, try to gather the truth I need to face.  Thanks for each of you.  Davis, your comment about fragile faith, is helpful.  I don't care if other people don't believe as I do, however, it would be great to have someone understand my feelings and thoughts.  


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