Dear Anyone and Everyone,
I cannot stand this any longer. For many years now I have lied to myself, as well as to all of you. (Well....most of you...) I've been lying to myself about how I feel, even going so far to take an acting class not for enjoyment, but to better hide my true thoughts and feelings. No, I'm not gay, keep your pants on. But ever since I first met many of my friends, I have held my hands clasped and my lips shut.
I am an atheist.
Woah, shocker, right? Well, only a select few people noticed. Over the years, I've held my hands clasped in prayer to a God that I never felt existed. I was too afraid to like science because whenever I paid attention in that class, I became confused about my faith. All anyone told me was "Pray harder," or "Read the Bible". Of course, nothing helped. It wasn't until I met Andy that he told me NOT to become an atheist, but to look at the facts. I've studied all religions in my year of research, and I've decided that atheism is the only way that holds all the answers. "Goddidit" no longer satisfies me.
If anyone who knew me as a Christian noticed, I constantly asked for a re-evaluation of my faith, I've asked for more proof, more evidence, more guidance. My facade of the eager little Christian girl fooled you all into thinking I was stable in my faith, but I never was the little girl I let you see. I let no one see that I cried at night for fear of going to hell. I prayed, but never felt. I searched for answers, asked Christians for advice, but it wasn't until I asked a secular columnist who told me that perhaps my faith was forced. And for those of you who will only try to save me by praying for me, Faith is not FORCED. And I refuse to give up and bow down to a god I do not feel exists. I won't get all science-debate like, but I do not hate anyone who believes differently from me.
I only hate those who have forced their faith upon me. The one time I ever began to think for myself, I was refused the right to because "The Merciful God will SMITE" me for doing so. Once I realized that "Merciful God" is an oxymoron when it comes to freedom of religion or lack thereof, I found that I am happier without a god. I also have found that I am a more stable person, choosing to accept what comes to me without the crutch of a diety to fall back on. I do not mean to be offensive, but I can stand back and accept offense no longer.
I will not apologize. Why should I apologize for finally being true enough to myself to tell everyone? I was not saved BY Jesus, but FROM Jesus.
That's why I never returned to church.
That's why I never returned to youth group.
That's why you never see me anymore.
Because I am atheist, and I refuse to hide any longer.
You may disagree, but that is why I am writing this note. To be free from my persecuted lack-of-church.
Thank you for your time.