My (brief) De-conversion Story.
My entire life I belonged to a church; even as an infant the indoctrination had begun. For the first 22 years of my life, I missed scarcely over 2 dozen church services. I attended youth functions, summer camps, and other various church activities. I grew up in a small town surrounded by family and friends who were all believers to varying degree's. In school I had heard evolution mentioned once, maybe twice and even then it was only a mention without explanation. Through the years I had a few doubts here and there, but somebody always had an "answer" to my questions, so they were quickly extinguished.
The older I got, the more radical I became. I believed in and practiced healing the sick, speaking in tongues, extreme casting e evangelizing, and even out evil spirits. By my senior year of high school I knew that I wanted to learn to work with the youth, and maybe even get a job with Focus on the Family. I went into college, and quickly became a member of an extremely active religious group on campus. I was lucky to find a free night where there wasn't anything going on to further myself in my faith and spread the word of god. We would walk around campus with religious shirts, bibles in hand, and talk to those who would listen, and give religious pamphlets to those who wouldn't. At one point we had constructed a massive wooden cross and every thursday night we would stand at the exit of the most popular campus bar and witness to those leaving after last call. (We came pretty close to getting really hurt a few times too.) I was extremely conservative, was holding on to my virginity till marriage, was going to have one life long wife with several kids, wouldn't swear, didn't use any drugs or alcohol, and avoided things that seemed "worldly". I spent my free time reading up on ways to defend my faith against the "evil" unbelievers and sadly, I must admit I even bought into some of the Kent Hovind and Ray Comfort bullshit.
I was going to be a believer for life. Nothing could kill my faith...... nothing except higher education. For the first year and a half to two years, I was becoming stronger and stronger in my faith. I had a few professors who had expressed their disbelief in religion, but then I took a basic biology course and a basic philosophy course. I had to learn about real evolution and learn about other belief systems or else fail and the things I discovered turned my faith upside down. I began to privately question all I had believed to be true my entire life. I didn't know what to do, the questions were killing me inside. I ended up becoming severely depressed over the entire ordeal because I couldn't figure out how to justify what I was learning with what I had always thought to be true. I sought the help and advice of religious leaders, friends, and reading material. These things still didn't seem to make sense, so I decided I needed to honestly question all I believe and see what others believe, what science shows, and then make a decision.
My searching went on for a couple of years and I had come to the conclusion I was unsure (agnostic is you will), yet still I kept the facade of the strong believer up to avoid confrontation with family and friends. Finally about a year and a half ago I started at my current job where I met one of the most genuine and smartest people I had seen in years. I was shocked to find eventually that he was an atheist. He and I had many discussions over the first six or so months. He then advised me to read "The God Delusion" by Richard Dawkins and he also told me of various other resources that he recommended. By the end of that book, I knew that I could no longer believe in a mythical superstition. The most freeing moment of my life occurred in mid January of 2009. I became an atheist and finally my life was my own again. It was the most freeing feeling I had ever felt.
Since that time a day has not gone by where I haven't spent time searching the internet and library for more knowledge and more resources on evolution, atheism, and the refutation of religion and the supernatural. I have also slowly been "coming out" to family and friends, but it is a really hard thing to do. I am alone in a see of religion where I live. I hope that I will one day be able to truly be open to everyone about my atheism. Then I will be fully free and finally at peace.
The older I got, the more radical I became. I believed in and practiced healing the sick, speaking in tongues, extreme casting e evangelizing, and even out evil spirits. By my senior year of high school I knew that I wanted to learn to work with the youth, and maybe even get a job with Focus on the Family. I went into college, and quickly became a member of an extremely active religious group on campus. I was lucky to find a free night where there wasn't anything going on to further myself in my faith and spread the word of god. We would walk around campus with religious shirts, bibles in hand, and talk to those who would listen, and give religious pamphlets to those who wouldn't. At one point we had constructed a massive wooden cross and every thursday night we would stand at the exit of the most popular campus bar and witness to those leaving after last call. (We came pretty close to getting really hurt a few times too.) I was extremely conservative, was holding on to my virginity till marriage, was going to have one life long wife with several kids, wouldn't swear, didn't use any drugs or alcohol, and avoided things that seemed "worldly". I spent my free time reading up on ways to defend my faith against the "evil" unbelievers and sadly, I must admit I even bought into some of the Kent Hovind and Ray Comfort bullshit.
I was going to be a believer for life. Nothing could kill my faith...... nothing except higher education. For the first year and a half to two years, I was becoming stronger and stronger in my faith. I had a few professors who had expressed their disbelief in religion, but then I took a basic biology course and a basic philosophy course. I had to learn about real evolution and learn about other belief systems or else fail and the things I discovered turned my faith upside down. I began to privately question all I had believed to be true my entire life. I didn't know what to do, the questions were killing me inside. I ended up becoming severely depressed over the entire ordeal because I couldn't figure out how to justify what I was learning with what I had always thought to be true. I sought the help and advice of religious leaders, friends, and reading material. These things still didn't seem to make sense, so I decided I needed to honestly question all I believe and see what others believe, what science shows, and then make a decision.
My searching went on for a couple of years and I had come to the conclusion I was unsure (agnostic is you will), yet still I kept the facade of the strong believer up to avoid confrontation with family and friends. Finally about a year and a half ago I started at my current job where I met one of the most genuine and smartest people I had seen in years. I was shocked to find eventually that he was an atheist. He and I had many discussions over the first six or so months. He then advised me to read "The God Delusion" by Richard Dawkins and he also told me of various other resources that he recommended. By the end of that book, I knew that I could no longer believe in a mythical superstition. The most freeing moment of my life occurred in mid January of 2009. I became an atheist and finally my life was my own again. It was the most freeing feeling I had ever felt.
Since that time a day has not gone by where I haven't spent time searching the internet and library for more knowledge and more resources on evolution, atheism, and the refutation of religion and the supernatural. I have also slowly been "coming out" to family and friends, but it is a really hard thing to do. I am alone in a see of religion where I live. I hope that I will one day be able to truly be open to everyone about my atheism. Then I will be fully free and finally at peace.
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Comment by Apple on January 5, 2010 at 11:15am -
Thank you for the intersting story. Interestingly enough, your religious vigor is exactly what helped you become an atheist. I say this because it seemed like you were on an actual quest for truth and trying to "live by the bible" the best that you could. It also seems to me like you lacked faith. Sure, at the time you would have thought that you had faith in God, but ultimately you believed what you did because you thought it to be the truth. In your active search to verify this truth you found overwhelming evidence to the contrary. This brought you to question things you have been taught since birth and even completely change your view. This is because you are a critcal thinker.
People can be highly educated but if they do not apply their critical thinking skills to all facets of their life, including religion then they are not true critical thinkers. I believe that the majority of religious people, especially casual christians are absolutely not on a quest for religious truth. They do the exact opposite of what you did. They compartmentalize their faith. There is the real world that actually matters, and all of their time and energy is focused on that. Then there is the church, which is more of a social function, and consoles people when family members die, etc. Religion offers a false sense of hope that they do not want to let go of. They are afraid to question.
One question for you about this:
"I decided I needed to honestly question all I believe and see what others believe, what science shows, and then make a decision"
At this point, when you spoke to friends and family, priests or pastors about the problem would they ever say anything along the lines of "Anything that brings your faith into question is Satan trying to tempt you away from Christ." This is a classic tactic that can be effective on those who have been indoctrinated since birth. I'm wondering if this is a hurdle that you had to overcome.
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Comment by a7 on January 5, 2010 at 7:06pm -
hello to the side of light man.
take care
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Comment by Mr Good Without God on January 5, 2010 at 9:19pm -
Apple,
I disagree with your statement that I didn't have "faith". I guess it is dependent on your definition of the term. If you were to use the definition of christian faith as stated on wikipedia.com, it would be:
Faith in Christianity is based in and on the work and teaching of Jesus Christ. In this way Christianity declares not to be distinguished by its faith, but by the object of its faith. Faith is an act of trust or reliance. Rather than being passive, faith leads to an active life of obedience to the one being trusted. It sees the mystery of God and his grace and seeks to know and become obedient to God. To Christians faith is not static but causes one to learn more of God and grow, it has its origin in God.. In Christianity faith causes change as it seeks a greater understanding of God. Faith is not fideism or simple obedience to a set of rules or statements. Before the Christian has faith, he must understand in whom and in what he has faith. Without understanding, there cannot be true faith and that understanding is built on the foundation of the community of believers, the scriptures and traditions and on the personal experiences of the believer. In the New Testament, the word faith is derived from the Greek word πίστις - pistis or from the verb πιστεύω - pisteuo, meaning to trust, to have confidence, faithfulness, to be reliable, to assure.
I believe I was full of faith by this definition. I also wanted others to believe as I did and decided I needed to learn every possible method of converting them over. So I began to then research and learn. I do agree that my curiosity and fervor for knowledge led to my eventual de-conversion though.
As for your question, That was brought up by some of them, others believed I was misinterpreting things, or they couldn't understand why I was questioning so had little to offer. It did bother me a bit. When I told my one Pastor about my doubts due to the evidence for an old Earth and evolution, He said that he believes when God made man, he didn't make him as an infant, but older. If you would have met Adam, you would have believed him to have been around for some 20 - 30 years, but he would have been just 1 second old. He said the same could then be implied about the other creation. If you had stumbled upon creation just 1 second after it had been completed, then it would appear to have been around for millions of years, but would in reality be only a second old.
That explanation held me to my faith for a year or two, but never really felt right. It left a lot unanswered.
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Comment by Mr Good Without God on January 5, 2010 at 9:19pm
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a7,
Thanks man and thanks for the inspiration.
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Comment by Audio on January 6, 2010 at 10:57pm -
this is an amazing story about your extraordinary transition, glad I read it, and glad you have decided to follow your rational instincts rather than what society tells you to believe. I wish I could read more stories like this because they make me so happy that people are starting to think. Bravo sir, and always keep striving to learn more and more!
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