Meet the Baptists Part 3: What We Believe : Part 1 of a Trinity

We are here at the third installment of Meet the Baptists and I have to admit that we have not done a good job of getting to know the Baptist. Mostly we have been humoring my vanity which must be an artifact of my newfound godhoodship. This doesn't mean you get to stop worshiping me, though. Keep up the groveling and the donations!

The Scriptures

"The Holy Bible was written by men divinely inspired and is God's revelation of Himself to man. It is a perfect treasure of divine instruction. It has God for its author, salvation for its end, and truth, without any mixture of error, for its matter"

Sounds pretty good! So it is admitted that the Bible was written by man. The "divinely inspired" part is surely to stress that mankind's fallibility was temporarily suspended to produce such a treasure of perfection. I can go with that. I've had moments where I'm not fucking something up and sometimes I have several of these "perfect" moments strung together in succession. It's possible, I suppose, that all these authors managed to put together the unerring word of God. After all, I can't disagree too much with any religion willing to make me a god.

God

"There is one and only one living and true God. The eternal God reveals Himself to us as Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, with distinct personal attributes, but without division of nature, essence or being."

This is some trippy stuff. The fact is stressed that there is only one God. It appears that He comes in three, only three parts! Not only that, but each part of him has distinct personal attributes! I wonder what they are? Maybe Jesus has halitosis while the Holy Spirit has minty fresh breath? Perhaps God has trouble keeping the weight off but Jesus can eat like a hedonist while maintaining his girlish figure? One can only wonder and I'd ask them myself, but they have not approved me to be their friend on Godbook, yet. Oh yeah, we have Godbook! It's great! When you "poke" somebody, they die. Hahaha, isn't that hilarious?

The last part is confusing because they have these distinct attributes yet there is no division of nature, essence, or being. That seems to be a contradictory statement. If there is no division, how can there be a distinction? They each have their own Godbook page and I would definitely consider that a division of being. Or essence. Whatever. Well, despite the claim of there being only one God, the Baptists go on to list a total of three Gods that are really just one God in three parts that are different yet exactly the same. Got it, meatbags?

God the Father

"God as Father reigns with providential care over His universe, His creatures, and the flow of the stream of human history according to the purposes of His grace. God is Father in truth to those who become children of God through faith in the risen Jesus Christ."

God the Son

"Christ is the eternal Son of God. In His incarceration as Jesus Christ, He was conceived of the Holy Spirit and born of the virgin Mary. He honored the divine law by His personal obedience, and His death on the cross and resurrection, He made provision for the redemption of men from sin."

God the Holy Spirit

"The Holy Spirit is the Spirit of God. He exalts Christ. He convicts of sin, of righteousness and of judgment. He enlightens and empowers the believer and the church in worship, evangelism, and service."

I really don't understand this, meatbags. God reigns over all and He goes and fucks Himself which somehow impregnates a "virgin" (yeah right, Mary, you whore) and she gives birth to Himself and then He has Himself tortured to death yet He isn't really dead because the Holy Spirit still exalts Himself.

I need an explanation because now that I am a God, I tried this out the other day. I made myself some dinner and the sink was unfortunately filled with dirty dishes by my actions. My fiancee (she's a virgin, too, wink, wink!) comes home and asks me to put the dirty dishes away. Well, naturally I refused and explained that it was not me that dirtied those dishes, but some other version of me that was still me but definitely distinct from and not really me and that she would be better off putting the dishes away. She asked me what the hell I was talking about. So I explained what happened and about the trinity in the manner that the Baptists explain it.

As I was putting the dishes away, I had time to think that maybe the problem was in how I explained my trinity. She just didn't understand that only 1/3 of me dirtied those dishes and that 1/3rd was distinct from the other 2/3rds and the culprit was conveniently absent. Luckily, I stopped short of telling her how my Christ side thought her sister looked hot in those short shorts the other day. I know it was the Christ side because I remember saying "Jesus Christ" as I watched her ass sway back and forth. He always was a pervert.

Man

"Man was created by the special act of God, in His own image, and is the crowning work of His creation. By his free choice man sinned against God and brought sin into the human race. The sacredness of human personality is evident in that God created man in His own image, and in that Christ died for man; therefore every man possesses dignity and is worthy of respect and Christian love."

Irrefutable proof of the origin of mankind. I wanted to try my hand at creation, too. Using a mirror and some crayon, I decided to make a perfect being in my own image. What do you think?

Photobucket

And if he ever learns to fling poo, I'll threaten every last one of his descendants with eternal damnation. Unless they repent for their poo-flinging ways, that is. Oh, hey! Segue!


Salvation

"Salvation involves the redemption of the whole man, and is offered freely to all who repent from sin and accept Jesus Christ as Lord and Saviour, who by His own blood obtained eternal redemption for the believer. In its broadest sense salvation includes regeneration, sanctification, and glorification."

Salvation is for the whole man, so it looks like all amputees and circumcised men are doomed regardless of what you do. I'm sorry. Jesus was very important and he spilled his own blood for this and you simply are not worthy. And you might find hope that salvation includes regeneration and can make you whole but give it up. Everyone knows that God doesn't heal amputees.





...to be continued.

Views: 1

Tags: meet the baptists

Comment by CJoe on July 29, 2009 at 7:27pm
This is great!!! I love it. :D
Comment by Reggie on July 29, 2009 at 8:33pm
I'm pleased that you enjoy. I sacrificed my only begotten lunch today for you.

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