Meet the Baptists Part 2: 3 Things God Cannot Do

I've renounced my atheism. I know many atheists find it perplexing when a fellow atheist abandons his or her lack of faith, but it was quite simple for me. As I studied the Baptist religion during this series, I discovered that Jesus can wipe away all my sins. Furthermore, the Baptists say that only God is without sin. I asked Jesus to wipe away my sins making me without sin which propelled me into Godhood. Since I believe in me, I can no longer call myself an atheist and I thought you all should know. "But Reggie, what about man's sinful nature? Surely you'll sin again and become mortal once more," you might say. Well, I admit, I was concerned that may happen. However, since morality is prescribed by God and I am God, it was only a matter of time before I realized that I am incapable of sin! That's right, everything I do is okay and I retain my sinless stature. While you all are still forbidden to kill, I can kill anyone and everyone with impunity and it is not a sin due to my Godly nature. It's so brilliant, only a God could have thought it up!

So, with that confession out of the way, let's delve further into learning about my chosen people who helped me attain my Godship; the Baptists! And look at this? They want to talk about me!

3 Things that I cannot do. I'm looking forward to discovering the limits to my power!

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I can't lie, I can't change, and I can't let sinners go unpunished! Which means I must punish you all. You are all sinners and must be punished. Perhaps I'll hurl you into a lake of fire? Yes, that sounds like a decent punishment for something like lust or lying. Infinite punishment for finite crimes? I like! Oh yeah, even small crimes like white lies count. Remember when you told your wife she looked great when you didn't think she did? Sure you spared her feelings, a noble cause I'm sure, but you committed yourself for a swim in a fiery lake! I can not abide by your sin of not telling your wife what a fat sow you think she has become. You should have reduced her to tears with the truth while ignoring your belly that has grown over the years to rival a very pregnant woman.

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Oh wait! Turns out that there is a loophole!

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The dilemma is that I love you all and many of you love me back. However, I am bound by my godly nature to punish you wicked folks. This may seem confusing, but bear with me as I explain it to you mere mortals in terms you may grasp with your puny minds. Basically you all fall short of my glory and even though I created you, I must punish you as if you are accountable for your nature that I gave you because of free will. A good analogy is that I created you to be starving and crave food. Then I set a steak dinner with all the trimmings in front of you and forbid you to eat it. Hahaha! Boy, do I get a kick out of your misery. And by kick I mean "love". But wait, there's more! My love is so damn transcendent that I impregnated some poor schlep's virgin wife so that she may bear my son that I would later have tortured and killed. You like? I thought you would. His death absolves you of your sins but you still are filled with sin and must be punished. Also, he's not really dead. Got it? Does that make sense? If it doesn't, then it is simply your wicked nature that has confused you. If this is the case, then you need to be saved still. Read on!

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Jesus is like the doorman to Club God. No one enters the club but through Jesus and he doesn't like your kind in his Dad's club. But there is hope yet of partying eternity away in Club God. You need to flatter the hell out of Jesus the Doorman. He may be a jerk, but he feels pretty special having the power that a doorman wields. Admit that he rocks and truly surrender to the belief that he really is the coolest son of a God there is and he may just let you in to bask in the glow of God's disco ball lights. Just beware of the bad acid going around!

I hope this all helps you grow closer to God/Me.

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Tags: meet the baptists

Comment by Matthew on July 27, 2009 at 11:24am
This post is funny, but I have a small bone to pick. You said.....

"However, since morality is prescribed by God and I am God, it was only a matter of time before I realized that I am incapable of sin! That's right, everything I do is okay and I retain my sinless stature. While you all are still forbidden to kill, I can kill anyone and everyone with impunity and it is not a sin due to my Godly nature. It's so brilliant, only a God could have thought it up!"

I have to say I disagree with you, Reggie. And here's why, this same logic was used by non-gods....

Nixon said: "If the President Does It, That Means It’s Not Illegal"
OR
In response to the question, "If the president during war decides to do something to protect the country, is it legal?," DICK Cheney responded, "General proposition, I’d say yes."

Nixon and Bush/Cheney aren't gods, so far as I'm aware. But wait! Are you proposing that the president of the USA may, in fact, be a god? Oh my. Perhaps we're onto something. We'd better keep this quiet for a while until we can be sure.

In the meantime, I'd like to request that you, Reggie, in all of your godhood, give me the strength and ability to research such topics and keep me safe from the evil that is bound to reveal itself when researching or even thinking about these two administrations. Amen.
Comment by Reggie on July 27, 2009 at 12:33pm
Nixon and Bush/Cheney aren't gods, so far as I'm aware.

Well, I'm not supposed to say anything, but Nixon and Cheney are demi-gods. A lot of people named "Dick" are. It's in my "Welcome to Godhood" manual, page 23.

Your prayer request is accepted. If for some reason you feel that it isn't being fulfilled, it's because of your sinning ways and you just need to repent and pray harder.

Thanks!
Comment by Wassabi on July 28, 2009 at 10:39am
"I impregnated some poor schlep's virgin wife"....

i've always wondered whether it was consensual... because fact is, she was raped...
Comment by Reggie on July 28, 2009 at 10:45am
Yonny, are you suggesting that Mary wanted it? Well, that would explain her cries of "oh God! Fuck me! Fuck me! Oh God!"

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