Meet the Baptists! Part 1: Are You A Good Person?
Earlier this year I went to a wedding outside of Kansas City, Missouri. It was a Hell and Brimstone Baptist Church and their literature was nothing short of amazing! So I helped myself to everything they had to offer and now I want to share it with my fellow atheists. So join me in this series of posts as we get to know the Baptists together. I only ask that former (or current) Baptists do not post spoilers. We don't want to know how it ends. Personally, I think the devil will win and there will be peace on Earth.
Part 1: Are You a Good Person?
It is a great question. I have only spent a few hours in jail one time and I think people around me seem to find me an affable sort of fellow good for having a beer with. So I would answer that in the affirmative. I think I am a good person. How do you, dear reader, feel? Are you a good person? Well, we may all be biased by our vanity. Let's take a more objective route by taking the Baptist test! And no peeking ahead!
Here are my answers:
1) Yes 2)Yes 3)Yes 4)Yes 5) Yes 6)Yes 7) Yes! 8)Yes 9)Yes 10)Yes
Well, that was easy! All yeses. So I am not a liar or a cheat! Let's go to the next page to see how rocking awesome I am!
Oh boy. :( This is not good. It is a foregone conclusion, it seems, that we are all wicked creatures in the Baptist religion. I wonder if all my friends know how wicked I am and only humor me with their kindness and companionship? At least I'm neither Jewish or Greek. They must have really pissed off the big guy to get mentioned specifically.
And we are guilty of all sins if we are guilty of one? I didn't lie or cheat on this test, but I have lied and cheated in my life. Does that mean even when I am honest, I am still a liar? This would certainly make one deserving of death and eternal torture in the pits of Hell, according to the Baptists.
But not to worry. We have an out. Jesus may have thrown us overboard into the roiling seas, but He will also throw us a life jacket if only we repent for our transgressions and bestow flattery upon His perfect Self. I'm sorry I lied on the test I didn't actually lie on but since I lied once I am a liar for all times, Jesus, amen!
Whew! So my sins have been wiped clean and I am no longer a sinner. But wait, they say that all are sinful except God. But if my sins are wiped away and I am without sin at the moment...Oh. My. Me! I'm God! Wow. This is fracking awesome! I'm a God! Well, let me finish this segment before I go explore my new powers.
Hmm, I tried to straighten this picture out with my God powers, but I haven't figured out how they work. Yet. Okay, how to be saved? We can see that you all fall short of my glory. It's okay, don't feel too bad. I used to be like you once. Boy, those were the days!
Well, now it says that Jesus is the only true God. My name isn't Jesus, though. Hmm.
It looks like you have to pray to God and confess your sins. I'll check around and see if it is Jesus or Reggie that you need to pray to, but until I get back to you, please send your tithes to me if you want to continue to walk a righteous path. You can split prayers and flattery between Jesus and I to cover your bases. Until then, stay tuned until the next Part of my series Meet the Baptists! Part 2 will be very transcendent with my new God powers...once I figure out how they work.
Thanks, and Me Bless!
Special thanks to Forest Grove Baptist Church.
Part 1: Are You a Good Person?
It is a great question. I have only spent a few hours in jail one time and I think people around me seem to find me an affable sort of fellow good for having a beer with. So I would answer that in the affirmative. I think I am a good person. How do you, dear reader, feel? Are you a good person? Well, we may all be biased by our vanity. Let's take a more objective route by taking the Baptist test! And no peeking ahead!
Here are my answers:
1) Yes 2)Yes 3)Yes 4)Yes 5) Yes 6)Yes 7) Yes! 8)Yes 9)Yes 10)Yes
Well, that was easy! All yeses. So I am not a liar or a cheat! Let's go to the next page to see how rocking awesome I am!
Oh boy. :( This is not good. It is a foregone conclusion, it seems, that we are all wicked creatures in the Baptist religion. I wonder if all my friends know how wicked I am and only humor me with their kindness and companionship? At least I'm neither Jewish or Greek. They must have really pissed off the big guy to get mentioned specifically.
And we are guilty of all sins if we are guilty of one? I didn't lie or cheat on this test, but I have lied and cheated in my life. Does that mean even when I am honest, I am still a liar? This would certainly make one deserving of death and eternal torture in the pits of Hell, according to the Baptists.
But not to worry. We have an out. Jesus may have thrown us overboard into the roiling seas, but He will also throw us a life jacket if only we repent for our transgressions and bestow flattery upon His perfect Self. I'm sorry I lied on the test I didn't actually lie on but since I lied once I am a liar for all times, Jesus, amen!
Whew! So my sins have been wiped clean and I am no longer a sinner. But wait, they say that all are sinful except God. But if my sins are wiped away and I am without sin at the moment...Oh. My. Me! I'm God! Wow. This is fracking awesome! I'm a God! Well, let me finish this segment before I go explore my new powers.
Hmm, I tried to straighten this picture out with my God powers, but I haven't figured out how they work. Yet. Okay, how to be saved? We can see that you all fall short of my glory. It's okay, don't feel too bad. I used to be like you once. Boy, those were the days!
Well, now it says that Jesus is the only true God. My name isn't Jesus, though. Hmm.
It looks like you have to pray to God and confess your sins. I'll check around and see if it is Jesus or Reggie that you need to pray to, but until I get back to you, please send your tithes to me if you want to continue to walk a righteous path. You can split prayers and flattery between Jesus and I to cover your bases. Until then, stay tuned until the next Part of my series Meet the Baptists! Part 2 will be very transcendent with my new God powers...once I figure out how they work.
Thanks, and Me Bless!
Special thanks to Forest Grove Baptist Church.
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Comment by Cara Coleen on July 23, 2009 at 4:41pm -
Wow. What a convoluted test! LOL!!! Ummm... you know, each of those questions seem to consist of several questions in one. Like the test,
Are you an animal lover:
Q1: Have you ever pet a dog? Have you ever owned a cat? Did your parents make you watch their pet? Do you like your neighbor?
A: Y or N (if ANY apply)."
Obviously, this is a poor set of questions to determine your LOVE of animals.
And, it's all very redundant, too. In one question "set" it asks if you've broken God's law; then, in another question, it asks if you've ever disobeyed you parents. If you know anything about the Bible, you know that disobeying your parents is against God's law. Why ask the same question several times?
I really love how it says, "If you've answered NO to any of these questions, you're a LIAR!!!" Why even compose a test like this if the answer is FIXED? Why not just say, "Look. You're a sinner no matter what you think."
Good find though...
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Comment by Serotonin Wraith on July 23, 2009 at 4:44pm -
The spelling mistakes shouldn't have crept into this most blessed leaflet, should they?
On the questions -
1. Have I disobeyed God or His Holy Bible? Well, there was this one time where I knew someone who was gay, and I didn't stone them to death. *sob* I'm sorry, Lord! I should have followed your absolute, unchanging morality and done that. Afterall, it's in the same section of the Bible as these top 10.
10. Have I ever coveted? Yes, all the time! *sob* The local shopping centre is a coveter's paradise. I saw so much stuff I wanted which belonged to the shops. Food, clothing, even DVDs. I wished for these things for enjoyment and to keep me alive. I should go crawl under a rock and die instead.
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Comment by Reggie on July 23, 2009 at 4:53pm -
I should go crawl under a rock and die instead.
I command you not to die. I need all the tithers I can get.
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Comment by Gaytor on July 23, 2009 at 5:12pm -
Psalm 139:16 All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
God knew what I was and since he wrote my story and placed me here, I'm serving God's will no matter what I do. Eff that test and it's implications. If this church doesn't like us, they need to go talk to the author and not us. :-)
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Comment by Neo Brave on July 24, 2009 at 3:11am -
The test seems to be designed to make you feel bad and and leave you with only one choice to feel better; that is how you brainwash (thought reform or re-education) someone - break them down and then build them up. Snakes!
Thank you for this Reggie!
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Comment by Reggie on July 24, 2009 at 8:03am
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Do you remember the name of the church? I really want to go there sometime.
You can worship me at Forest Grove Baptist Church in Pleasant Hill.
Snakes!
A Swedish curse? I kind of like it.
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Comment by Reggie on January 31, 2010 at 10:20pm
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I like to refer to them as "Revenue Generators". Bullshit goes in and money comes out. It's an alchemists dream!
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