Earlier this year I went to a wedding outside of Kansas City, Missouri. It was a Hell and Brimstone Baptist Church and their literature was nothing short of amazing! So I helped myself to everything they had to offer and now I want to share it with my fellow atheists. So join me in this series of posts as we get to know the Baptists together. I only ask that former (or current) Baptists do not post spoilers. We don't want to know how it ends. Personally, I think the devil will win and there will be peace on Earth.
Part 1: Are You a Good Person?
It is a great question. I have only spent a few hours in jail one time and I think people around me seem to find me an affable sort of fellow good for having a beer with. So I would answer that in the affirmative. I think I am a good person. How do you, dear reader, feel? Are you a good person? Well, we may all be biased by our vanity. Let's take a more objective route by taking the Baptist test! And no peeking ahead!
Here are my answers:
1) Yes 2)Yes 3)Yes 4)Yes 5) Yes 6)Yes 7) Yes! 8)Yes 9)Yes 10)Yes
Well, that was easy! All yeses. So I am not a liar or a cheat! Let's go to the next page to see how rocking awesome I am!
Oh boy. :( This is not
good. It is a foregone conclusion, it seems, that we are all wicked creatures in the Baptist religion. I wonder if all my friends know how wicked I am and only humor me with their kindness and companionship? At least I'm neither Jewish or Greek. They must have really pissed off the big guy to get mentioned specifically.
And we are guilty of all sins if we are guilty of one? I didn't lie or cheat on this test, but I have lied and cheated in my life. Does that mean even when I am honest, I am still a liar? This would certainly make one deserving of death and eternal torture in the pits of Hell, according to the Baptists.
But not to worry. We have an out. Jesus may have thrown us overboard into the roiling seas, but He will also throw us a life jacket if only we repent for our transgressions and bestow flattery upon His perfect Self. I'm sorry I lied on the test I didn't actually lie on but since I lied once I am a liar for all times, Jesus, amen!
Whew! So my sins have been wiped clean and I am no longer a sinner. But wait, they say that all are sinful except God. But if my sins are wiped away and I am without sin at the moment...Oh. My. Me! I'm God! Wow. This is fracking awesome! I'm a God! Well, let me finish this segment before I go explore my new powers.
Hmm, I tried to straighten this picture out with my God powers, but I haven't figured out how they work. Yet. Okay, how to be saved? We can see that you all fall short of my glory. It's okay, don't feel too bad. I used to be like you once. Boy, those were the days!
Well, now it says that Jesus is the only true God. My name isn't Jesus, though. Hmm.
It looks like you have to pray to God and confess your sins. I'll check around and see if it is Jesus or Reggie that you need to pray to, but until I get back to you, please send your tithes to me if you want to continue to walk a righteous path. You can split prayers and flattery between Jesus and I to cover your bases. Until then, stay tuned until the next Part of my series Meet the Baptists
! Part 2 will be very transcendent with my new God powers...once I figure out how they work.
Thanks, and Me Bless!
Special thanks to Forest Grove Baptist Church.