If you're heterosexual, you can't begin to appreciate how difficult it is being gay in a mostly straight world. You're surrounded by potential mates, and can afford to be choosy. I don't have that privilege. Even when I meet other lesbians, 99% of them are already with someone else, and if they break up with that person, they're with someone else in a few weeks' time. Meanwhile, I have been single for three years. I guess I could be more outgoing and more involved, but as an introvert, I have a limited amount of energy for socialization.

I admit I don't know how to play the game, either, but I don't really want to learn. I want to meet someone else who doesn't play. I just want a straightforward relationship, a practical one. I don't want someone else to "complete me," because I believe that is an unhealthy way to think about relationships. I really don't want monogamy, but I will agree to it if that's what someone I care about or am interested in needs. I won't cheat once I agree to monogamy, either. If nothing else, I am loyal and trustworthy.

I want a family, and I don't intend to wait for my "true love" to come along before I start one. I know it's going to be difficult taking care of children on my own, but I want to set an example for my children that being independent and whole is entirely possible. I think we are too desperate for love in our culture, everyone, including me. We buy into the idea that you should only have sex with someone you love, and this makes us want love desperately so we can fulfill our sexual needs. We are told that we are incomplete without love, that it is what is missing in our lives, that love can fill the emptiness inside of us. In reality, that longing we have never goes away, because it's not supposed to. It's part of the system. "The system wants us sick and unsatisfied so we will mindlessly consume their products and call that living." - Passing Strange

Don't get me wrong, being single isn't all bad. I have enjoyed casual sex with a friend, which I would have to turn down if I was in a relationship. Granted, she was an awful kisser and not incredibly attractive, but I certainly don't regret having the experience, and it knocks a three way off my "to-do" list (it was a tag team with me, her, and her wife). Also, she proceeded to sabotage the majority of my friendships afterwards, but hey, I don't need friends. I have been without them most of my life. I miss them, no doubt, but whatever. I have other, more attractive friends I can hang out with instead.

I just miss being able to love a woman. I feel like I was born to do it. I was a model girlfriend, making sure to say "I love you" each day, and write things for the one I loved, and make her things. I paid attention to all the things she loved and tried to love them, too. Maybe I was too intense, I admit, but that's just kind of who I am, I'm an intense and passionate woman. I can't really help that. I wouldn't say that I was imbalanced or anything. Can anyone keep up with me when my love for them is in full swing? I don't know.

The type of girl I normally go for is the type that sits in the corner alone, silently, instead of being part of the party. Those girls are more interesting to me than others. I want to make them comfortable and coax them out of their shells. That's how I met my ex. We were at a dance party for LGBT youth and she showed up with a friend and wasn't dancing. We blew bubbles and played with balloons and I got her to dance. Her friend contacted me on her behalf, and we just kind of hit it off. The pressure was off of me because I knew from the start she had a crush on me. I didn't have to worry about being rejected.

The problem with liking this kind of girl is that they're sitting quietly alone for a reason, and usually that reason is that they have problems, and these problems will almost inevitably lead to relationship failure. I should go for the well-adjusted women that are the life of the party. I should go for accomplished women who are making a difference in the world. Women who know who they are and what they want from life. But I suspect I feel like these women will think they are too good for me, and will turn me down. Plus, I don't know how to relate to well-adjusted people. I've always related to people through the common experiences of being outcasts and being hurt by others. I relate to the pain that people feel in their lives. How do you connect to someone that either has not had those experiences or does not identify with them? I just don't know.

On top of everything else, I am an atheist, and I want to be with someone with an IQ high enough to be a skeptic, too. I want to be with someone that I can be myself around, and not have to worry about offending with my (lack of) beliefs. I'm in the Bible belt, which makes finding other lesbians more difficult since most are in the closet, but it also makes finding nonbelievers more difficult. What should I do? Move? My whole family is here. I've been here all my life. I would be a totally vulnerable n00b off in the city by my lonesome. It wouldn't be a good situation to put myself in.

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Comment by angela kozma on April 27, 2013 at 7:07pm

Hug. if in missouri can get you in touch with some of the groups i know.

Comment by futilethewinds on April 27, 2013 at 7:29pm

No, I'm in Birmingham, Alabama.

Comment by Strega on April 27, 2013 at 8:11pm

It isn't easy being a lesbian, but it isn't really an option either, so you are going to have to learn to function in the lesbian environment.  On the plus side, when you do find a partner that suits you, the emotional payback is really great.

Have you tried online hook-up services?  You'd be amazed at how many lesbians are also introverts and don't feel comfortable at gay events.  I did a quick check and found this site.

It can be much easier to find potential friends and partners from this kid of set-up. You can chat on line or by email way before you decide if you want to get together in a real life environment.

Funnily enough, you might also meet someone who you don't click romantically with, but do become best friends.

Comment by futilethewinds on April 27, 2013 at 9:08pm

I'm on OKCupid. Every now and then a girl sends me a message, but stuff fizzles out pretty soon.

Comment by Simon Paynton on April 27, 2013 at 10:07pm

Maybe you need to become more well-adjusted 

Comment by Strega on April 27, 2013 at 10:26pm

Try the forums at melswebs.com  Just for contact and to find some friends

Comment by Jason Woolsey on April 27, 2013 at 11:45pm

Haha, I'm a straight guy stuck in Grand Junction Co.  I can relate with a lot of your feelings though I think you win in the difficulty department.

Sometimes it helps to just know you aren't alone in the world, you aren't.

Comment by Lance Angus Miles on April 28, 2013 at 3:54am

we may not all be gays in a primarily straight society. however, we are atheists, agnostics and anti-theists in a mostly religious, theist, creationist (delusionist) world. much like how a gay person may wonder how the majority of people around them may react if they revealed their sexual preference, i can say that i wonder how the majority of the people around me would react if they knew i was completely non-religious. so i can understand your feelings of isolation, my suggestion would be to find others in the same situation as you so you can talk to each other and share your advice on dealing with your situation.

Comment by Ron Humphrey on April 28, 2013 at 5:41am

Lance, I can empathize with you.  The few people I have "come out" to as being an atheist have reactions ranging frojm "you are going to hell" to a very few being curious enough to want to discus it.

Comment by Nina van der Roos on April 28, 2013 at 6:31am
Lance reading your post makes me realise just how easy it is to be lesbian here, I need to be a lot more grateful for that. I did not not know how to play the lesbian game either, ugghh what a minefield of often very shallow women it was. When I was twenty one I met the young woman who is now my wife. It was a year before we could date even though I was in very close contact with her every day, but in many ways it was the best thing for me. I got to know her, the real person warts and all (so not really warts but scars, wounds and traumas) long before romance could even start. Sort of moving country I really do not know what to suggest aside from moving to a countryf that lives in the 21st century. If you are planning on children and you are lesbian either on your own or in a lesbian relationship I think you should give changing location to a more accepting one serious consideration, speaking as a mother four ! Feel free to message myself or Judith if you wish.


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