1 And they came over unto the other side of the sea, into the country of the Gadarenes. And when he was come out of the ship, immediately there met him out of the tombs a man with an unclean spirit, Who had his dwelling among the tombs
2 And no man could bind him, no, not with chains: Because that he had been often bound with fetters and chains, and the chains had been plucked asunder by him, and the fetters broken in pieces: neither could any man tame him, lest they forfeit their lives unto his beardy golden rage.
3 And always, night and day, he was in the mountains, and in the tombs, crying, listening to The Cure, and cutting himself with stones. But when he saw Jesus afar off, he ran and worshipped him, And cried with a loud voice, and said, What have I to do with thee, Jesus, thou Son of the most high God?
4 I adjure thee by God, that thou torment me not. For he said unto him, Come out of the man, thou unclean spirit. And he asked him, What is thy name? And he answered, saying, My name is Legion: for we are many. And he besought him much that he would not deport them. Now there was there nigh unto the mountains a great herd of swine feeding. And all the devils besought him, saying, Send us into the swine, that we may enter into them.
5 And forthwith Jesus gave them leave. And the unclean spirits went out, and entered into the swine: and the herd ran violently down into a sleepy village, And cut down three and one-hundred woman and child and child-bearing women and geriatrics with the fiery death-tusks bestowed upon them by Jesus.
6 Now forthwith and nigh there was a great commotion and wailing into the night, And thus spoke Jesus unto the beardy forest man;
7 Behold! For I am thee and thee are me and thusly we have wrought a great good before the eyes of God. Lay with me now that I may harvest thy nectar above the burning embers of their sin.
8 And thus the savage lay with Jesus and knew Him abundantly, And offered great tidings of honey and exotic lotions upon the thighs of the Lord.
9 And he went out from thence, and came into his own country; and the cave-dweller followed him. And when the sabbath day was come, he produced a mandolin and began to kick out the mystical jams in the synagogue: and many hearing him were astonished, saying, From whence hath this man these things? and what wisdom is this which is given unto him, that even such mighty jams are wrought by his hands?
10 Is not this the carpenter, the son of Mary, the brother of James, and Joses, and of Stanley, Frehley, and Criss? and are not his sisters here with us?
11 And they were offended at him. But Jesus, said unto them, A prophet is not without the funk, but in his own country, and among his own kin, and in his own house. And he could there do no mighty work, save that he laid his hands upon a few sick folk, and massaged them. And he marvelled because of their unbelief.
12 And he went round about the villages, And spread a great and virile affliction among the virgins.
13 And he called unto him the feral beast man, and began to send him; and gave him power and wine; And commanded him that he should take nothing for his journey, save a towel only; no scrip, no bread, no money in his purse: But be shod with sandals; and put on two coats.
14 And he said unto him, In what place soever ye enter into an house, there abide till ye depart from that place. And whosoever shall not receive you, nor hear you, when ye depart thence, drag their heads in a sack behind thee, And evacuate thy bowels excessively and in stride, And I will always be with you.
15 And thusly they departed.
16 And king Herod heard of him; (for his name was spread abroad:) and he said, That John the Baptist was risen from the dead, and therefore mighty jams do shew forth themselves in him. Others said, That it is Elias. And others said, That it is a prophet, or as one of the prophets.
17 But when Herod heard thereof, he said, It is Jesus, who hath plundered many an egg and jammeth like a Viking Bear God, And I shall sup from the marrow of his bones!