How do I look? Too Jew?The Curse
Malachi 1:1 to 4:4

1:1 The burden of being the chosen ones, as articulated by a guy named Malachi.

The Lord made something very clear. He said "I have loved you Jews thoroughly, and thoroughly hated just about everyone else."

That’s all fine and good, however the Jews have polluted the food at God's table. Our sacrifices had slight blemishes. God can’t tolerate slight blemishes.
As long as you're the tallest it's still a win.
2:1 Listen guys, here is the deal for you priests. When you priests don't praise God, he puts a curse on you. Then he smears poo on your face. You have been bad little priests. Didn't the one God create all of us? It’s as if Judah has married the daughter of a strange god. God no longer accepts your blemished sacrifices. Your priestly shenanigans have made God tired, very tired. Now wipe the poo off your face.
My other hat looks like a taco.
3:1 God will be sending a messenger ahead of his arrival to try to prepare you for him. Then the Lord will suddenly come to the temple in Jerusalem one day. At that time things will return to the way they were in olden days.

I win.God says "I am the Lord and I don't ever hardly change the way I am. But you have robbed me and you are hereby cursed. On the other hand if you pay taxes to me I will also bless you which should mitigate the curse somewhat. I have written a book containing the names of those who are afraid of me. The people whose names are in The Book of The Afraid will have their lives spared. The day is coming when I will burn all the bad guys with fire. But the good guys, providing they are afraid of me and their taxes are paid up and they have no poo on their faces, will be made very powerful."





Snatch the pebble from my hand grasshopper. Hit me with this stick grasshopper. Wear this stupid carpet grasshopper.


4:4 "Remember all of those crazy rules I gave to Moses about goats and stuff? I will be sending Elijah down to talk to you more about that sort of crap shortly before the so-called Dreadful Day of The Lord. He will try one last time to get Jewish fathers and their children to get along with each other better. Hopefully he will succeed otherwise I'll strike the whole Earth with a powerful terrible awful horrible curse!"

That’s all for now.
I'm getting too old for this shit.

The Bible According to Brad

Views: 85

Tags: Malachi, bible, god, jerusalem, judaism, mythology, religion, yahweh

Comment by Brad Snowder on April 17, 2013 at 11:05am

Thnx. Here's an easy-to-navigate version: http://www.snowder.com/bible/

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