..i'll refine.. this is just a stream of thought that i don't wish to lose.
I have never believed in "God". Even as a child, I had questions that no one could answer.. and I took fierce offense to things witnessed in small town, bible thumping, holy rolling USA that my young mind couldn't justify and that my heart just couldn't bear..all in the name of the lord or within the unnerving walls of 'his' house.. (this terminology always crept me out too). Still, the odious chore was inevitable. I was told to 'grin and bear it', on Sunday mornings, any time my paternal grandparents insisted on taking me to church.. My father's reasoning was air-tight. He explained, with the perfect balance of authority over us and disdain for the situation.. that he 'didn't want to listen to his mother's shit.. that he had to go when he was a kid.. so, too, would my sister and i"... BLAH. I loathed it. I didn't 'get it'. It didn't feeeeeeeeeel like it LOOKED like it should feel..I'd try SO hard to 'be touched' as i watched all the other sheep in the congregation raise their hands at an electric-organ fueled crescendo.. but it was shitty music.. and shitty white people singing in their shitty uncomfortable clothes.. and smelling like shitty velamints.
in retrospect, I DO KNOW that feeling.. being so damn high on the feeling of comfort and encouragement and moved by a power greater than your own.. on some heady sense of well-being.. willngly and happily consumed by it... Buuuut.. "God" never gave me that feeling.. In truth, it was Duane Allman's guitar solo towards the end of WIlson Pickett's "hey, jude" that first touched me with that sort of governing force.. I remember it so vividly.. i was maybe 7 or 8.. i realized, after some thought on the matter, that the problem wasn't within ME.. The only 'pull' God ever had on my impressionable young mind was now null and void.. The sheer morbid curiosity was no longer present.. I moved on.. went thru the motions because I cared more about my grandmother's lack of peace of mind than I did about my lack of faith..
..to be cont..