His parents hoped his name would predestine him for a successful life of consistent but hard work. Job didn’t disappoint. Job worked hard his entire life and developed a thriving mega farm, situated on roughly 150 acres of very fertile land. Over 700 donkeys (mainly for export to Grand Canyon Tours Limited and Mexican Farmer Exchange Services), 535 yoke of oxen, and around 7121 sheep occupied his expansive stables. The sheep were mainly used for wool, French restaurants, and lonely Montana farmers. He also had a loving wife and three beautiful daughters; Six year old Mira, thirteen year old Sara, and twenty one year old Marylyn. Marylyn was his favorite by far. She excelled at her studies, listened to what he said and never disobeyed. She was the model daughter; the model of virtue.
Late one night Job began feeling uneasy about something. “Why aren’t my younger daughters as perfect as my oldest?” he thought to himself. “Are they sinning? Are they plotting to take my farm?” Job decided to do something about it. The very next day he grabbed a chicken that strayed onto his property and burnt it alive. After it perished he ate it, hoping that his self-offering would stave off the sin of hostile takeover by his children. The next day he called his daughters into his study and asked them whether they planned on taking his farm over when they get older. They sincerely replied no. Job was satisfied.
Job began thinking about his perfect daughter. He called his wife into his study and asked her, “What do you think of Marylyn?” His wife replied,” She is only so perfect because you have put a wall around her and blessed her with the best education and clothing, but if you were to take all that away she would surely turn into a bratty and disrespectful child.” “Well that settles it said Job, You can try turning her into a bratty and disrespectful child. You have my permission to do whatever you wish.”
His wife happily agreed…..
The next morning Job’s wife, Sally, dragged his daughter out of bed and made her watch as she put all of her clothes into a bag and light them on fire in the back yard. Marylyn mercilessly cried for her mother to stop but her mother only slapped her in the face and said shaddup. The rest of Marylyn’s belongings were put in the front yard, after which the neighbor’s all came at night and stole everything, even her pet cat, Truffles!
Job spoke to his daughter the next day, and asked her how she was. Marylyn replied, “I’m sad and hurt father but I know you mean well.” Her father reassured her and sent her to bed.
Marylyn awoke that next morning in utter agony. Her mother had cut her clothes off of her, tied her to the bed and was burning her skin with little branding irons. She had little burned circles all over her body. Her mother untied her to see what she would do. Marylyn only let out a blood curdling scream and yelled, “Naked I came out of my mother’s womb and Naked I shall return. My dad gave me stuff and he took it away, but I know my dad is pretty smart and wouldn’t do this to me unless he really, really loved me a whole lot.” Her sisters sat on the floor opposite and stared blankly at the apparition of pain in front of them. “
Out into the yard Marylyn ran screaming. Her mother then asked her father, “May I afflict her more?” Job said patiently, “She is in your hands, but just try not to kill her.”
Her mother ran into the side yard shed to grab as many fireworks as she could. With her arms full of M-80’s, and other such tools of raining fire, she made her way to the back porch. “MARYLYNNNN,” she called and her daughter came running. In fact she came running into an onslaught of M-80’s flying through the air only to explode on her chest and seriously burn her naked skin and breasts even more. Fiery ordinance from Roman Candles began raining down on her back and legs as she ran towards the barn for cover. Gasoline had been spread over the barn earlier in preparation, and as she ran inside a well-aimed bottle rocket set the entire place ablaze. Marylyn knew the entire barn like the back of her hand and managed to escape through a side door the dog usually uses. She stood up once outside. With her hair and left leg on fire, she screamed, “Curse the day I was born!”
Her father then walked out to her side and lovingly sprayed her with the fire extinguisher he grabbed from under the kitchen sink. “I love you Marylyn”, he said, “ but there are things in this world you don’t understand, like how ears of corn are transformed into cornflakes cereal, or how John Wayne survived with 50 pounds of undigested beef in his belly.” “You have shown me why I love you so much, and why I trust you and care for you more than my other daughters.”
Through the pain of moving her burnt and cracked lips, Marylyn whispered, “I love you father and I shall never speak ill of you in all my days. I’ll always be your awesome little girl.”
Job took his daughter to the nearest emergency room and she underwent 27 surgeries and all her injuries were healed. She underwent necessary plastic surgery and ended up even more beautiful than before her ordeal. After nine months of extensive physical therapy, Job arrived to take his daughter home. When she walked into her room she noticed she had two kitty cats waiting for her and a wardrobe full of designer clothing. She had never worn Versace or Armani, but now had more than she could ever need.
She looked up and noticed her father leaning against the door frame, smiling the most loving smile a father could smile. She ran over and jumped into his arms, “I love you father, always. Thank you so much for being good to me!”
If only people acted as God acts……