Jacob and the Angel
Genesis 32, Hosea 12
(As listed in the Bible, Jacob wrestled an angel into submission with the classic ‘What’s my name, bitch?!’ until the angel relented and promised Jacob a blessing if he would release him.)
St. Peter: *sitting at his desk and pouring over paperwork.* Hi, Bob. Come on in and have a seat. I was just looking over your blessing audits and had a few questions. It seems like you’ve given a blessing we can’t account for.
Bob The Angel: *Staring at his feet and fidgeting slightly.* I-yeah..well, see the thing is, I lost one.
St. Peter: You lost a blessing?
Bob: Yeah, I mean if it’s a big deal, I can pay for it out of pocket.
Peter: That’s not really the issue, Bob. I think you are missing the big picture here. We’ve got a blessing on the loose that anyone can call in at any time. Some sociopath-
Bob: C’mon Peter, let’s not make a big deal out of this. I’m sure it will be fine.
Peter: That’s a Godly Blessing out and unaccounted for! Anyone could cash it at anytime and we’d be-
Bob: I’ll go have a look for it, ok?
Peter: Please do. And let me know right away when you find it so I can start the cancelation paperwork.
Bob: *looking a little nervous now.* Uh. Right.
*Hours pass, and we find Bob drifting through the celestial recreation room. Michael, two cherubim and various saints are relaxing, playing pool and watching television.*
Michael: Hey Bob, wait up!
Bob: *Looking a little hesitant.* Hi..uh.. hey Mike. What’s up?
Michael: Hey man, I’ve been looking all over for you. Some of the guys, we- woah! What happened, Bob? Where did you get those bruises? Are those bite marks on your CHEEK?!
Bob: I..It’s nothing! I ran into a door! I’m fine.
Bob: I’M FINE!
Michael: If you ever want to talk about it..I’m here.
Bob: *To Cherubim.* What are you looking at?
Cherubim 1: Nothing, man. We’re cool.
Bob: Aren’t you supposed to be in Eden, guarding the Tree or something?
Cherubim 2: No. God cancelled our post. We were pulled off the grounds.
Bob: *Rubbing achingly at his bite marked cheek.* Well who’s on guard. We can’t just leave the Tree of life unattended. Any idiot could walk up and-
Cherubim 2: It’s all good. We just used our fiery swords to burn out the garden. You know, destroy the ecosystem; turn it into a desert. Now there’s nothing there. No reason for people to go..nothing to fight over. It’s going to be the quietest place on Earth.
*Once again, back in St. Peter’s Office. He and Michael sit in front of an Earthy surveillance monitor watching the same scene over and over and over again.*
Michael: Oh pause it. No NOW. Wait. Rewind it a little. THERE. Flaming fuck, that’s hilarious. Look at his face.
*Michael and St. Peter burst out laughing. After a moment comes a quiet knock. The archangel and saint try desperately to school their features into something a little more professional.*
Bob *enters; still battered and looking very nervous.*
Bob: You wanted to see me, sir?
Peter: Yes. How is the search for the lost blessing? Any luck?
Bob: wringing his hands. As a matter of fact sir, there is something I need to tell you….
Peter: *motions for him to continue.*
Bob: I wasn’t exactly honest about it being lost.
Peter: Go on. Confession is good for the-
Bob: I was mugged!
*Both Peter and Michael burst out laughing.*
Michael: You were mugged? On earth? You are an angel sent by GOD. How could you be-
Bob: There were ten of them! They were waiting for me. All heavily armed and highly skilled-
Bob: Seriously. There was nothing I could do. I barely escaped with-
Michael: Dude. We saw the video. It was one guy. And he is ancient. Like, straggly-beard-old.
Bob:….he was wirey.
Bob: He was a grizzled old bastard and nearly broke my-
Michael: You got your ass kicked by an old man?! He blessing-raped you?
Bob: *turning to Peter* Does he have to be here? How is this helping?
Peter: *Holding up his hands.* Look, the important thing is that we resolve this situation. Can anyone vouch for this Jacob character?
Michael: I can vouch for his ‘wirey arms’ and ‘grizzled demeanor’ I bet Bob can-
Bob: SERIOUSLY? DOES HE HAVE TO BE HERE?!
Peter: Michael, maybe it would be best if you go.
Michael: Yeah. Sure.
Peter: And Michael. Let’s keep this between us, alright?
*Michael only laughs slides through the door.*
Bob: My career is over.
Peter: Look, it isn’t that big of a deal. God will forgive one….*thinks for a moment, trying to be delicate*… MISPLACED blessing.
Bob: Yeah, that’s great. Divine forgiveness is nice, but how am I supposed to work in these conditions? That ass wipe is going to tell everyone. I’m destined to an eternity of celestial wedgies and total humiliation.
Peter: This too shall pass.
Bob: Oh, DO NOT try that shit with me!
Peter: *sighs.* I can see about having you transferred.
Bob: seeming to brighten. Really? Any places opening up?
Peter: Heavenly Host?
Bob: With those voyeurs and perverts?
Peter: Throne Room?
Bob: Have you ever actually been in the Throne Room? Some of those guys have way too many eyes and limbs. That place does something to you. I mean seriously. A pair of wings to cover yourself, a pair to fly about and disembodied lips to eternally sing praises? What about the animalistic heads that just sprout out of some of the senior staff?
Peter: Under the current circumstances, I don’t think it would be a good idea to assign you a soul to guard.
*Michael heard through the partially opened door amidst snickering.*
Michael:Cus he’d probably get his ass kicked again!
Peter: Bob…why don’t you take a few weeks off?
Bob: *hangs head*.