In my last post I mentioned the official first step towards atheism.
I have had difficulties with faith for as long as I can remember. My first crush was a woman (I was 5 and I thought her red hair was so beautiful I wanted to marry her.)
At 7 I asked if different languages can use different words for apples and oranges and not be wrong, couldn't the same go for God? (In case you don't know, the answer is usually "NO!")
At age 16 I had my first existential crisis, I gave my virginity to an emotionally abusive young man, and felt I had to marry him because of my faith. I eventually broke down into tears and screaming on a dirt road while telling my best friend (a different one than the one in my other posts, this one is brilliant) that God was a deadbeat father and I hated him.
At age 17 I attempted suicide because...well God wasn't helping me keep my urges in check and I was just becoming unraveled.
I'm 28 now.
I lost my faith about 5 years ago.
See, I had just lost my way enough to stop going to church, and had been speaking with my dad about how I was having a hard time with my faith because no matter how hard I prayed I just didn't feel God listening any more. He told my my younger brother, and the one I am closest to, was struggling with his faith as well. He told me that we should talk, and maybe I could help him understand what was bothering him. (Oh! Fun fact: I was a hardcore Catholic Apologist for 10 years at this point!)
Long story short, brother was an atheist and by the end of the night so was I. (More details on that particular night in my last post.
As any ex-religious nut can tell you, becoming an atheist isn't that fucking simple. (I cuss, because it needs cussing to express properly)
There are so many things in life that suddenly need reexamining as you ask yourself, "Is this really wrong or did I just think it was because of my religion?" I went through that entire process while on a deployment to Kyrgystan.
I made the mistake of telling my mother before I deployed, and she refused to talk to me the entire time I was overseas. Imagine each morale call to my father, I ask to talk to my mother and he, embarrassed, would tell me that she didn't feel like talking to me.
This tension went on for about 2 years until my mom came to Las Vegas (I had left the military and had a kid and gotten married at this point) to help me watch my then infant son. She wanted to go to mass and I attended with her, mostly out of respect for her, because in spite of everything, she is still my mother and I love her.
It was a very emotionally stressful environment. Extreme Stress + Religious Pressure + Postpartum= REVIVAL OF "FAITH"
So for a year I went back to church. Forced my husband to have our marriage blessed and taught Sunday School because I knew that the only way I could be Christian would be to completely and utterly immerse myself in it entirely. I even convinced one young man to become a priest (I lose sleep over this.)
But I still didn't believe any of the garbage I was selling.
Finally I stopped pretending. I stopped making excuses for religion, and stopped hoping for some sort of magic sky justice to give me peace.
I was quiet at first, but as time has gone on I've become a little more outspoken, especially against the RCC.
I am an anti-religion atheist.
I am a pro-mercy atheist.
I deny and reject the "Holy Spirit."
God is not good, he is not merciful and he is not real.