In Which We Up The Ante (Sign up for your Smiting!)

All right.  As you can see, I still have not been at the business end of a smiting.

 

I've discussed with some fellow non-believers about the possibility that there's a bit of a game of prayer-hockey going on, between people who are praying for me to be smote (smited?) and people who are praying for God to deliver me from certain smitage.  It's now going on four and a half days since I first called out God in a local newspaper forum, in defiant response to some looney suggestion that atheists are afraid of God:

In fact I'm so unafraid of God that I'll call the sadistic SOB out right here and right now. Come and get me. Hit me with that lightning bolt. Or that heart attack. It's not like you don't know where I am.

So now that you're pretty well up to date, there's still some business to which I want to attend.

 

A fellow member here at Think Atheist suggests that in order to increase the likelihood of a proper smiting--one which many will likely agree that I have coming--that more people should have the opportunity to sign up for the smiting.  That way, if the people praying for me to be delivered from smiting are successful, but someone else gets a smiting, it's still sufficient evidence of someone there to smite us.

 

Now before you jump on board, I want to share some guidelines that my fellow blasphemers and I agreed to ahead of time.  We don't want to be accused of moving the goal posts after the fact, after all; we want to play fair.

 

  • Smiting must be committed BY GOD.  It can't be done by a person claiming to do God's work.  We don't want any ambiguity here, or anything that could be misinterpreted by either side.
  • Smiting must be an honest-to-goodness SMITING.  Acceptable forms of smiting include (but are not limited to) lightning strikes, spontaneous combustion, turning into a pillar of salt, being swallowed by a whale (especially while on land), or Indiana Jones-style instant face-melting death scenes.  Hang nails, calls from bill collectors, and fender-benders can not be considered smiting, nor can illness that leads to eventual death (though leprosy may be open for debate).
  • We ask, though we recognize we can't be the ones to decide this, that the smiting affect ONLY those who are undersigned in this comment thread.  We feel it is unethical as well as unnecessary for friends, loved ones, or innocent bystanders to be taken out as collateral damage in our own smiting.  We feel that an omniscient, omnipotent being should have no problem with carrying out a "SMART" smiting.  This in mind, if any friends, loved ones, or innocent bystanders are taken out as collateral damage, that the decision was God's and not ours; please don't blame the terrible atheists for what might occur.
  • No "Smite-baiting".  We can't go and do things we normally wouldn't do in an attempt to create a situation which might be construed as smiting.  For example, no going out in open fields during a thunderstorm, street-racing on glare ice roads, taking up a sudden interest in cocaine, or actively searching for the Ark of the Covenant (unless of course any of these things relate to what you do for a living).
  • No "Smite-dodging" either.  We can't stop doing things we normally would do in an attempt to avoid a situation which might be construed as smiting.  So if you normally commute to work, you can't just call out sick every day.
  • Anything that has occurred prior to date of signing (in your case) or prior to January 1, 2011 (in my case) can not be construed as a smiting.
  • Now, we understand that according to scripture, God was able to create the entire universe in just under one week.  Therefore we think it not unreasonable to expect a smiting to come within one week of asking for it.  But since linear time is a bit dodgy in dealing with the Man Upstairs (except of course in the instance of the birth and death of his only kid...) we feel it reasonable to suggest a set week in which the window of opportunity for a smiting is open.  Mind, we realize we don't get to choose when we get smoten; but again, a period of a week seems perfectly reasonable in our minds. 
  • Now, I've asked for this smiting just around four days before the time of writing this; however others here are later in joining in.  In order for everyone who wants a smiting to get a chance to sign up, therefore, it is suggested that you sign up before May 22, 2011 (at which time it is said the world will begin to end, and that will make it much more difficult for us to objectively observe smitage).

And so, be it known, that we, the Undersigned, are not afraid of God in the slightest (as we find it impossible to fear that which doesn't exist), and are willing to prove our lack of fear by setting our hand blah blah blah forasmuch legalspeak goes here... SMITE US.

 

So let it be posted, so let it be done.

 

Think you're the only atheist in Maine?  Think again! http://centralmaineatheists.blogspot.com or follow @CMEAA on Twitter.  Central Maine Atheist Alliance: Wicked good without god since 2010. 

 

Views: 712

Tags: atheism, blasphemy, god-fearing, humor, signup, smite&malice, smitewatch2011

Comment by Jon Heim on January 6, 2011 at 11:19am
lol that would be pretty brutal even by my standards.
Comment by Jon Heim on January 6, 2011 at 11:21am
oh! what if i get struck by lightning..which is rare, but does happen...and my face melts? is that proof? haha
Comment by Michael Sizer-Watt on January 6, 2011 at 11:34am
oooh oooh, me too me too!
Comment by Michael Sizer-Watt on January 6, 2011 at 11:34am

Oh, and I deny the holy spirit!

 

8^)

Comment by Scott A. Hunt on January 6, 2011 at 12:48pm
Smite me oh smiter of smitednessness.  Let me be smote,  smote into tiny little pieces that are smote into tinier pieces and then smote again!
Comment by Jennifer Ulean Breedlove on January 6, 2011 at 3:22pm
Well I have been begging for this god character to take me down for some time now.. I am in.. :)
Comment by Jonel Burge on January 6, 2011 at 10:56pm

How will you know?

My twitter, if it doesn't get updated for several days--then you know. Either I was killed by a meteorite or Alabama was wiped off the face of the planet and no one survived.

Either way, my twitter is an easy litmus test of whether I'm alive or not.

 

I showed this to a friend who replied "you always gotta start shit, don't you?"

Me: "Oh, I didn't start the smiting thing. Credit goes to god for that."

Comment by James on January 6, 2011 at 11:14pm
I'm not smitten with the smiter so I may be smote. What if I offer a goat?
Comment by Laura Foster on January 6, 2011 at 11:47pm

Stop that rhyming, James, I mean it!

 

(Anybody wanna peanut?)

Comment by Nicole on January 7, 2011 at 3:44pm

Yah.. really. Let's see some 'face melt smiting' by the almighty!!

I'm ready to catch this on the next episode of 1000 ways to die.

"A group of atheists were recently all smitted by God in some sort of strange face melting event."

Right, atheists don't have faith that God will hear us, nor do we even believe that HE exists at all, so no harm by calling out God for a grand smiting, no? It's kind of like me writing Santa a letter. No harm in that. 

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