The Bible According to Blog
GENESIS 1:1 to 3:7
1:1 In the beginning the Gods created the Universe.
The first thing you have to get over is that Hebrew plural “Gods” in the first sentence. The Romans got over it with a little constructive editing. To get beyond this issue and on with the story, I’ll just summarize what the experts are saying. The first six books of the bible are all written in a common style, and were assembled around the time when bronze clubs were still considered high tech weapons. Linguistically the language of these six works can be broken into several parts. There are the parts that talk about "The Gods" in the plural (the E docs), the parts that talk about "Yahveh" in the singular (the J docs), some boring notes the original editors had laying around (the P docs) and a few piles of stuff that smelled like the south end of a northbound mule. That last part is a debatable point based on a 2600 year post mortem diagnosis of Ezekiel. Back to the story.
The Gods created the planet Earth also but it was kind of weird at first and not quite finished. They made electromagnetic photon energy, and the lack thereof, and called them the first day and first night. Then they separated the watery planet from the “everything else,” which they called heaven. Thus ended day number two. The next day they created some dry land and started calling the water the sea. The Gods looked over the things they had made so far and it all looked pretty good to them. They told the new planet to grow some plants, like grass and trees and stuff, and sure enough the Earth obeyed. Thus ended day three and things were still looking good. On day four they made all the trillions of stars in order to define things like solar days, tropical seasons, and the sidereal year and such. The Gods also made one big bright ball of thermonuclear fusion to light the day and a lesser dimmer reflecting orb of rock for nighttime. On day five the Gods told the water to produce fishes and other sea-life and they also ordered birds to fly around. They ordered all of these life-forms to reproduce. On day six the Gods made cows and other animals similar to cows, and all the other creeping things. So far so good. Then the Gods said to themselves "Let us make a man. Like us he will totally boss around the fish and birds and cows and creepy things." And so they made man, male and female, and told them to have children and to dominate the other life-forms. On day seven the Gods took a little break from all this creating business and declared Saturday to be a special day of rest. The intention to interfere with the point spread of college football games is not mentioned.
Day 1: Watery Earth.
2:7 To more precisely recount that sixth day, Yahveh fabricated from dirt, a man whom he called Adam and put him in a large garden somewhere on Earth called Eden and told him to take care of it. Yahveh told Adam he could do anything he wanted in the garden, and have anything he wanted at all, except for one type of fruit called The Fruit of Knowledge of Good and Evil. "If you even touch that fruit I WILL KILL YOU!" Yahveh bellowed. Adam obviously needed some help taking care of the garden and besides Yahveh knew Adam was lonely. Yahveh brought animals to Adam so he could give them names, which is handy, but none of the animals were of very much help with the gardening. So Yahveh rendered Adam unconscious and hesurgically removed one of his ribs. With this piece of bone he fabricated a woman and named her Eve. Adam and Eve ran buck naked through the garden and were completely unashamed of their genitals.
3:1 Now snakes are rather clever, for an animal anyway, and one day a snake said to Eve, "What about this special fruit tree?" Eve replied, "Oh the one Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil is SO off limits. If I even touch that one God will kill me." "No no no," said the snake, "that’s just a figure of speech, he won't really kill you. If you eat that fruit itwill make you smart, as smart as God, and he knows it." Eve looked again at the forbidden fruit. This was not a nasty smelling gross looking fruit or anything like that. In fact itwas very beautiful. It was almost begging to be eaten. So she ate it. She gave some to her husband and he ate without questioning her decision whatsoever.
Blogger’s digression; I would love to be able to discuss this one with Socrates. Eve has an interesting intellectual breakdown. As her hand is physically reaching for that fruit, she can’t be having a moral breakdown because she hasn’t been given the ability to know moral distinctions. The fruit itself represents her potential moral compass. She obviously has some level of intellect, because she briefly debates with the snake, which by the way is never, and in no way, associated with Satan. At the time of this writing of what is clearly a judah-fication of a Babylonian creation myth, we are long before Persian dualism gives rise to the concept of hell’s demons. But now back to the point about Eve. She, and by extension all of her offspring, have been given by Yaveh a very limited intellect. Yaveh knows her brain power is insufficient to prevent her from eating the fruit. IT’S A SET UP! She is not smart enough to resist and meanwhile, the morality needed to obey God can’t come to her until AFTER she’s eaten the damned fruit. Yaveh is a Shmendrik.
3:7 Suddenly Adam and Eve became extremely ashamed of their genitals. The humans feverishly tried to hide the nasty bits with leaves, but Yahveh had been spying on them and now he sprung from hiding, "AHA! Who's been eating this fruit?" The couple, NOW recognizing good from evil, confessed to the horrible crime. But then they tried to pass the blame to the snake. "For this," declared Yahveh, "the snake must henceforth crawl on his belly, like a snake." Next Yahveh turned his monstrous anger towards Eve. "I will turn your life into a miserable bummer!" he raved. "As punishment, from now on, husbands get to totally boss their wives around. Also, childbirth will be excruciatingly painful." As Eve cowered in fear, it was Adam’s turn. "Now men must farm to survive. You must work on the farm and sweat day in and day out until you're so sick and tired of the whole stinking agricultural program that you just die and decay away into dust!"
Yahveh was so disappointed with the humans that he killed some animals, which were the first deaths ever recorded in the whole history of the Universe. He fashioned clothing out of the skins of the dead animals and gave them to the humans saying "Here, cover up your damned genitals!" Then God said to himself "Look at this man creature. He is just like us now,knowing right from wrong and all. Who knows, he might even eat from the Tree of Life that we failed to mention. Then he would live forever." So Yaveh kicked them out of the beautiful garden for fear that they might eat from the Tree of Life and live forever. He stationed horrible monsters by the garden to keep them from trying to sneak back in.
Next: Adam and Eve “do it.”