Laying in bed staring into a black abyss of darkness. I think to myself what's the point? We're born, we live, we die. Why? What's the point? Is there a god? If there was why would he do this and why would god be male if gender supposedly doesn't matter?
What's the point? We laugh, we smile, we do things we love.. but everything ends. Nothing lasts forever. Once everything is said and done it doesn't really change anything. We're born alone, we die alone, the in between I wish I could say is a choice whether to be happy or sad.. but some people don't have a choice. Depression grips their heart in its black icy claws. Anxiety traps their minds in a cage of fear.
I laugh, I love, and I live to the fullest but at the end of the day I'm alone. We all are. People once they hear you are depressed jump at the chance to help. It doesn't work that way. You can't say you care but as soon as it gets hard, leave. That's not how its supposed to be.. but it is. This is life now. People claim to help and sometimes they do but truly depression and anxiety can only be overcome by the one suffering.
"Happiness can be found in the darkest of times, if one remembers to turn on the light." I love so many people and there is where anxiety and depression slap me. I love them so much and don't want to burden them with my feelings because they don't deserve to suffer because of me. Anxiety stops me reaching out to my family. My mother has no idea. I've only cut once but will never do it again. I know I'm not vain so it's okay for me to say I am strong in a way. I am strong enough to write this. I'm strong enough to reach out to others suffering and help them because I fucking know how it feels.
I feel like if we had messages in our souls mine would be what's the point? What's the fucking point? Why are we living. We destroy the planet, force innocent animals into extinction that were here first and for what? This gives me fear of ever having children, I never want them to go through this. I also feel selfish in wanting them purely because I want someone to own. I want someone that won't leave, not for a while anyway. I don't know.. maybe I'm just an over dramatic teenage girl on her period. But fucking hell I didn't know.
Anxiety, depression, and insomnia had me until recently. I love everyone and hate everyone. People who don't care and destroy everything deserve to die and people who care and love and cherish and help want to die so why not just kill the human race? Ugh sorry too far? I'm sorry, Its just how I feel.
I hope this helps anyone and I hope nobody reads this and cries. I never meant to hurt anyone. I just want world peace, is that too much to ask for? But then again.. what's the point?