Last night whilst soaking in a hot bath I was contemplating the journey so far from spiritualist to atheist and I had this gnawing feeling in my stomach which I realised was guilt.

So why the guilt?

I suppose what I am annoyed at is how gullible I have been, instead of researching possible causes for the experiences I had, instead I was lazy and just accepted them at face value.  From the age of 20 I might as well had been in a cult as the group I was in were very influential, add to that my need to believe and you had a winning combination which programmed me quite nicely in the spiritualist way.  What I am grateful for is my rebellious nature which made me question a lot,  what worked against me was my insecurity back then which influenced me to want to belong.  I think the years of being bullied and finally being accepted had a deep affect on my feelings and it was good to be part of something, so I made sure I didn't rock the boat.

So whilst I was soaking away last night I realised it was time to let go of the guilt I felt and the regret at being so gullible.  I am also hugely grateful for not writing that spiritual book and doing spiritual talks around the country and world, I feel embarrassed enough as it is,  I can't imagine what it would have been like to  have the realisation that spirituality is all made up whilst in the throes of really promoting it!

So I forgave myself last night,  I felt good and felt lighter for it.  The regrets are dying out and by focusing on where I am right now releases any past or future feelings and sets me free to be me now.  I have had some very angry emails from people I know who want to challenge me and that is fair enough, nothing they can say will change my mind though as this is where I am right now.  To everyone I promoted spirituality to, oopps and sorry, it was all I knew at the time and my intentions like most spiritualists were to help at the time. I hope you can forgive me too?

I am human and due to lack of knowledge and other social conditioning factors I was naive and gullible.  This journey has made me who I am now so there is that to factor in when it comes to regrets and I am really enjoying irrational spiritual beliefs and work towards freeing people from that too.

I said 2011 would be a huge year of change.

I never would have been able to predict, just how much change.

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Comment by Irina Uriupina on February 25, 2011 at 10:57am

I had a very similar experience

Being a christian, trying to save people from hell, then being a karma adept, and trying to persuade folks around everything had a good reason for happening... today I look back on those times as part of my experience, what had made me - me, the way I am today

And quite possibly, some years from now I'll re-examine my views again. That's just the process of growth (hopefully ;)))

I did not have what I would call a 'guilt', but rather embarrassment. There are still articles written by me a few years ago that no longer fully reflect my position. And in some parts, my views have changes drastically since then.

But I dealt with that embarrassment feeling quite effectively, I suppose. Being a psychologist sometimes helps.))

The feeling of guilt (in cases like this one) originates from the belief that you HAVE TO be this or that: that smart, that educated, that skeptical, wise or cunning or lucky etc to be worthy. But noone comes into this world a Buddha (um...except Buddhas? hehe).

Guilt is also deeply rooted in the conditional approval that we were getting from parents and teachers. When we think we don't meet the 'legitimate' requirements of our 'inner parents' (authorities), the guilt appears.

But who is there to judge? We're really doing the best we can to fit in this reality.

If we don't allow ourselves to make mistakes, we become too demanding and unable to forgive others for their faults.

...and then we join the Republican party and claim we're always right!)))


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