What no one told me about growing old

They say it beats the alternative, but sometimes I wonder.

Your eyes, around 40 they just quit working like they did, usually the first in a long list of body part failures. Then, in no particular order (and if it hasn’t happened yet you haven't lived long enough): You can no longer write your name in the snow when you pee (doesn't apply to women). Your penis starts a retreat into you body (in Japan some men become obsessed with the idea that it will invert and an erection will kill them). And speaking of erections, they become rarer, no longer do you have to fear the embarrassment of that unruly erection at an inopportune time. Which may be a blessing in that most ladies loose any interest in them at all.

Joints; those body hinges that worked so fluidly, suddenly start to hurt and stiffen. Memory; there's a reason you don't see old people on Jeopardy. Your heart; palpitations and arrhythmia (if you're lucky, blockages,and worse if you're not.) Never been in a hospital or had surgery? You will!  Ears; why does everyone keep mumbling? Body parts that you were barely aware of become significant concerns. Most of the discussions you have with your friends are about maladies, disease, medications and treatments.

There's an old joke about the four rules of getting older:

  1. never pass up a bathroom.

  2. Never waste an erection.

  3. Never trust a fart.

  4. And never forget to … never forget to .. ah, shit!

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